Clarence House, an official London residence of the 57 year old royal and first in line
to the throne, Prince Charles. It was here today, in a shocking turn of events, that
the Queen and her Labour government joined forces to deport her eldest son to the
island of Cuba after realising he was guilty of political extremism, and a growing threat to the established order.
“Queen Elizabeth has grown increasingly intolerant of the gaffes, unpopularity, and general uselessness of the
first fruit of her loins, a man who is due to accede to the throne when she pegs out at some point over the next decade.” Royal expert Jenna Vassal told Home Defence outside Heathrow Airport as, somewhere within, Charles was bundled onto
a secret flight headed directly for Havana. “For a long time Elizabeth has been concerned the Prince Royal
does not possess the requisite levels of grace and competence to rule over an increasingly republican British
populace, and when his diaries began to leak to the Mail on Sunday, this only reinforced her views. That paper
published embarrassing excerpts in which Charles called Chinese Communist leaders “appalling old
waxworks”, attacked his serfs for their insubordination, and mused about Camilla looking like a shrew in the
morning. These were widely seen as the last straw for his mother.”
Over the decades public willingness to conceive that Charles will one day become king has consistently eroded
due to his stance against popular opinion, symptoms of which include an incessant condemnation of modern
architecture because it doesn’t please his eye, support for the charlatanism of homeopathy, a longing for the days of oppression and brutality characterised by a lost British Empire, and his tendency to have a conversation with his garden. Charles is quoted in the latter instance as saying: “I just come and talk to the plants. They respond I find.”
Yet it was the Prince’s recent identification of himself as a modern-day English dissident, condemning (among other things), biotechnology, tall buildings, and the Labour party, that led directly to this sudden, midnight exile.
“Charlie sees himself as some kind of anti-authority rebel, working against the prevailing political
consensus - very much in the lineage of your George Galloways or James Deans.” Nodded the
Prince’s former media advisor Mark Boland during an interview with Davina McCall. “That’s a bit rich
when you’re expected to rule over millions of people as their unelected superior. During the last few
months the Prince’s behaviour has annoyed not only his mother, who expects him to remain a
non-partisan head-of-state in waiting, but the government too, who were irritated by his support for
‘Diddy’ David Cameron. Meanwhile Charles’ self-aggrandisement as a leading promoter of national
traditions, virtues, excellence, and the Countryside Alliance, has conflicted directly with John
‘Gash-hound’ Prescott’s complete ignorance of excellence and drive to build on the green belt.
Private discussions between the Queen and Tony Blair concluded that the Prince’s ridiculousness
would only get worse should he mount the throne. In fact, Liz and Tone quickly realised that neither of them wanted to see this happen. So, over Prince Phillip’s objections, the decision was taken to send Charles far, far away, never to come back.”
Charles Phillip George Arthur George Lady Mountbatten-Windsor was a son and heir, born to the recently crowned Queen Elizabeth II and her German bit of stuff during the post-war years. He went on to become the first member of the Royal Family to gain a degree, somehow managing a 2.2 in history which any intelligent person would have been disappointed with. Charles’ exploits have since been undercut by England’s taxpaying peasants, allowing the Prince to amass the estate of Highgrove, Balmoral Castle, and a small village in Dorset which he uses to put his crackpot town planning theories into practice. The Prince lists his dislikes as
progress, GM food, and people not knowing their place. Indeed, it is this stance against what Charles calls ‘social
utopianism’; the modern belief that anyone can become a celebrity without actually achieving anything, which may
have led to his downfall. Not realising the irony in his words, the Prince has repeatedly lambasted those who believe
they can be famous but do not possess the merit to back it up. This opinion left the Prince’s London residence
besieged by thousands of Heat readers, all picketing the Royal family and demanding a public apology, a behest
that was subsequently refused, displeasing his mother even further and, some say, resulting in the controversial
“The Prince has now left this country to inhabit a land where his unique opinions and tendency to engage in
philosophical guerrilla warfare will be more widely respected.” Royal Equerry Tristan Spankhurst-Whelk told a
raucous Press Conference this morning. “As for myself, I will shortly board a plane to join my master on an island to
the south of the United States for an indefinite period. I believe this place is called ‘Cuba’. Once there, I intend to
serve the Prince as he continues to drop ‘idea bombs’ directly into the British consciousness via his contacts at the Daily Telegraph. Although Charles has given up on the possibility of becoming King for now, faced as he is with the threat of prison followed by public beheading should he return to these shores, he remains upbeat. In fact, the Prince hopes to gain martyr status over the years to come, much like his obvious South American precursor, Che Guevara.”
When asked what Charles and his new host, Fidel Castro, could possibly have in common ideologically,
Spankhurst-Whelk said:
“You’d be surprised gentlemen. The two are more similar than anyone could have expected. Both are
recognised revolutionaries, aligning themselves firmly against the Blair-Bush manner of ruling the world. Neither
believes age should be a drawback to the running of their respective fiefdoms, and they both have a tendency to
make really long speeches. It wouldn’t surprise me if the Prince was enjoying a gargantuan cigar in Fidel’s
mansion right now.”
Charles’ sons are said to be entirely non-plussed by this career change of their father’s, caring little about his
decision to lead the life of an expatriated resistance fighter, although they are pleased to have found another
location for regular, state-paid holidays. Indeed, Harry is rumoured to be particularly keen on sampling Havana’s prostitutes, whores Castro recently acclaimed as “the finest in the world”.
