February 2016 News Round Up With Al Likilla

To Balmoral Castle in Aberdeenshire. Here the Queen relaxes with her recently reanimated husband between light engagements, enjoying the British media getting caught on

the hop by an announcement from the family’s PR bod, Beryl Pendergast.

“You will all know by now that Queen Elizabeth the Second has become our nation’s longest serving monarch thanks to good genes, many

breakthroughs in medical technology and limitless wealth.” She cooed. “Preparations are now underway to celebrate her ninetieth birthday,

this April, when we plan to give all you peasants a lovely street party or, as Prince Harry calls it, ‘one last blow-out for the blue-bloods’.”

Pendergast went on: “I can now confirm that the Queen has taken a big decision. Once the revelry has died away, her whole family will be taking an ‘indefinite hiatus’ from the

business of reigning over this country. We expect their operations to be wound down by Christmas, with the Queen quoted as wanting “to end this nonsense once and for all”.”

“She hasn’t come to this decision lightly,” Beryl smiled. “But old Queenie is increasingly sympathetic to the view that the Royal Family are an anachronistic embarrassment to Britain, with no place in a modern, 21st century civilization that's supposed to be egalitarian, at least nominally.”

“She also reckons no one’s up to taking over and doing a half-decent job and I reckon the Queen’s probably right.” The PR woman went on. “I mean, do we really want Charles

putting homeopathy wards in every hospital, or talking to visiting dignitaries like they’re plants? Prince Philip’s already told his first-born to forget about being King entirely and try

something with less responsibility, like retiring.”

In fact, once these 90th birthday celebrations conclude, our nation is expected to press ahead with the dissolution of the monarchy, removing tax breaks and confiscating their public

purse by the end of the year. Many Royals will now have to think about getting proper jobs to make ends meet (and no, that doesn’t mean showjumping). This is of particular concern

to Princes Edward and Andrew since, by late summer, traditions like Trooping the Colour or inspecting the hats of the Coldstream Guards’ will be consigned to history. These rulings will

be followed by an official Royal Decree, announcing that there will be no more Royal Decrees.

Stringent Royalists and other intellectual subnormals have reacted with horror to the news, asking why, if Charles is such a bad bet, their favourite parasites can’t skip

a generation and appoint William as King instead, or perhaps his infant son. This suggestion was dismissed by the hierarchy, as Beryl Pendergast explains:

“I’m sure any younger Royal would be great at it. Ruling only involves going to exotic places, reading autocues and wearing a crown while waving.” Beryl told us. “The

trouble is, nobody wants to face Prince Charles over the banqueting table after he’s been passed over for the top job. Imagine Chazza having to ceremonially bow to the

fruit of his loins, when his own son is crowned King before him. Talk about awkward.”

To the headquarters of the Labour Party, near London’s Euston Square. Here we come to observe the direction of a burgeoning

movement which, under Jeremy ‘Security Risk’ Corbyn, is drifting further from the centre ground of politics and simultaneously

gaining in strength.

“I enjoy a ruck as much as the next man,” squat-bodied Shadow Chancellor and economic Marxist John McDonnell told us in the party’s specially-built Reiki and sparring room. “Since the

right-wing media have latched onto my throwaway phrase and used it to deride the ‘Jez We Can’ movement as hard left I thought, why not capitalise on this recognition factor?”

“The Conservatives and their establishment cronies; Parliamentary whiners I like to call ‘the soft right’, think being anti-privatisation, pro-welfare state and wanting to do something about

inequality makes you ‘hard left’.” McDonnell (left) went on, shadow boxing energetically. “That being the case; I determined to put out some feelers. We needed to see if those men in the

public eye likely to self-identify with such terminology were willing to join our movement. Turns out, they were.”

In a press release this morning, Labour have confirmed the hardest men from the stage, screen and sporting worlds, have now signed up for their cause. These

recruits became card carrying members of the party and will soon take their place at rallies or Community meetings across the country, something that will terrify

lily-livered Blairites everywhere. They include actors Ray Winstone, Vinny Jones and Jimmy Nail - a proper group of ‘Hard Left’ bruisers, I’m sure you’ll agree.

Unfortunately the application of Eastenders star Danny Dyer was turned down and the soap actor is said to be ‘disappointed’ by this. Dyer was refused for not being

sufficiently tough and, on learning of this, Dyer was heard to call Corbyn’s Shadow Cabinet ‘slags’ then slink away in despair, crying like a limp little girl-child.

Media reaction to these developments has been mixed, with Boris Johnson claiming in the Daily Telegraph he could easily have any member of the new ‘Hard Left’ group. Other journalists decry intimidation tactics which have seen the likes of David ‘Davey’ Davies and Jacob Rees-Mogg (left) too scared to enter the House of Commons in case Ross Kemp or Tom Hardy is waiting for them. Others have criticised the Labour

Party’s focus on famous people to up their hardness quota, but the Shadow Chancellor is having none of it.

“Just because those actors and celebrities and cage-fighters we’ve recruited get all the publicity, that doesn’t make them the only ones who’ll be standing

beside me and Jeremy looking surly.” McDonnell explained “I’ve also brought in the landlord of my local pub, Phil, who you really don’t want to mess with, a

teenager called Psycho who goes to school with my son and a gang of bare-knuckle gypsies. Collectively, these men form the new face of ‘The Hard Left’.

None of us are looking for trouble, but we won’t back away from something if it starts.”

As Home Defence was going to press, this collective of ‘Really Hard Leftists’ was already altering the terms of the debate, with Conservative backbenchers

caught jeering Jeremy Corbyn during Prime Minister’s questions quickly shutting up when Jason ‘The Stath’ Statham rose from a bench nearby and stared them out.

To the Rescue Rooms, a 450-capacity music venue in Nottingham. Home Defence arrives here to meet doorman Harry Glare who, in recent months, has been

vocal about his place at the forefront of our country’s perpetual war against terror.

“The staff had a meeting last months and the latest threats from Islamic State came up,” Mr Glare (right) told HDUK outside a concert venue which has showcased

hundreds of bands since opening in 2003 on Talbot Street. “We all agreed the Rescue Rooms would be one of the top ten ISIS targets in this city, definitely. That

means we all have to be extra vigilant, especially any bloke working security with me. It’s fine for bar staff and the fella on the sound desk to keep an eye out for

Islamic extremists but, let’s be realistic, if any jihadis with machine guns get that far, there’s not much they can do except refuse to serve them.”

“No,” Glare continued, putting on sunglasses then crossing his arms decisively. “I’m the one putting my life on the line here, night after night. That makes it vital, to filter out

murderous ISIS blokes from imagined threats. Why do I do it? So local kids can be entertained by Libertines-influenced indie rockers – that's what makes this all

worthwhile.”

While the bouncer’s heroism has been praised in the local press and by himself repeatedly, some younger residents are sceptical of Harry’s belief he’s protecting them from

‘definite death’. Only last week a letter appeared in the Nottingham Advertiser from a final year textiles student, pooh-poohing these claims. It said ISIS were “unlikely to

attack an obscure toilet venue that sells over-priced lager, one that puts on bands no one’s heard of”. Even if they did, the correspondent went on, Glare would hardly form

an effective barrier against a group of suicidal men with automatic weapons, not even if 'his mate John' was on the door too.

We put this to Harry later that evening, while the doorman was keeping a queue of music fans away from the admissions window for over an hour, making them stand out in

the wind and rain, just because he could.

“Don’t tell me there's no threat to life and limb round here mate. If it weren’t for my constant vigilance, all them punters there would be dead.” Harry asserted, finally nodding

through a group of girls who gave the doorman a dirty look on their way in.

“You can see how nervous they are, and how my presence reassures them.” Glare claimed as he searched the twee backpack of a whining indie kid,

finally deeming it explosives-free. “They might be too embarrassed to admit it, but everyone here appreciates my high-risk work – bottled water in the bin

please love! You can get one inside for four quid!”

HDUK stuck around all evening, hearing the muffled sounds of Goth revivalists ‘Watery Discharge’ headlining, and we can attest no ISIS activity was observed anywhere near the venue. Mr Glare

claimed this was because he remained on constant alert; the doorman only abandoning his post for a couple of ‘comfort breaks’ and to check on some suspicious activity down the road. At about

10pm we thought something terror-related might have happened when the bouncer was radioed to go inside, but it turned out Harry was needed to eject a particularly obnoxious slamdancer. Mr

Glare defused this situation by taking the drunken teenager around the back of the premises and beating him up.