IPCC Inquiry Finds ‘No Evidence of Wrong-Doing’ In Case Of Serial Killing Police Officer

To the headquarters of the Metropolitan Police in London’s St James’ Park, where the publication of a report by

the Independent Police Complaints Commission in conjunction with the government regarding the activities of

firearms officer Alistair Steeplehead, has today provoked a mixed reaction. This document follows accusations

by members of the public and various journalists that Steeplehead, a member of the Met’s specialist ‘CO19

Unit’ which works with the Flying Squad to thwart terrorist activity, has been repeatedly shooting citizens the police have labelled ‘terrorists’ but who were, in fact, entirely innocent of any criminality.

“The conclusions of this report are not unexpected.” Maintained a lawyer for the family of one of

Steeplehead’s victims, a landscape gardener called Panjit Singh who was shot in the head for having a

large beard. “The Metropolitan force have been made to acknowledge what we knew to be the case – there

is a mass murderer in their midst. While we are glad that Officer Steeplehead has been taken off duty,

pending the results of his latest psychiatric evaluation, Mr. Singh’s loved ones find it hard to agree with the

inquiry’s conclusion that Steeplehead’s victims were ‘lawfully killed’. I would say that the testimony of this man’s law enforcement colleagues is unsafe at best. Officers still maintain Alistair had ‘no choice’ but to shoot those eleven individuals who died at his hands, including father of three Norman Price, repeatedly gut-shot because he was believed to be wielding a sawn-off shotgun. Mr. Price eventually turned out to be carrying nothing more threatening than a small piece of driftwood he’d brought back from a recent trip to Eastbourne.”

When suspicions concerning the officer came to light Steeplehead was suspended on full pay, but following the

report’s controversial findings, findings which have attracted more unwanted publicity for the beleaguered

Metropolitan Police, their head - Sir Ian Blair - has promised that his murderous underling will not be

returning to operational duties any time soon. However, Sir Ian has asked the media to bear in mind that his men

‘perform an extremely difficult function’, asserting that, if only one of thirteen thousand active officers in London

turns out to be a death-dealing psychopath then “that’s a pretty good strike rate”.

Indeed, Sir Ian promises to go further, and will prosecute Steeplehead should he murder any more civilians

in cold blood. Yet this guarantee isn’t enough for some campaigning groups, they believe the IPCC is

unwilling to take on the Met’s firearms division because “they’ve got all the guns”, an accusation rubbished

by Chief Superintendent Kermit Dingleberry, one of the force’s most respected senior policemen.

“We didn’t spot Officer Steeplehead’s wayward activities at first, that much is true.” Dingleberry

admitted to Home Defence. “Typically in these situations a team of armed police will turn up at the site of a suspected terrorist ‘bomb factory’, storm in, then find it to be nothing worse than a house full of foreigners who occasionally access the internet. In these circumstances, chances are one or two of the attending officers will have their

own ‘little quirks’. For example, some of my men like to fire rounds into the air or scream a battlecry before

kicking the door in at five a.m. Others will choose to club noisy suspects with the butt of their guns, knocking

a few teeth out as a kind of preliminary warning. But Alistair was different. Every time a guy we’d been

pursuing as a result of erroneous information started to run away, or an individual reminiscent of Islam came

into his rifle sights, he would instantly go for the brain-shot and blow their heads clean off. Steeplehead did

this six or seven times to men of a variety of nationalities who’d committed no crime. That was when we

began to see a pattern. Alistair was sent to our in-house psychological profiler, whereupon his psychiatric

make-up turned out to exactly match that of a serial killer. Who knew?”

Indeed, in an interestingly ironic turn of events, it turns out this mass killer was plying his trade on the right side

of the law; going home each night to a young wife and child, having accomplished what the media initially

reported as a job well done. But criminal psychologist Derek Fuzzy-Wuzzy takes a different tack.

“Steeplehead, like most serial killers, possesses a higher than average IQ.” Fuzzy-Wuzzy told a group of

journalists outside St James’ Park tube. “He quickly realised the best way of going about his deadly business unnoticed in today’s world would be to join the UK’s so-called ‘war on terror’. Then, the moment his superiors

mentioned that the individual they had under surveillance somehow represented ‘terror’, Steeplehead would be

well within his rights to shoot him and thereby gain that surge of euphoria which stimulates men of his

psychological ilk. This is a combination of endorphins let loose by the brain, and an involuntary sexual release

which a serial killer will typically experience upon watching his victim expire. Of course, with our police

renowned for ‘looking after their own’, it’s no surprise he got away with it for so many years. As long as

Steeplehead joined in with the racist banter, covered his colleagues’ backs during dangerous operations,

and occasionally made the tea, his fellow officers would be happy to suppress the mounting evidence

against him.”

In fact, Steeplehead could have carried on plying his deadly trade indefinitely, were it not for the public outcry

over his eleventh victim, a Sikh bookmaker who the authorities watched for a number of months, then shot dead

when he made a self-deprecating joke about Al-Jazeera. The IPCC were forced to act, but with today’s report

the Metropolitan Police seem to be drawing a line under the whole episode, even revisiting their policy of shoot

to kill for anyone who might be a suicide bomber (fitting the profile as male, a bit shifty, and carrying an iPod).

Additionally, Sir Ian Blair has promised to bear in mind Lord Justice Topspleen’s earlier recommendation that

the police arrest rather than murder suspects in the future. However, during this afternoon’s press conference,

Mr. Blair was quick to point to the paper’s more upbeat conclusions, including the IPCC’s regret that a man of

Steeplehead’s skills is currently unavailable (describing it as “a big loss to Londoners”), as well as a bit on the

final page where the authors summarise events, stating “one bad apple won’t spoil the whole barrel” and

concluding that 99% of the capital’s police officers are “nice”.