Winter 2010 News Round Up with Al Likilla

Placebos To Be Made Available On The

NHS

08/02/10

In an effort to close the growing NHS funding gap the Government’s Health Czar, Rusty Sugarfree,

has this afternoon announced that many placebos will soon be available by for GPs to prescribe

to their more problematic or annoying patients. This scheme follows a successful trial of

homeopathy on the gullible, many of whom said they felt substantially better after taking

something that has no recognised medical benefits and is essentially water.

Mrs. Sugarfree advised Home Defence:

“This will enable doctors to give the impression they’re doing something useful for patients when actually they’re not at all. Studies have shown that placebos are particularly effective in cases of attention-seeking children and hypochondriacs, while sugar pills or vials of unspecified herbal fluid taken orally can fob off the terminally ill, along with people who don’t speak English very well.” Rusty goes on. “Prince Charles (right), the patron of this scheme and driving force behind it,

has described the use of placebos as ‘much-needed’ and ‘revolutionary’. That’s the advantage of having a

famous national figure backing our scheme. People will listen when the Prince speaks, even if he has no

real idea what he’s talking about.”

Should the take up of placebos prove effective in saving cash, the NHS is expected to move further into new age

bullshit and positive thinking, movements that are proven to be a remunerative method of appearing to do

something for terminal cases, while leaving aside the option of proper treatment by expensive medical

professionals.

In a last-ditch attempt to revive his popularity before the coming General

Election, senior government sources today confirmed that Gordon

Brown has begun talks with the supernatural community to commence

what government watchers are calling ‘the full Dracula’ on his own

personage. Sources close to the Prime Minister told us Gordon

believes he can reduce that apparently unassailable deficit in the

opinion polls by exploiting the recent fad, one that has made blood-sucking fashionable for a new generation, and thereby halt the Conservative challenge.

“From True Blood to Twilight, 2010 is set to be the year of the vampire.” Spokesman Pokey Shammyleather told confused ladies and gentlemen of the press late last night. “The cabinet are in agreement that Gordon’s best chance for re-election is to cash-in on a predilection among the young folk for all things fanged and get himself bitten by a minion of the undead. The Prime Minister will then rise again as a charismatic, other-worldly presence, creating fear and desire in the electorate with his brooding air of danger. We’ve been working on this plan for a while now and it definitely isn’t a last, desperate roll of the dice because we couldn’t think of anything

else. Definitely not.”

At this point a reporter from The Independent asked Mr. Shammyleather whether vampires weren’t actually

made up, whereupon he was swiftly removed from the briefing room by some hired goons under the direction of

Peter Mandelson.

Early reports from the Conservative ‘war room’ suggest their response to this latest salvo in the election build-up

will come very soon. Rumour has it David Cameron intends to walk around gusty moors over the next full

moon and put out a call via his web-site asking if anyone can get hold of some ‘werewolf serum’ he can inject

himself with.

John Terry Officially “Worse Than A

Paedophile”

15/02/10

In the wake of the recent scandal surrounding Chelsea FC philanderer John Terry (right) and his subsequent

sacking from the role of England captain, world figures including Kim Jong-Il and Sarah Palin have united to

express their disgust for a bloke who simply can’t keep it in his trousers.

“It’s disgraceful!” The government’s Sports Minister stated yesterday in a pious editorial intended to appeal to Victorian moralists, Daily Mail readers and idiots everywhere. “To lead the national side in any sport, be it soccer or tiddlywinks, you have to recognise your wider responsibilities for Britain’s well-being.” The minister went on to suggest that, as penance for porking the ex of slightly-less-rich footballer Wayne Bridge, Terry should have his eyes gouged out because: “He’s worse than a paedophile! At least kiddy-fiddlers don’t impinge on the sanctity of marriage while pretending to care about the country I love. That bastard!”

Meanwhile London’s Mayor, Boris Johnson (pictured left with colleagues from the London

Assembly), weighed into the debate, telling a gathering of pinch-faced Conservative fishwives:

“Cripes! That fellow doesn’t jolly well know what he’s doing. Take it from an old hand like

me, you denies all extra-marital affairs in public, even when it’s obvious you're lying. Then you pay

off the right people to keep it under wraps. Never get involved with your mistresses and their multiple

abortions either, that’s just barmy. Whenever I got my bit of stuff up the duff, I took the opportunity

to see more of my family. Every man likes extra-curricular poon-tang, but I would never defecate

where I ate. Go further afield young man, that’s my advice! Society’s going to hell in a handcart –

those soccer Johnnies need to be more careful.”

Reports suggest Terry has also jeopardised a potential role as an advisor to the government on foreign policy which he was definitely a shoo-in for, as well as the chance to be an ambassador alongside fellow UN recruits Geri Halliwell, Trudie Styler and Craig Bellamy, news that forced England manager Fabio Capello to make the following statement:

“Yes, he is the best English defender, and capable of leading our team to World Cup glory in a way none of

the understudies could match.” The manager claimed in his trademark broken English. “But he broke the sanctity

of marriage. That’s something we hold very dear here at the training camp, particularly us Italians. John may never

play again.”

Apparently the England football team is now an accepted synecdoche for the moral rightness of English society,

its players supplanting parents as role models by which their children are raised. Unfortunately none of

Stevie Gerrard (leathered a DJ), Frank Lampard (filmed spit roasts), Rio Ferdinand (drunk driving), David

Beckham (serial infidelity) nor Wayne Rooney (naked grandmother prostitute / repeated stamping on opposition goolies) can take the armband, as they don’t measure up to society’s expectations. Michael Owen will therefore have to start every game during South Africa 2010, even while injured or shit, so that England possess a leader on the pitch who is morally unimpeachable. Apart

from the gambling addiction, obviously.

Should England go on to lift the World Cup, with Terry playing alongside Bridge in the back four, Clint

Eastwood is said to be buying the rights to this uplifting, triumph-over-the-odds story. The film director

is then expected to cast Matt Damon and Angelina Jolie in two of the leading roles, with Jason Statham

(left) as Terry.

Jonathan Ross In Job Centre Mishap

24/01/10

Following official confirmation that he will not seek to renew his contract with the BBC when it expires,

ex-television presenter Jonathan Ross (right) today announced that he is completely flummoxed following

initial attempts to navigate the British benefits system. The celebrity was intending to claim money that is

now available to him, as one of Britain’s growing number of unemployed.

“I went down the Job Centre this morning and it was weally confusing.” Woss told a

HDUK source. “First I had to spend four hours just filling in forms. Then I tried to see

an advisor but a load of Portsmouth footballers pushed in front. I have to do three job

applications a fortnight to get my allowance, but there isn’t much available in my line

of work at present. Not unless something untoward befalls Alan Carr.”

In order to finish this apparently never-ending process and claim the dole money which Ross’s wife Mitzy

claims is “vital to feed our family”, the former host of Friday Night With Jonathan Ross and Film 2009

ended up applying for jobs as a checkout assistant at Debenhams, Lidls shelf-stacker, and IT helpdesk

support.

Senior Bankers To Be Replaced By

School Leavers

01/02/10

In the wake of the chancellor Alistair Darling’s one-off tax on city bonuses,

thousands of London’s bankers are threatening to relocate to other financial

centres around the world, leaving the capital desperately short of high-flying types

speaking loudly into mobile phones. In response, the government has announced a

solution to ameliorate this mass exodus, a migration that threatens to leave the

capital desperately short of the talent necessary to compete with other leading

cities around the world.

In a briefing earlier today Yvette Cooper, the Work and Pensions secretary, noted that “40% of Britain’s school leavers are now unemployed, and with so many opportunities arising in London’s square mile, we’ve decided to slot as many feckless teenagers

as we can directly into commodity broker or investment manager roles. While some financial services experts will undoubtedly complain about the lack of experience spotty lads called ‘Kev’ or ‘Gav’ bring to multi-million pound hedge funds and stock deals,

the Labour party don’t really see a problem. After all, some of these school leavers have several GCSEs

to their name, and they’re bound to learn as they go, its not hard. All you need are superhuman levels of

self-confidence, boundless chutzpah and a cheap suit.”

Reaction among the wider electorate has been broadly positive, with 87% of those polled sharing the

belief that no one, not even a bunch of confused adolescents, "could make such a hash of it as the last

lot.”