And following more violent misbehaviour from dogs belonging to the Princess Royal (Captain Anne
Phillips-Laurence-Windsor H.R.H.), the Queen has taken the unprecedented step of ordering her errant
daughter be put to sleep by lethal injection.
"I could see this coming a mile off." Noted one Royal Courtier, who also moonlights as a columnist for The Daily Sport. "Anne's never been able to keep her Bull Terriers under control and it was becoming an embarrassment to the guv'nor. That criminal record 'cause of lettin' 'em loose on sweet little kiddies were bad enough, but after the Christmas carnage at 'er Majesty's 'ousehold I knew drastic action'd have to be taken. Mind you, I didn't fink Liz would go so far as to execute her own kin, but I s'pose she is the Queen, she can do what she wants. S'not as if the head's never put one of 'er own family to death before. Annie ought to think 'erself lucky she ain't gonna be beheaded or walled up alive. Hur hur."
That carnage he mentions occurred over the festive period when Anne's dog 'Florence' maimed one of the Queen's lovely little corgis so badly that 'Pharos' had to be put out of her misery by the in-palace veterinarian. Queen Elizabeth was said to be inconsolable about her ickle doggy that, just weeks before, had welcomed the England rugby lads with open paws. This tragedy took the gloss off the artistic victory that was Lizzie's 2003 speech which incorporated tanks, explosions, dancing ethnic minorities and a right old sing-song. As a result the Queen's one-woman show was her biggest ratings triumph in years, easing the pressure on a royal who TV bosses were threatening to axe if she "couldn't do the biz".
Initially the idea of killing her own child, first formulated as a 'joke' by a number of advisors, was rejected by the distraught dog owner. But when Florence followed up the corgi murder by biting a defenceless maid on the knee, the Queen was said to be left with no choice. After much soul-searching Her Majesty agreed to have Anne put down, an order accompanied by much cheering from Palace staff.
Meanwhile the terrier has been spared and sent to a retraining camp for dysfunctional royal dogs in Switzerland where Florence will receive therapy before returning to Windsor castle. While this occurs, Anne will say goodbye to her horses and family as she readies herself for death.
"The British are a nation of animal lovers and there'd have been a terrible backlash had we put the dog down."
Confirmed a palace spokeman in a verbal statement delivered yesterday morning. "However, we can't be seen
to do nothing about these incidents. In the interests of justice the Queen needs someone to pay for this
horrible crime, particularly after the culprit was wrongly named as Dotty the bull terrier in the national press.
Dotty's lawyers have since gained their dog a formal apology, but to put things right long-term we must act.
When Her Majesty first heard about the maid she decided to blame the owner and exact punishment on Anne
herself. Initially the manner of death was to be the same one our Queen uses for injured pheasants; she
would wring Anne's neck with her bare hands. But in the interests of P.R. Her Majesty was eventually
convinced to leave this execution up to the experts."
Since the announcement was made the Princess Royal has refused to appear in public, optimistically waiting for a public outcry which has so far failed to materialise. Indeed, it's been an awfully long time since 'It's A Royal Knockout' brought Anne's unpleasantly equine features into the households of the peasants. Nowadays few British citizens know who she is, while even the Princess Royal's employees have no idea what Anne does all day.
One person who has been visibly shaken by the news is her life partner, 'Commodore' Tim Laurence. He consented to appear before the massed mobs of reporters and deliver a heartfelt plea.
"She was once, twice, three times a lady." Sobbed the cosseted military type, looking pale and drawn. "I don't see why my Annie should pay for the crimes of her pets. I know everyone loves a good procession. I'll probably enjoy the funeral cortege as much as anyone, but there's going to be a big gap in my life without her."
At this point a journalist from Heat magazine reminded Laurence that after the Princess was gone he'd be free to spend his life with someone who didn't resemble Shergar, a fact which seemed to cheer Tim up no end.
