To Dartmouth Park in London’s fashionable North London, where Home
Defence comes this twilit eve to spy on the homes of the affluent and
famous, including Thatcher-desecrating MP Glenda Jackson and author Julian Barnes. Before long it becomes apparent that, even as nannies and
au pairs toil in illuminated parlours along much of this street, one building in particular remains swathed by darkness.
“It’s been that way for weeks.” Milliband neighbour Nocturn Planker told HDUK. “Ever since Ed announced Labour would freeze energy bills for
twenty months if they won the 2015 General Election, the lights have been out at number forty-two.”
“When it started my wife saw Justine [Milliband] down the Fresh N’ Wild. She said it was a problem with their direct debit and the family
would be switching providers soon. Cheryl thought the story sounded fishy, even then.”
“Now we know better and some of the residents are getting concerned.” Nocturn went on. “If this area gets a reputation for upsetting
energy companies, to the extent we can’t get a regular supply of juice to our Agas, the effect on house prices could be disastrous. Ed
really needs to rethink his policy.”
In fact, it has now been confirmed that the cut off in supply was no coincidence, but the latest in a series of salvos from the
so-called ‘big six’ energy providers, including German-owned E.ON as well as EDF and NPower of France. The latter of these
has now ceased to supply electricity to the Milliband residence “until further notice”, amounting to an escalation in what was
previously a war of words that saw Centrica, the parent company of British Gas, claiming any reduction in its multi-billion
profits would lead to an absence of vaguely-defined ‘investment’, power shortages, and the subsequent breakdown of UK society.
Meanwhile, Spanish-owned Scottish Power today ran a Powerpoint presentation for the House of Commons, demonstrating how
any halt in regular rises to household bills would mean Brits having to abandon their residences by 2020 and live in aluminium shacks, poorly-lit caves or under the ground like troggies.
But many within the Labour party have dismissed these claims as ‘ridiculous scaremongering’, inspiring the six multinationals to strike back with a press release blaming “rampant socialism” for the young Milliband children having to huddle up in blankets all day because there’s no heat. The memo also claims that Ed’s house represents the future for all citizens under the opposition’s “anti-business” policies, and if Milliband thinks he can get round it without changing his pledge “he’s got
another think coming”. The utility companies end by claiming Britain’s oil and candle manufacturers are on board with their
boycott, so there’s no obvious way out for the opposition leader.
The press subsequently laid into the Millibands for jeopardising their eyesight and leaving the children without Horrible Histories,
while Daily Mail columnist Billy Antisemite demanded the Labour man give in. In a recent piece, Antisemite claimed a clampdown
on amoral profiteering by big business is “not what British government is about”, and that effective opposition couldn’t be maintained
“when you’ve only got a few hours of gloomy daylight each afternoon”. Billy finished the piece by reiterating that Ed hates Britain,
capitalism, religion, money and, presumably, life itself.
