To Uttoxeter in Staffordshire, where the discovery of a sixth body in as many weeks and the subsequent arrest of
the chief suspect, a man happened upon while attempting to dig a shallow grave for his final victim, has led to a
scandal raising questions about the length job centre employees will go to get the unemployed off benefits and back into work.
“Early indications seem to be that the dead men, all of them middle-aged, out of work and desperate, were made to apply for an online job that was actually a front for murderous intent. Each victim was subsequently told he would lose his dole money if he failed to put his life at risk in this way.” A police representative told the media earlier.
“I suppose that’s one way of bringing the unemployment figures down!” The copper joked, to much ribald laughter from his audience. “But seriously, me and the lads would have
appreciated it if the local labour exchange could have mentioned that jobseeker after jobseeker was failing to get back in contact, after they were sent to a patch of isolated
farmland owned by a homicidal maniac. It would have totally helped our investigation.”
Indeed, many maintain the Department of Work and Pensions staff member involved should now be held to account. They ask whether it occurred to him, on seeing missing
persons posters proliferating around Uttoxeter, all depicting men whose applications for a non-existent caretaker role he oversaw, that something untoward may have
happened. However the anonymous man’s line manager, one Blurt Fantod, thinks different.
“There’s a lot of pressure on my staff. We have impossible targets, set by a government who, let’s be honest, don’t know anything about
getting real people into work.” Fantod (above) told Home Defence. “Yes, my employee sent half a dozen divorcees to a horrible death by blunt force trauma, but people shouldn’t
worry. He’ll be disciplined in some shape or form. Maybe I’ll limit the amount of leave he can carry over into 2015, I’ve not decided yet. We must bear in mind however, this young
man was simply doing his job.”
“The fellow told me himself, he said they couldn’t all be successful in their application for that promising position, but it got numbers off the books when they failed to get back in
touch – something I’d been told by the DWP to encourage. And yes, the staff ought to have passed these incidents up the chain for investigation, or told the authorities about that
advertisement detailing work ‘in an isolated caravan far from any mobile reception – please bring all your belongings with you in a car and any life savings you may have’. But apparently my staff member was powerless to resist the gleam of hope that appears in the eyes of an unemployed when shown something they're actually qualified for.”
“Sadly it was only manual labour, and even that turned out to be less of a work opportunity and more a chance to die violently.” Blurt went on. “But everyone at this branch should be
apportioned only limited blame. They get so depressed at sanctioning locals for missing an hour in the office, or applying for seven jobs they haven’t a hope of getting rather than the
required ten, we’re all losing the will. I’m surprised any of them manage to haul their sorry arses in day after day if I’m honest.”
But Secretary of State for Work and Pensions Iain Duncan Smith (left) had a different take on events:
“Obviously it’s a terrible tragedy and the government will do everything it can to ensure nothing like this happens again,” IDS told parliament sincerely. “But at least the poor men were put out of their misery quickly, rather than sinking into years of depression and costing the NHS a fortune to medicate the suicidal feelings that tend to come for anyone who can’t join the fantastic ranks of hardworking hardworkers in our booming economy.”
“We must also remember one other thing,” Smith went on. “Vagrants go missing every day, and nobody could care less. The police don’t even bother investigating the cause of death for
the most part. What happened here has got to be better than a long, slow death from starvation because you’re too proud to visit a food bank, which are only popular because the media
keep writing about how terrific they are, by the way! End this publicity and the need will go away too - I have faith in that.”
“I don’t care what the Archbishop of Canterbury says,” The millionaire cabinet minister went on, to boos from the opposition. “When I look out the window at my father-in-law’s lavish
country pile every morning, I don’t see suffering, and nor does my wife. As falling unemployment figures testify, which aren’t entirely down to zero-hours contracts or premature death I’ll
have you know, the Chancellor’s economic plan is working - working! I might even have to give this particular office a congratulatory visit in person. They’d like that.”
But the sister of final victim Anton Soubrette was vocal in her condemnation of Duncan Smith, a woman who had never shown any interest in her sibling back when he was alive, to the
extent she often refused him a bed for the night. Now Sobstory tells the Daily Express:
“It’s not right. There should be a full inquest into what went wrong.” Adding, “there have been systematic failures in the hierarchy that sent my much-loved brother into an obviously dodgy
situation. I don’t care if this investigation drags on for years and costs the taxpayer a fortune; I’ve plenty of time to wait for something good to come out of this tragic case – massive
publicity for me.”
Meanwhile Bob Trunk, the mass murderer responsible for the deaths of Mr Soubrette and five others is expected to stand trial next year, having changed
his plea twice, from an initial ‘innocent, even in the face of overwhelming forensic / witness evidence’ to faked remorse and, on learning of the
circumstances in which his victims were referred, finally settling on something very different.
“Me and the lawyer are gonna pretend I was conducting a valuable public service, getting out of work dossers off the dole.” Mr Trunk told HDUK hopefully. “That’ll help ‘em recognise I
only wanted to help George Osborne by gettin’ rid of a few skivers in me own modest way. We reckon the judge and jury will buy it and give me a little sentence, a few years or something.”
Bob (right) went on: “I may be a greedy, vicious, multiple murderer, but a lot less people have died at my hands than because of benefit sanctions.”
