To City Hall, where today Mayor Boris Johnson gave a speech before the London
Assembly to explain the processes he has set in motion for financing the city’s
Olympics extravaganza. These unprecedented schemes have seen jobseekers, docile
prisoners and ardent left-wingers from around England’s capital shipped out to the
East End to provide cheap labour and a renewable workforce for the many 2012
“This may seem like a piffly out-of-the-box bit of blue sky thinking.” A visibly flustered Johnson told
politicians while running a hand through his blonde mop. “But my proposal is to take men, or ‘resources’
as we’re calling them, away from their homes and families until the Spring of 2012, then force them to do
lots of heavy lifting. After all, these people need focus. My administration promises every sequestered
worker will be given a roof over his head and food in his um, belly, during this time. In return we just need
these fellows to do eighteen hour days, seven days a week for the next thirty-eight months.”
“I mean, hosting the Olympics is nice, we were lucky to get them I suppose.” Johnson continued. “But
crikey it’s expensive! I know lots of working class chappies are out there looking for jobs, so we’ve
prioritised British voters with this thing. I mean workers, British workers. There’ll be no foreigners on my
site! London jobs for local Johnnies! And at no additional cost to the taxpayer! Let’s win those hearts and
The Mayor was then applauded off-stage by Conservative members of the Assembly before attempting to leave the auditorium via a fire exit and setting off several alarms.
The Olympic Games will comprise two weeks of exciting sport such as curling and equestrian and is
expected to cost the UK £9.3 billion pounds, although this figure rises by the day. Dozens of new stadia
and athletics tracks are still to be constructed around the Stratford area of East London, as private companies
pull out of building residences that were supposed to fund the projects in the wake of the credit crunch.
Indeed, Mayor Johnson has been left with a half billion shortfall, and once this enormous loss was identified
Boris demanded those of his deputies who hadn’t resigned to come together and ‘brainstorm like crazy’. The
solution they settled on was both radical and yet somehow in character with the outlook of Johnson’s
administration.
“We’ve identified the savings that need to be made and these will come from laying off 90% of the paid
workforce.” The Mayor’s newly appointed Deputy for HR (or ‘Slavery Tsar’ as the tabloids have dubbed him)
Lance Cumberbatch told Hold Defence. “Ideally we wouldn't force people to come out here and
build velodromes or fencing arenas, but with the fallout from toxic investment and plummeting land prices
we’ve had no choice. In the face of rising unemployment the Conservative boroughs have agreed to serve
notice on their male jobless, and these men will soon be woken at dawn, forced into the back of cattle
trucks and taken out to the Olympic Village. Once there they'll be worked hard while the government
pays any Jobseeker’s Allowance to the next of kin. These layabouts get something
useful with which to occupy their time, as well as the chance to participate in the
greatest sporting event this nation has ever seen. They ought to be happy.”
When HDUK visited the site earlier this afternoon we found a hive of activity. Hundreds of shirtless men, all of
them newly forced into servitude, toiled over the massive infrastructure programmes that come with these
games. We saw scores of sweaty serfs pulling massive concrete blocks on rollers to make bridges, while
others breathed in clouds of hot tarmac as they laid roads and some hefted bricks into place for the East
End’s first handball arena.
Seeing HDUK, a number of workers began to yell for us to get word to families
that they were still alive. These men were quickly silenced by their supervisors,
a group of baton-wielding men in sunglasses who threatened to whip the workforce until they shut up.
Johnson’s initiative is proving so successful that the Mayor has now put out a call to Tory boroughs
across the country, asking for more manpower to be drawn directly from
the feckless youth and criminal classes, along with those who refuse to
vote for David Cameron at the next election. Relatives are deliberately
being kept in the dark about the location of their loved ones until the games begin; the menfolk taken to
London under the terms of extraordinary rendition and assimilated into massive ‘peoples’ communes’.
These converted factories will form their living quarters while individuals are put to work on tasks 'dedicated
to promoting the glory of Britain’.
Early reaction among the chattering classes and ruling elite has largely
been in favour of this ‘great leap forward’ as Lance Cumberbatch calls it.
But some dissenters on the left point out that, mere days after Boris’s ‘new
deal’ got underway, some two dozen men had already been injured doing
tasks for which they weren’t trained including the digging out of
swimming pools and trying to produce steel from scrap metal.
As Home Defence went to press Mayor Johnson could be heard in the
distance, laughing off suggestions that legal claims from injured workers
and bereaved families could top £500 million pounds. Instead the capital’s
most powerful man concentrated on plans for the opening ceremony, a gala
show that will reportedly feature Boris held aloft by a group of Amazonian
tribesmen before he is paraded through the Olympic Village on a
specially-reinforced throne.
