The seat of government, Westminster, where advisers for the ruling Labour party are baffled by recent indicators
which show that, were a snap election to be called immediately, less than none of the British population would
choose to vote for Gordon Brown. In fact, throughout 2009 so far, this tendency has arisen every time pollsters
have attempted to canvas the electorate. Following rigorous analysis there are still no answers to the conundrum
of the British people who are willing to back Labour coming out at less than nothing.
“At first we thought this was a one-off anomaly.” Psephologist Ludovic Spork told Home Defence. “Possibly
one of our junior researchers assembled the numbers incorrectly, or accidentally sent one of his bar charts
to us upside-down. But no. Each time we’ve surveyed the public since February these figures have come
“This ought to be a numerical impossibility, to achieve less than 0% of the vote.” Spork continued. “But I
see it as another unprecedented achievement for Gordon Brown’s leadership. In many ways this Labour
party has been challenging our notion of reality for a long time.”
Indeed, the current Prime Minister has been hard at work over the last six months of his unelected term, taking
steps to try and repair ‘broken Britain’ by implementing a host of measures aimed at stimulating the economy
and fending off a global economic meltdown. These include chancellor Alistair Darling’s bold attempts to tax
Britain’s wealthy minority and the reduction of VAT, even as Gordon Brown’s chairmanship of the G20 summit
proves he can stimulate growth and lift developed countries out of recession.
Unfortunately none of these measures have succeeded in raising party support across this isle to
more than 0.1% of eligible voters, while most members of the public who were cold-called by Mori claimed
to be unaware of anything positive being attempted by our man in charge. Instead people declared that
whenever the dour Scotch fellow came on their TV screens with his stilted delivery and strange facial
expressions, they were unnerved to such an extent that it was impossible to concentrate on whatever he
Recent examples from YouGov of responses to the question of why citizens and their as-yet-unborn children would never vote for Labour again make enlightening reading. Specific reasons include: “I’ve got no job, money or skills and I blame the government”; “I’m very much against the Olympics”; “my feet hurt” and, most popularly; “it’s time for a change.”
Indeed, ‘change for change’s sake’ was a factor in 98% of responses, even though most of the respondents were unaware of the ethos of any other political party they might vote for instead. Everyone had simply decided the current lot weren’t working and it was “as good a time as any to give the other bunch a crack.”
“We could be Nazis or Buddhists for all the unwashed masses care.” Conservative Deputy Chairman Marcus
Bojangles advised party leader ‘Diddy’ David Cameron in a recent email, leaked after Bojangles accidentally
hit ‘reply to all’. “It doesn’t matter no one knows what the Tory policies are, if indeed we have any.”
Bojangles continues in this over-familiar vein: “I reckon this is where those extra per cent they're always
talking about on The Apprentice come from Dave. We’ve got you and the rest of the Diddymen
[Conservative party] giving it 101%, with the Lib Dems solid on 25% and the nutters [BNP, UKIP,
Greens] commanding 17% overall. That leaves Gordon on approximately –37%, which is even better
than we could have hoped for. Hugs, Marcus.”
To many this seems another symptom of our strange times in which, some numerologists predict, we
could find ourselves having to adopt new ways of thinking about statistics as we approach the end of days.
As Ludovic Spork puts it: “This year has been a bit odd to say the least. We’ve lived through an era
when football clubs can spend the better part of a season with a negative amount of points, the rich have
millions wiped off their fortunes every day and your house is worth significantly less than what you paid
for it five years ago. Set against this illogical backdrop, is it any wonder that a major political party can find
their support dropping into the minus figures, even while they’re still in power? Put in its proper context this
isn’t so incomprehensible, particularly when you realise they have absolutely no idea what they’re doing. I
mean, putting porn on expenses? Come on!”
Some scientists believe that, should this trend continue, by the end of this year the Labour party will
implode completely and become what is known as ‘anti-matter’. This disturbing phenomenon could have
the knock-on effect of their headquarters collapsing, supporters around the country spontaneously
combusting, local offices turned into sucking black holes of negative energy and the Prime Minister’s
head exploding during a particularly vigorous parliamentary briefing.
