The United Kingdom, where recent developments have cast a more shaming light on the country’s police force than
anyone could have imagined, even in their rudest fantasies. Following much outrageous behaviour and scandalous stories
on the part of the boys in blue, promoting exploitation and promiscuity in all areas, a public outcry has arisen at their
behaviour. This comes in response to salacious newspaper headlines, aghast at all sorts of ooh-err goings on, with the most shocked
witnesses those men whose wives and girlfriends have been subjected to the police’s special brand of ‘naked justice’.
Indeed, figures released this week from forces across the counties report thousands of examples of priapic men in uniform called to investigate
daytime break-ins or reports of teenagers “hanging about”, only to be confronted by nothing but a highly-sexed home-alone housewife in a
As one victim of these lust-crazed enforcers, Miss Pony Ahbless (left), told Home Defence: “I’m not sure what happened exactly. Two
strappingyoung men came round to guard me when I got worried my violent ex might reappear. One minute I’m making them cups of tea with
sugar, the next they’re double-teaming me on the sofa.”
“It’s not that I don’t enjoy a thorough rogering.” Miss Ahbless continued. “I’m just not sure it’s an entirely professional way of behaving.”
But not every instance of coppers exploring areas they shouldn’t has resulted in carnal fun and mutual pleasure, as the case of PC
Mike Sausage-Fest illustrates. The officer was recently imprisoned for preying on some of the more vulnerable women in society,
taking shoplifters and drugs addicts into ‘personal custody’ then convincing them to take their tops off because “it’ll help with the
investigation”. Sausage-fest would continue by urging these at-risk ladies toward his trouser area because “the courts will look on
it more kindly if you cooperate”.
Most high profile in these shocking cases was the unexpected resignation of Shadow Chancellor Alan Johnson. This followed news
that his wife Laura (right) had been indulging in a bit of the old in-out with her ‘Close Protection Officer’ Paul Rice, an experienced
Constable from the Metropolitan Force some claim was a little too close, eh, eh? Phwoar!
Although this affair proved no laughing matter for a devastated Mr. Johnson who was subsequently replaced by Ed ‘Heid The’ Balls,
and has now banned police officers from within a hundred yards of his missus, most of the media had plenty of sympathy for PC Rice, as his recent appearance on the Graham Norton Show illustrates:
“I’m only human after all, and that Johnson bird absolutely threw herself at me. Gagging for a seeing to she was, what’s a red-blooded boy in
blue to do?” PC Rice asked as a live studio audience cheered him on and Graham Norton (left) gurned in the background.
“No one knows what its like,” Rice continued to camera. “In these lawless days, those of us who uphold the law are targeted by groupies as
frequently as more well-known modern Casanovas like Justin Bieber or Jermaine Defoe. Film stars have got nothing on us. I know ‘bobbies’
who can’t even walk the beat anymore. They end up being chased by gangs of squealing teenage girls, all trying to touch their helmets.”
“Naughty!” Graham Norton interjected at this point.
“In bars and pubs its worse.” The PC mused. “We’ll be ejecting some drunk from the premises and find ourselves unable to see the exit for underwear thrown at our heads by excitable middle-aged women. I sometimes wonder how blokes on the force ever make arrests, the amount of poon-tang we have to get through.”
The interview then concluded with PC Rice doing a striptease in front of Norton’s cheering audience while Graham mimed a penis
entering an orifice with his fingers.
But it isn’t just the more visible officers who are at it like rabbits. Earlier this year the press revealed that employees of the
National Public Order Intelligence Unit had been infiltrating activist groups, then penetrating the women they found there,
attempting to get information on future protests and anarchist ‘actions’. Constable Mark Kennedy (right) turned out to be the
most high-profile culprit, becoming notorious for boning anything in sight while apparently buying into the hippy philosophy.
Yet Kennedy’s boss at the time, Detective Inspector Turpin Oinker, was dismissive of these reports and the record number of complaints from young, female activists who PC Kennedy would go at like he wanted to make them his babymommas.
“Our undercover officers are encouraged to see sex as one of their tools for blending in and finding out the illicit secrets of those within the
environmental movement.” DI Oinker told HDUK. “Promiscuity was a tactic approved at the very top of the Metropolitan Force. We encouraged
Mark to shag around because idealistic hippy chicks will let anyone have a turn. If he hadn’t joined in with the ‘free love’ fun and games they’d
have suspected something. PC Kennedy did well to get over his initial disgust at the unshaven legs and socialist ideology and give the tarts
one for Queen and country.”
“Those girls only got what was coming to them,” Turpin concluded with a shiver. “I’d have done the same, the little sluts.”
But as the outcry over all this sex on the job grows, attention has shifted to the Police Complaints Commission, an independent watchdog
which issued the following announcement earlier today:
“They’re dirty boys aren’t they? Must be something in the water down at the station.”
The official statement went on to say: “Um, er... while we accept that police officers should keep their truncheons in their underwear, I think a
little light discipline can serve to show up the error of their ways. Maybe a few sharp slaps on the botty. Ooh, that’s it. Harder.”
In the absence of the police punishing themselves effectively, and with increased public concern around jihadis entering the country and getting
past our special terrorist task force “just by showing a bit of leg”, the coalition government has now stepped in. As of this morning the Prime
Minister was threatening to escalate his swingeing cuts across the force and lay off police who engaged in public rudery, on-the-job infidelity,
or the fondling of witnesses. But since most estimates put this at around 60% of the UK’s serving officers, Cameron’s plans seem destined
for failure.
