The Planet Earth, where recent months have seen a new approach to the problem of
global warming throughout the Western world. Previously the earth’s populace
vacillated between concern and apathy after learning more about the enormous
problems besetting them, as it became apparent there wasn’t much anyone could do on an individual level.
“People are about done with remorse and ‘caring’.” Climate Change psychologist Anders Puddy told Home Defence. “All those stark messages governments and Al Gore have been sending out reached critical mass in our brains sometime last month. We’re now at the stage where trying to scare ordinary citizens has actually become counter-productive.”
Puddy continued: “Nowadays reports that describe how massive and imminent the threat is tend to go in
one ear and out the other. It’s the mental equivalent of yelling La La Not Listening! Trend analysts have
seen more and more individuals blotting out the news of melting ice caps and extreme weather events in
2009, and now thousands are rebelling against the pious message of governments who got us into this
mess in the first place. I don’t blame them, not even if our new future means the human race could be
wiped out in fifty years.”
Indeed, even in the face of an ongoing economic recession, many rich countries have seen an upsurge in meat eating, recreational C02 emissions and dismissing global warming as ‘a load of nonsense’. These people then book their flights to places that could easily be reached by motor vehicle, ideally an electric one.
Experts are endeavouring to combat this behaviour, warning people of all walks across Europe and America
that, if we continue to be naughty like this, no one has more than ten years of self-indulgent behaviour before
the point of no return is reached. Then our whole world becomes irretrievably fucked; future generations faced
with a stark choice between scrabbling through a post-apocalyptic wasteland and building rocket ships from
scrap metal to go and live on Mars instead.
But even this educated scaremongering has had little effect, as illustrated by a recent interview with leading
businessman and relentless consumer Willie Adonis (pictured left) in the newly-launched Let’s ‘Ave It
While We Still Can lifestyle magazine:
“By the time ‘Gaia’ or whatever those hippies call it is over I’ll be long dead.” Adonis told the interviewer.
“So why not exploit everything I can with rapacity and no conscience in the meantime? Preferably in a
flamboyant manner? I don’t really like my children, and any human who isn’t in my iPhone can go hang for
“This is a blatant infringement of my civil liberties; asking me to change my lifestyle and think of somebody besides myself.” This exemplar of late capitalism continued, working himself into a lather. “Today I can indulge my need for exotic holidays and fine foods from around the world, travelling between all my opulent houses by private jet. Apparently I can get away with this for another ten or eleven years so that’s what I’m damn well going to do. Even if, as someone informed me the other day, I’m individually responsible for the same rate of emissions as a small country.”
When asked whether recession-linked reductions in his personal profit margins could possibly impact upon
this anti-ethical stance, Adonis snapped: “I can keep this up until 2015 just by shifting credit around. Even if
the party is over soon, I’m pretty much middle-aged already. Someone else will inherit my debt. Probably the
government. Or space-people from the future.”
In fact, current predictions put what is known as ‘earth-death’ occurring around 2036, possibly sooner if new political party Climate Change Embracers Unite! continues to gain in popularity. At present CCEU membership stands at 100,000 voters, all sick of hearing about environmental issues. These men (and a few women) would rather have a really good time and, you know, fuck the
consequences, instead and this non-conformist stance has left the CCEU the fastest growing party in the
UK’s painfully neutered political landscape.
“Despite the best efforts of the Greenies we believe there really is no turning back now.” Leader of the
CCEU, Geronimo Whyte (left) told HDUK. “Unlike the Conservatives, who pay lip service to the importance
of tackling global warming but always back business when it comes down to the wire, we understand the
science and facts behind Climate Change. We simply don’t care.”
Whyte goes on: “It’s actually very liberating, knowing a mere 2% rise in temperatures over the next few years
means that by 2020 all will be lost. At CCEU we’re keen to be a part of that. Most of our members drive
Porsches or Lamborginhis and none of us bother to recycle. The G8 nations’ pitiful attempts to cut emissions
have come to naught, so everything’s screwed anyway. That being the case, we might as well go ahead and
thoroughly trash the place.”
“It’s like when people move home and throw a big party the night before, or a man with terminal cancer goes on a month long
crack-and-hookers bender.” Geronimo asserts. “You might not think it right or wise, but in the grand
scheme of things that matters not a jot; it’s too late to start caring now. If humanity is good at one thing it’s
denying the consequences. Nothing lasts forever, and for my generation that’s a bloody good thing. We get
In the coming months men and women like Mr. Whyte are expected to leave their air conditioning on and
spend the days gathered around massive bonfires cooking reconstituted meat
products, laughing uproariously before hopping into massive, gas-guzzling SUVs
to go on cross-country road trips.
If current voting trends continue the Climate Change Embracers party is expected to have more followers
than any other political group by the time of the next general election, with the possible exception of
‘Diddy’ David Cameron’s Conservatives (right) and UKIP.
