Voluntary Chav Sterilization Programme Commences

The latest episode in England’s exciting, unconventional political

experiment, and, in an attempt to re-engineer the social landscape of the country, the recently-formed DemCon

Party has introduced a number of initiatives to remove the problem of poor people being poor in plain sight.

These range from a restructure of the welfare state to favour those who don’t need help, to the moving of the housing benefit reliant to places in the country where no one wants to live. Further to these achievements, ‘Diddy’ David Cameron and his acolytes have been brainstorming all sorts of out-of-the-box ideas, none of them potentially more game-changing or controversial than their take on the ‘Chav’ phenomenon that so besets our country.

Home Defence visited a mobile NHS Walk-In Centre on Crawley High Street to get the inside

scoop on this ‘Council House and Violence’ initiative where, after sidestepping a queue of

acne-scarred locals in tracksuits and baseball caps, we were granted an audience with the man

in charge, Dr. Snood Enfilade (left).

“The intent here is to bribe the less pleasant elements of this neighbourhood so that they stop

having kids.” Snood told us solemnly inside his surgery. “The idea comes from some

God-botherers in the American mid-West, and we’ve translated their initiative to the English

heartland. Around here the problem is less meth addicts and more anti-social behaviour in

general, much of it perpetrated by Neds, pikeys, and fans of Burberry in general.”

Dr. Enfilade went on. “What we hope to achieve, through leafleting underclass areas, tabloid advertising, and going round ghettoes wielding megaphones, is to convince the less desirable elements of the suburbs that we have plenty of free cash available. All they need to do is consent to one little snip or tube-tie and prevent their numbers from increasing, then they’ll be swimming in readies.”

“Of course,” A frowning Dr. Enfilade confided, “We’ve only been granted a limited amount of

money, much of it from those who are nauseated by the poor, including rich

philanthropists, Tory lords and Michael Winner. What we do is bulk-buy crap, then offer the

‘patients’ you saw in the waiting room rewards in return for getting themselves sterilized. This

saves us money, and the rewards could be anything from fake designer gear to England

memorabilia or cartons of Lambert & Butler. “

“Since our attempts to teach these chavs and chavettes about contraception or birth control

generally falls on gormless ears, this seemed like the only way. I confirmed it in my recent

address to the House of Commons which went down a storm. On a good day I can remove

the ability to breed from a hundred men and women, but we’re not monsters here. Patients

have to undergo rigorous Chav-testing before they’re subjected to chemical castration and

get a chance to earn the big prizes.”

When Home Defence asked what form this ‘testing’ took the good doctor looked at us askance and responded huffily that: “You can tell just by looking at them.”

HDUK was then ushered out of the Mobile Operating Theatre as a dog fight broke out between

two bull mastiffs whose owners were queuing to undergo the procedure. We noticed on our way

out that, ironically, the canines attempting to rip each other apart hadn’t been spayed.

The scheme is being rolled out nationwide by the coalition’s new ‘Behavioural Alteration and

Human Eugenics Team’, a joint psychological / medical implementation unit based in Whitehall

which has been charged with “altering social norms” and finding intelligent ways to change

habits while dealing with the overall population problem. The department is headed up by Vince

Cable as punishment for recent transgressions, and it is expected to yield results over the

coming years, meaning those at the bottom of the social scale know their place once more.

Surgical procedures and bribery are just part of the range of services offered, all intended to get

those on less than 15k politely doffing their hats like back in the old days. The team will also

ensure only humans with actual jobs, however menial, can inhabit the British Isles within a

generation’s time.

To that end an initiative originally implemented by Barbara Harris (right) at ‘Project Prevention’

in North Carolina has now successfully travelled across the pond. Jesus-loving nutjob Harris

originally offered $300 a pop for the neutering of ‘trash’ including drug addicts, those of a low IQ

and heathens in general. Here in England the set-up focusses elsewhere, and intends to replace

the hand-outs with gifts and favours. These currently include a fleet of old Novas, lifetime passes

to MacDonalds, a bucket of heavy bling, and box sets of The Only Way Is Essex.

“It’s about time we tackled this blight on our landscape and said the unsayable; they’re not fit to be parents! Convincing these people to take the precaution of being desexed, as it were, is the only way forward.” Conservative MP Hickle Mammon opines in an interview with tomorrow’s Daily Telegraph, going on to state: “Thanks to the right-wing achieving power, we can now implement strict yet arbitrary controls over who comes to live in this country. Officially they have to be ‘sartorially appropriate’ and able to sing every verse of ‘God Save The Queen’ from memory. That’s a good start, tests can keep out penniless foreigners who are attempting to flee persecution and death. But what this government has so far been unable to address is the more innate issue; how to eliminate negative characteristics among indigent commoners.”

“They’re everywhere,” Mr. Mammon (left) went on. “It’s like a biblical plague of locusts. Only

instead of wings and huge mandibles, they’ve got white trainers and sovereign rings. These

chavs have despoiled our once green and pleasant land and only vote randomly, if at all.

Certainly not for my party anyway. We’ve identified this as a huge problem which Britain can no

longer afford, and I applaud Mr. Cameron for being open-minded enough to offer the carrot

option. If these people are willing to let themselves be neutered, they could receive reduced

prison sentences or time off their first stretch of community service. That way everybody wins.”

“After all,” The MP concluded. “We do this to other lower life-forms, like gerbils or cats. Why not apply it to those beneath us on a human level?”

Although public response to the initiative has been overwhelmingly positive, a couple of dissenting

voices have been trying to make themselves heard, attempting to rally support via social

networking sites to protest on Parliament and calling the plans ‘fascist’, ‘Nazi’ or ‘Hitlerian’. The

response from Unions, students, and left-wingers in general to this coming injustice has been

somewhat mooted, apparently because there is little sympathy for Chavs, either within society

at large, or amongst their own kind.

In the end a planned march against the proposals was called off when the only ones to turn up

were a visibly confused Tony Benn and the bloke out of The Streets.