News Round Up - February 2011

Scientists have hailed the discovery of the so-called “missing link” between homo sapiens

and Neanderthal man as a unique breakthrough in the study of anthropology. The discovery was made by an explorer who ventured into the most dangerous depths of Ealing post office in a search for valuable treasure. The explorer, a Dr Norman Foster, said:

“I was endeavouring to purchase some of the old stamps, ones with the Queen’s head on the front as opposed to those ones with Thunderbird puppets or fucking robins on. I realised in order to locate these rare items I would need to set forth into the unknown: beyond the sparse stationery section, through the meandering, slow-moving queue of pensioners, right to the counter itself - the heart of darkness, if you will.”

After a journey of several hours, during which time Dr Foster encountered many strange and

terrifying sights, including French students attempting to use a phrase book to send a

registered parcel, a gang of urchins waiting in vain at the passport photo booth and a little man

in an ill-fitting suit attempting to sell him house insurance despite the fact he was in a fucking

post office, he finally reached the counter – and encountered what he believes was the missing

link, “Postofficus Londonicus”.

Dr Foster shudders as he remembers:

“There, through the glass, I observed the most horrible creature in God’s great fundament. It was enormously fat, wearing an assortment of ill-fitting rags, with strange, waxen skin that had never known daylight and patches of fur atop its sweaty, shining, vexatious head. Its vacant eyes were those of a trapped animal and though I feared this creature, I also pitied it.”

The creature began making strange grunting noises, and to his astonishment, Dr Foster realised it was attempting to communicate.

“Although its tongue and throat were too primitive to speak like a human, it made a series of rudimentary noises which I understood to be that of its species. A kind person behind me in the queue spoke a little of its language and explained that the gargoyle wanted to know if I wished to pay extra to ensure the package I thought I’d already paid postage on would definitely get there, like definitely sometime soon, but not before one p.m. the next day.”

When Dr Foster was unable to understand the beast’s grunts, the creature became visibly

agitated, bouncing up and down on its little stool covered in masking tape and dribbling all

down its grey, stained shirt. Dr Foster ran from the post office as fast as his legs could

carry him, but unfortunately in nearby Gloucester Road fell into a puddle right up to his

middle.

Dr Foster shudders again as he recalls his adventures.

“I am convinced that the monster I encountered that terrible day was the so-called missing

link. I would like to go back to confirm the sighting but my doctor informs me that falling

into the puddle brought on an episode of gout, and so sadly, it seems I’ll never go there

again.”

Home Secretary Teresa May (right) has defended posing for a series of saucy

photographs in the latest issue of Women’s Institute’s “Life” Magazine. In the photos,

to be published next month, May is seen:

• Posing astride an inflatable Big Ben wearing only leopard-print heels and a smile;

• Performing lurid acts with a string of anal beads in the Central Lobby of Parliament;

• Full-on girl/girl action incorporating rubber wet-suits, vibrating toys, whips and cream

with Anne Widdecombe on the riverside terrace;

• An explosive bukkake climax with Menzies Campbell, Michael Gove and Ed Balls in

the centre of Parliament Square.

May shrugged off criticisms that she had brought the dignity of public office into disrepute:

"I actually think these are quite tasteful photographs," she said. "And you know, as I say, it was all meant to be a bit of harmless fun."

A special issue of “Life” Magazine, “Nuts in May: grunge filth split crotch beaver special” will be available from all good grumble shops and vicar’s tea parties next week. Order your personal signed copy from Teresa May at: [email protected]

London retaliated in the growing diplomatic row with Liverpool by recalling its ambassador to the city,

it was announced today.

The two cities have a long history of mutual mistrust, following a series of incidents including

derogatory comments made by Boris Johnson, the importation of Scouse celebrities including Cilla, Tarbs and most recently John Bishop to the capital, and accusations of insensitivity by Southern comedians such as Harry Enfield.

In recent years the frosty relations between the two countries had thawed, leading to the establishment of a Liverpudlian embassy in London, food parcels being sent to Liverpool’s starving populace, and the donation of Joe Cole to a local amateur football team. However, the “gift” of Cole is now being seen in Scouse circles as tantamount to industrial sabotage.

The recall of Fernando Torres to London appears to have opened up the whole can of worms, and putting them back in the tin will be rather tricky if not really that difficult.

A new generation of power stations are to be introduced nationwide, running solely on dead children. A government spokesman explained: “this ground-breaking idea is really just an improvement on a scheme already being planned in Redditch, where the council are hoping to heat swimming pools with cadavers.

“Our view is that cadavers tend to be quite old, which unfairly discriminates against the young. So if anyone has a child they no longer need, and would like to contribute to the fight against global warming, send us your kids now, enclosing a stamped addressed Jiffy bag in case they fail to fully meet Britain’s energy needs.”

The behaviour of certain sections of the House is getting out of hand, according to insiders. One

MP, who didn’t want to be named but is Leader of the Opposition, said shakily:

“It started out with a bit of name calling, waving hankies, jeering, that sort of thing. But now it’s

become a serious problem. Someone – I’m not naming names but he’s the Prime Minister – put

a tack on my chair when I stood to make a speech. When I sat down he visibly smirked – at least

I think he did, he always looks like that.”

However, a spokesman for the Coalition defended his government’s behaviour, and pointed out that the opposition are hardly a bunch of innocents themselves:

“New Labour are a bunch of bloody hooligans,” said the spokesman. “The other day Jack Straw and some of his cronies were making gob balls with bits of an environment Green Paper and flicking them at John Bercow, and when I went to the toilet Margaret Beckett demanded my dinner money or she’d flush my head down the toilet”.