Cameron’s ‘Lords Surge’ Helps Overturn Authority of Unelected House
20/11/15
To the Palace of Westminster, home of the UK parliament and an Upper House which, until recently, contained 821 sitting Lords along with
92 hereditary peers. This home of the great and good has been in disarray of late, ever since the House voted down Chancellor George Osborne’s
tax credit cuts. Soon afterwards Prime Minister ‘Diddy’ David Cameron decided to take urgent action against a British institution he previously
thought was brilliant but now condemned as “undemocratic and unworkable”.
“These so-called Lords are just privileged, out-of-touch idiots,” Diddy Dave told a reporter from the Class War organisation. “Who are they to contend that anyone currently
surviving by the skin of their teeth shouldn't be impoverished further by my Chancellor’s vital and well thought-out changes to taxation? Quite honestly, it’s none of their
business. Whatever these silly Lords think they’re doing, now they need to face what’s coming to them. Oh yes indeedy.”
In parliament later Cameron clarified his veiled threats, promising that, over the following month, the recruitment process for new Lords and Ladyships would step up a notch.
Indeed, even though Cameron has been one of the most active Prime Ministers ever in terms of promoting both trusted confidants and Tory party donors to the Upper House,
Dave has now vowed to expand this remit in an attempt to avoid any repeat of the tax credit farce. Said debacle recently saw the House of
Lords delay Osborne’s measures and vote to compensate the worst affected, something that was passed by 289 votes to 272.
“His heart’s in the right place, but I think the PM might have gone a little over the top here.” Lord Pegasus Flourchette, a former supporter of
Cameron’s, told HDUK. “He only needed a few more Conservative Lords along the lines of [awful millionaire golem and self-professed hater of
the poor] Andrew Lloyd Webber (right). Then Dave could have pushed through whatever the Chancellor wanted. But in recent weeks he’s grasped the whole hog, if you’ll pardon the pun.
Now the PM’s going around turning everyone he knows into Lords and Ladies like some kind of mad bastard. It started with members of his extended family, moved on to his Chipping
Norton neighbours then the entire England rugby team. Next up was all the old Buller-Buller-Buller crew, locals in that pub he took the Chinese bloke to and, finally, Coldplay.”
“Because of this surge, we’re now up to two thousand Lords sitting per session.” Flourchette opined, “which, even as a supporter of
the government’s war on the poor, is probably too many.”
Indeed, what has been sold to the British public as a simple way of resolving ‘important constitutional issues’ and presenting a newly
Unified House that never again prevents our rulers doing what they want, has since spiralled out of control. When the Upper
House last sat, the escalation in those attending (or ‘Lords Surge’) led to terrible overcrowding, standing room only in the chamber
and many Ladies stuck out on the street in their best robes and wigs. Here they were forced to mill around and mingle with passing commoners because the venue
was now at full capacity.
In the end the police had to shut the House down once and for all when a Baroness fainted during a speech by Lady Meacher. This triggered a crush that some
feared could lead to a stampede of Lords. As of press time, several hundred incumbents of the house were being treated for anxiety and minor giddiness but
weren’t expected to need anything more powerful than oxygen and perhaps a strong cup of tea to recover.
Ellie Goulding Fans Work Together to Help the Homeless This Christmas
22/11/15
To the cold highways of a wintry London, where groups of young blondes have taken to the streets, eager to make a difference this festive period. These
so-called ‘Ellie’s Angels’ are helping out men with nowhere to go, inspired by their love for that songbird now known as ‘the conscience of the pop charts’,
anti-homeless campaigner and all round worker of miracles, Ellie Goulding.
“I just want to give what help I can to anyone without a roof over his head. I’ve felt that way ever since Ellie drew my attention to
them in her interviews,” Fourteen year old Pretalia Maski (pictured left) told HDUK outside a bank, where several schoolgirls were attempting to feed soup to half-dead homeless
men by the cashpoints. “Before my favourite singer mentioned seeing homeless people near her London mansion and really not liking it, I didn’t even know such things existed.
Ellie’s really inspired me to make a difference!”
Indeed, Goulding is now the number one social campaigner to bring about good deeds among millennials. The vocalist, referred to
as “the UK’s dullest pop starlet” on PopJustice.com and recently condemned by Germaine Greer for having no talent or charisma,
has successfully reinvented herself as the pied piper of sheltered housing. Goulding now regularly uses her celebrity to condemn
the fining of rough sleepers by penniless councils, hitting the headlines when she tweeted her frustration at those who urge us not to give
our cash to substance abusing tramps. Here’s an example: “Why should they not get smacked up if they want to? #itsafreecountry.”
And so, inspired by the example of their favourite singer, today Pretalia and her pals took up a collection outside the Paddington branch of Waitrose, doing close-harmony
carol singing and collecting many donations. This money was then shared between the area’s panhandlers who disappeared off to buy Special Brew, methylated spirits or
industrial solvents then returned, ready to have a right good time.
“It’s nice to be able to make a difference and see the joy in their eyes, even if this happiness is sometimes fogged by alcohol or the after-effects of glue.” Miss Maski went on, sounding pleased with herself. “But I
can’t help feeling they should use this cash to get a bed for the night or rebuild their lives instead. Also, do they have to be quite so smelly? It’s like Ellie says, having compassion isn’t always easy. Did I tell you
my friend Becky’s gone even further? She offered to take one bum home and cook him some kale but he started shouting about bugs and spiders and she got a bit scared.
“I don’t know why Ellie’s not here to help in person,” Pretalia, who would soon return to her large family home in Suffolk, pondered. “She’d know what to do about this – I told
her Facebook page we were coming and everything.”
In fact, the folktronica star and Hereford’s most famous vegan has come a long way since performing at the Royal Wedding for Prince William and his female baby vessel.
Nowadays, much of her time is taken up with attempts to revolutionize society. To that end, Goudling’s management team are now said to be ‘entirely focussed’ on getting
her into the same room as Jeremy Corbyn. The new Labour leader caught Goulding’s eye when she learned he didn’t eat meat, and Ellie was soon calling on Jeremy to join
her at a ‘summit of ideas’. He hasn’t yet responded to Goulding’s increasingly desperate pleas but the ‘On My Mind’ hit-maker refuses to give up, telling HDUK: “I’ve got
important political things to tell him. And it’s perfect, because he’s a politician.”
Chancellor Unveils Array of Gimmicks to Distract Everyone From What He’s Doing
25/11/15
To the pavement beside a large puddle outside number eleven Downing Street, where Home Defence joins representatives of the fourth estate, marinating in anticipation of ‘Gorgeous’ George Osborne’s upcoming Autumn statement. The UK Chancellor is expected to announce more government policy and swingeing cuts any minute now, because the Prime Minister himself really can’t be bothered anymore.
“This is what I’ve got in store for you today, all you lovely, lovely voters of Britain,” Osborne intoned stertorously via a sound system concealed in a tree, shortly after a puff of smoke heralded his appearance in glittery suit and pinwheel hat. “We’ll cut the top income tax rate to strengthen the economy still further and restrict access to education, housing and basic foodstuffs for impoverished young people.”
Mr Osborne then produced two finger puppets from behind the ears of a nearby photographer, toys apparently meant to represent Labour leader
Jeremy Corbyn and Shadow Chancellor John McDonnell. George proceeded to impersonate these men in a silly voice, yelping: “We’ll bankrupt this
country won’t we Jezza?” and “let’s defend our country through pacifist Communism!”
When asked whether this behaviour wasn’t a flagrant attempt to distract voters from his failure to cut the deficit and utter ineptitude on every level,
George shook his head and sneered. Then, as a journalist wondered if the Chancellor really believed low earners could be distracted from their
poverty by such tawdry tricks, Osborne produced a bunch of flowers from the sleeve of his jacket, did the splits and disappeared in a cloud of fake
snow, leaving only a preview of his ‘forthcoming 3-D budget’ projected on the wall of a nearby townhouse.
Theme For Inaugural Calais Film Festival Announced
19/11/15
To the Sangatte Refugee Camp in Calais, Northern France, where thousands of people fleeing the civil war are currently housed in horrendous, cramped conditions.
Here they wait to be processed, hoping to be granted asylum in supposedly safe countries across the globe. But with morale falling and more individuals giving in to
despair by the day, the British government has decided to give these desperate men and women a boost by organising the first film festival in this ferry port’s history.
“Weather permitting, we’ll have outdoor screenings of some of the hottest releases, all dubbed into Arabic so the refugees can enjoy them.” Curator
of the festival Glenda Pabulum (left) told Home Defence. “I’m pleased the British government has given us the funding to set up a big screen and
give the dislocated a window onto a world most of them will never be allowed to see. Of course, that doesn’t mean Britain has eased its strict official stance on refusing asylum seekers. As
David Cameron says, showing everyone here a few flicks is a lot easier than agreeing to take them to the UK. But with four million men and women fleeing their home countries every year
in fear of their lives, it was important to be seen to be doing something.”
“The only formal guideline we have is that at least two-thirds of the motion pictures shown should send the message that the United Kingdom is awful, and only an idiot would
want to live there rather than, say, the lovely welcoming paradise that is Germany.” Mrs Pabulum went on. “To that end, I’ve arranged for a season of Mike Leigh’s most despairing works,
from ‘All or Nothing’ to ‘Naked’ and that adaptation of Thomas Hardy’s ‘Jude The Obscure’ which always leaves audiences suicidal. We’ll also be showing ‘Nil By Mouth’, ‘The War Zone’ and, for
our closing gala, the piece de resistance: ‘Mamma Mia’.”
Along with existing feature films that make Britain appear a cheerless, soul-sucking hell of bigotry, child abuse and perpetual drizzle, specially commissioned propaganda
pieces from the Home Office’s ‘convince them not to come over here, for God’s sake’ unit will also be screened. These include ‘Life In A Ditch’, the fictional account of a family
who make it to Britain only to find themselves homeless before being kicked to death and ‘Cannibal Calves’, a panoramic eight-hour epic that recreates the origins, panic
and hundreds of slow deaths from Mad Cow Disease during the nineties epidemic. But the hottest ticket is an hour-long documentary consisting solely of Theresa May’s face in close up (left)
as she recites an interminable list of all the bad things about our country (“traffic jams, soaring rents, bad teeth, police stop and searches, Ellie Goulding, ‘hippy
crack’, the cost of a pint, racism, Chris Grayling, zero hours contracts, the food…”).
This first Calais Film Festival opens on the 29th of the month with special guest Nigel Farage giving a brief introductory speech in the camp, nicknamed ‘the
jungle’. The erstwhile UKIP leader is expected to tell this audience they’re not welcome in his country, and any of those men he sees before him dressed in rags should think
twice before stealing the jobs of hardworking British people. Nigel will then present Alan Clarke’s neo-Nazi classic ‘Made In Britain’ and spend the entire film laughing his head off.
