Newcastle-Upon-Tyne, and a community trying to come to terms with the recent discovery of illicit activities
involving its two favourite, most successful sons, Anthony ‘PJ’ McPartlin and Declan ‘Duncan’ Donelly. Earlier
this week the nation watched in horror as reports claimed two bodies found in a burnt-out car near Gateshead
were the errant TV presenters and stars of 2006’s cinematic excrescence ‘Alien Autopsy’. However, by the time
Home Defence arrived in town to report on this tragedy, the authorities were telling a very different story.
“At first we believed the corpses to be those of Donnelly and McPartlin.” Detective Inspector Lackey
Wigslick, the officer in charge of the investigation, told us. “Their recent problems led us to conclude this
was some kind of suicide pact between the pair, a hypothesis borne out by the note we found in their
shared bungalow stating they felt “trapped” by the criminal charges mounting against them and “could only
see one way out”. We were supposed to think these cadavers were the dead stars, then let the matter
rest, but right from the outset I had my concerns.”
Indeed, when a forensic pathologist came to examine the bodies, he found their faces had been mutilated
prior to the fire, and following an enormous insurance claim from the estates of Anthony and Declan,
attempting to apply for money against each other’s deaths, Wigslick’s
“I ordered a DNA test and it came back negative. These weren’t the cheeky Saturday night telly chappies,
but two homeless drifters from the North-East of England with criminal records as long as a giant’s shin!”
Investigations into the hosts of much-loved programmes such as ‘Friends Like These’ and ‘Britain’s Got
Talent’ began by focussing on the financial and voting irregularities with regard to shows made by their
production company, Gallowgate. Initial rebuttals from those close to the duo were unconvincing, claiming Ant & Dec’s role as
‘Executive Producers’ at the organisation was purely a vanity title, and that Donnelly and McPartlin “didn’t
actually understand the job” and “were simply too thick to be anything other than completely innocent”.
The Crown Prosecution Service didn’t agree, citing evidence proving the pair’s moronic on-screen guise
was very far from the truth. These were actually two ruthless businessmen, deliberately setting out to
defraud unsuspecting viewers of millions through rigged phone-ins and dodgy quizzes on their ‘Gameshow
Marathon’ and ‘Saturday Night Takeaway’ shows. The latter first raised questions when auditors Deloitte
uncovered proof that the bovine, dumbass audience ringing in to win each week
were being duped. Behind the scenes Ant and Dec were filtering out the least
photogenic contestants and those too far away from their roving camera crew, giving the official explanation
such people “lived in the wrong area” (council estates), didn’t “sound lively” (obese) or “wouldn’t look good
on screen” (mingers).
Following the compilation of a dossier by OFCOM on compliance failures and general naughtiness, the decision
to prosecute was taken last month, with Ant & Dec reported to be assembling a top class legal team for their
day in court and generally “getting ready to rumble”. But preparations for the trial were halted after the discovery
of a gutted Vauxhall Nova, and since then the revelations have been coming thick and fast.
“These gentlemen hatched a scheme to escape the prison time they indubitably deserve and earn enough
money to set them up for the rest of their days.” DI Wigslick told a packed press conference this morning. “We
believe Anthony and Declan intended to emigrate somewhere hot with the proceeds
from their insurance scam. When we raided their bungalow we found a number of
brochures for places like Melbourne and Marrakesh and I can also reveal that they
sleep in the same bed like Bert and Ernie. A more thorough search of the
property is currently underway, and we expect to announce further findings in two paragraphs’ time.”
Donnelly and McPartlin first came to the nation’s attention as pre-pubescents, playing silly Geordie
scallywags PJ and Duncan in groundbreaking social realist drama ‘Byker Grove’. Their glittering dual
career quickly took off, the duo Brit Award nominated for seminal songs like ‘Our Radio Rocks’ and
official World Cup 2002 anthem ‘We’re On The Ball’ before agreeing to present popular TV shows from
‘CD:UK’ to ‘Pop Idol’ as well as unfeasibly popular reality bilge ‘I’m A Celebrity… Get This Out Of Me!’ The
pressures of such a heavy workload, combined with their misguided attempts to break into the world of
serious acting, and the fact that they’re in each other’s company 24/7, provides some explanation for their
skewed ideas of what society deems permissible.
“It started to get strange after Dec had his accident.” Friend of the pair and amateur
psychologist, Tawny Wankel told HDUK, referring to the incident where Donnelly tried
to drive a motorbike through a ring of fire for ‘Saturday Night Takeaway’ but was unable
to understand the throttle, fell off and landed on his head. “Ant tenderly nursed Declan
back to health, but after that Dec believed he was invincible and the rule of law didn’t
apply to them anymore. They became arrogant and reclusive, and I didn’t see much of them after that. Ant said
they were ‘too busy for girls’.”
Perhaps this was when the 32 year olds really went off the rails, beginning
work on what police, who located a trapdoor in their bungalow leading to a
secret room while you were reading that last bit, describe as “an
underground laboratory-cum-dungeon”. In it officers found internal organs
growing in jars and a large canvas of human skin, leading detectives to
speculate the pair were attempting to get around the problem of imperfect
game show contestants by growing their own.
“Think about it.” Wigslick told shocked reporters with a grin. “If they had their own creations, fresh from this
‘Frankenstein lab’ we’ve uncovered, there would be no need to sift through members of the public anymore.
The phone line money could go directly into their bank accounts, then Ant & Dec wheel out their ‘perfect’
contestant for the studio audience, a genetically engineered and brain-altered monster who would laugh at
McPartlin’s jokes and gaze adoringly in the direction of Donnelly. They must have been half-crazed with power
to believe they could assemble a whole panel of these things without anyone noticing, and where they
thought the brains were going to come from is anybody’s guess.”
At the time of reporting Ant & Dec remain at large and are said
to be both annoying and highly dangerous. Meanwhile the police investigation into
their crimes is hindered by the detectives in charge being unable to tell which is
which. For as long as this search continues the public are urged not to approach
either of the former TV favourites who have already killed at least twice, nor should
they take part in any impromptu competitions or raffles the pair may decide to
