News Round Up with Al Likilla

Non-Recyclers To Be Trapped By DNA

30/04/07

Finally, to the streets and rubbish holes of suburban England, where local government has announced

a revolutionary concept in the ongoing fight for green issues to take precedence over liberty, individual

freedoms, and the overall public good.

“We’ve reached a stage in the battle for the environment where persuasion, cajoling, and empty threats no longer have any impact on the average idiot in the street.” Announced the head of Rushmoor Council, Nelly Dropbear, at a Press Conference. “English households currently recycle 27% of their waste, but as any liberal will tell you, that’s nowhere near enough. Recently there have been instances where individuals were prosecuted and sent to prison for ‘Crimes Against The Environment’, stuff like putting a milk bottle in the green glass bin or not washing out their empty baked bean cans. Despite these arrests, until now we’ve been powerless against those who make no effort to recycle whatsoever, but with these new scientific developments the borough of Rushmoor can change all that.”

The proposed scheme would increase the powers of the so-called ‘Recycling Police’ who have been deployed locally in recent months, making door-to-door enquiries and enforcing fines of £1,000 on persistent non-recyclers. From this summer these specialist teams will be permitted to rummage through suspect rubbish, retrieving items that should have been separated out, and conducting DNA tests on the offending crud. Results can then be matched against the national police database, identifying culprits who will be manacled together and thrown into specially commissioned ‘Earth Killer Camps’, much to their shame and bemusement.

“This may seem like an extreme approach, to rob children of their parents simply because they’re confused about which type of bottle to recycle.” Continued Dropbear when questioned by reporters. “But research shows there are one or two particularly

naughty households in every street, and with our planet getting hotter by the day, now is the

time to take action before it’s too late. We need to follow Norway’s example and re-process

two-thirds of all our rubbish, moving toward a position where every borough in England ships

as little detritus as possible to over-stretched Chinese landfill sites. Now, if you’ll excuse me,

I have a plane to catch.”

The streets of West London, where this week thirty-something fashion executive

Jemima Ovenmitt had her fears re-prioritised in an instant by an unfortunate incident just off the Kings’ Road.

“Over the past few years I’ve grown increasingly paranoid about ‘bin raiders’ outside my Chelsea home.” A

fearful Jemima told HDUK. “So much so I’ve invested in a shredder and report my postman to the police every

time a piece of mail goes missing. You can’t be too careful nowadays, and the idea some fraudster might get my details from a utility bill or piece of junk mail, then apply for credit in my name, leads to sleepless nights. After all, anyone could covet my financial background – friends, family, colleagues, even that tramp who hangs around Kensington Gardens frightening the geese. It was constantly preying on my mind.”

“That all changed last night. As I was wandering down a darkened alleyway wondering if the waiter in that tapas

bar I’d just been to had seen my pin number, I was accosted by two youths who kicked me to the ground and

stole my Gucci handbag. The officer dealing with my case seemed amused when I asked if the ruffians might

pretend to be me and steal the excellent line of credit on my Harrods store card. He told me to go to the

hospital for a check up and try to get things into perspective. I’m going to do that right after talking with you,

even though I’m shaken up by the possibility that some hoodie could be using my phone to pose as me right

now.”

Miss Ovenmitt was subsequently diagnosed with post-traumatic stress and told to worry more about street

crime than whatever hi-tech horror story she’d recently read about in the Daily Mail in future.

Crufts Engulfed By ‘Size Zero Dog' Scandal

03/04/07

You join us at the Kennel Club’s annual canine jamboree in the NEC, Birmingham, where 2007 will go down

in the proud sport of dog-showing as the year Crufts’ good name was tainted by corruption and pet-related

eating disorders.

“We first suspected a change in the owners’ priorities at the first weigh-in.” Concerned competition judge Judy Poppers (imagine a cross between Barbara Woodhouse and your mum), told HDUK. “It wasn’t just the naturally thin breeds we found to be underweight. You expect to feel the ribcages of greyhounds, lurchers and the like, but this year even the Alsatians and Saint Bernards were dangerously malnourished. They kept looking round self-consciously and checking their figures in the nearest mirror. I can only assume that the human obsession with cellulite and weight-gain has somehow transferred itself to the dog world in a kind of pet-owner thought osmosis.”

Indeed, the recent trend toward so-called ‘waif-like pooches’ which has infected the showdog industry in recent months threatened to end this year’s tournament, the world’s biggest mutt display folderol, which attracts some 120,000 visitors annually. This isn’t the first time Crufts has suffered allegations of impropriety, with previous years seeing saboteurs target the nicest dogs, while at the 2004 event one Dobermann was drugged by a jealous rival and subsequently fell off its podium. But such was the extent of the skinny animal problems at this year’s show, several times the event threatened to descend into farce.

“Lots of them were swaying as they entered the ring.” Noted spectator and long-time dog fanatic Orville Smax. “Then one particularly skeletal Labrador collapsed halfway round that assault course thing they do. Backstage there were whispers we might see a whole generation of puppies grow up with serious body image issues. It’s terrible, but I feel for the

owners most. What can they do if ‘man’s best friend’ turns his nose up at the Winalot after seeing unnaturally

slight canines in the pages of ‘Dogs Monthly’? These anxieties are only going to grow in future litters, it’s time

the organisers did something about this.”

Indeed, the directors of Crufts are discussing the possibility of banning any dog found to have a CMI (Canine

Mass Index) of fourteen or less at the 2008 competition, although many leading pundits disagree with this

course of action, saying such a drastic measure would unfairly bias the field against naturally slender hounds

and could lead to a fat little sausage dog winning Best In Show.

Farmers Urged To Offset Cows’

‘Methane Hoofprints’

18/04/07

This Spring green groups across the UK begin a new campaign aimed at raising awareness and counteracting

the ‘environmental holocaust’ caused by Britain’s farm emissions, as well as the subsequent danger to our planet

from bovine flatulence syndrome (BFS).

“We need buy-in from farmers and the EU on this, but with the results of global warming become more and more apparent, soon everyone’s going to be forced to wake up and smell what their herds are emitting.” Said Friends of the Earth awareness drive leader, Anatole Wormhole. “Our ‘methane neutral’ campaign will provide British agricultural workers with estimates of their yearly cow fart levels, then advise on the efforts required to offset these bottom burps in the context of odour neutrality. From there, hopefully we can restore this planet to robust health.”

Methane is the second most damaging ‘greenhouse gas’ after carbon dioxide, and a major percentage is produced by microbes

living in the stomachs of livestock. These in turn initiate parping and honking, along with those clouds of gas

we notice when out walking in the countryside. Proposed methods of negating these expulsions, which

Friends of the Earth are asking the UK government and European Union to contribute towards, include the

laboratory production of ‘antidote’ microbes to nullify the ‘bad’ ones, the attachment of tanks of ‘good’

microbes to the backs of sheep, the keeping of herds in special plastic booths to filter out the methane, or the

possibility of simply killing them all in a foot and mouth style pyre, then making people eat luncheon meat

instead. Gordon Brown and his advisors are said to be looking into the situation, while also keeping a good

distance from the source of the problem.