Conservative Central Office at 30 Millbank in Westminster where, earlier today, shocked party members
were confronted by the sight of Prime Minister ‘Diddy’ David Cameron bursting through their door and
screaming: “Shut it down! Shut it down!” to a horrified group of staff as he brought the entire Tory operation to a sudden and violent end.
“He wasn’t making much sense to be honest.” Administrative assistant Sarah Tulley told Home Defence afterwards. “Dave kept rambling on about how he had to ‘cut off a limb to save the body’. It was only later when one of his spin people called a meeting and said we should delete all emails, shred sensitive documents, and clear our desks with immediate effect, that I realised I was out of a job.”
“Then this guy started saying how we should be proud to be part of this historic day, and that our sacrifice wouldn’t be in vain because we
were helping restore faith in the political process and Rupert Murdoch’s News International corporation. Or something. No one was
listening much by then. We were just wondering how we'd pay our mortgages now it’s over.”
The Conservatives’ standing has been on the wane for a while, with a number of embarrassing u-turns, the prospect of regular industrial
action, and Cameron’s indecisiveness about his personal relationships with, among others, future cell-bunny / suicide risk Andy Coulson
and demonic ginger bruiser Rebekah Brooks, coming under particular scrutiny. Yet no one truly expected such sudden and potent action
by a man fondly known as ‘the puffin-faced chancer’ by his many devotees. Among those caught on the hop were the 306 sitting Tory MPs
in the House of Commons, all of whom now have to find other work, most likely in the service sector.
“To be honest, I saw something like this coming as soon as our major financial backers started pulling out.” Mused a clearly traumatised Chief Whip
(right) in the House this afternoon. “Party membership has been dropping like a stone ever since the coalition government formed and began to screw
everything up. Then came the boycotts, petitions, the endless stream of death threats. I think Dave decided to cut his losses rather than try to justify
something that was morally indefensible and clearly ‘sullied’.
“Some people are suggesting a similar party with a different name will quickly form to fill this massive gap in the political landscape, once the electorate
has forgotten everything we did wrong, but I’m not convinced. I think Cameron’s going to quit politics altogether.” The Right Honourable Gentleman
concluded. “And then Dave will probably go back to his first love; Zorbing.”
In a tantalising irony, due to the recent benefits crackdown, the former Minister for Work and Pensions, Iain Duncan-Smith (left), will be in no position
to claim dole money because of the stringent checks he himself introduced. Duncan-Smith is subsequently expected to starve to death because of
As the largest political party in the United Kingdom was wound up this afternoon, the implications for many associated
with its worldview and ethos remained unclear. However, Mayor of London Boris Johnson is expected to switch allegiances
and run for re-election in 2012 on an Independent Libertarian / Infidelity ticket, while Nick Clegg and the rest of the Liberal
Democrats are reported to be “bewildered” and “uncertain how to proceed”. So no change there then.
At press time much of the Conservative Party had been packed away and was being stored in crates under the Houses of Parliament, waiting
for collection by Pickfords. But at nearby 10 Downing Street there was no sign of life, the Camerons having moved back to Notting Hill and
reportedly asked the press to respect their privacy at this difficult time. A hurried Press Release was the only official communication,
announcing one final Prime Minister’s Questions later this week to raise money for charity and appease everyone’s consciences, before the
whole damn thing is consigned to history once and for all.
