To Britain where, in recent months, an unprecedented series of global warming-inspired storms have brought havoc to the
country, rappelling through districts where real, salt-of-the-earth, non-Metropolitan people live. This inclement weather has led to
vast swaths of Scotland and the north of England being comprehensively screwed, last month and over the previous year, one
that saw hurricanes with offensively twee names like Clodagh, Barney or Desmond attack our islands like the minions of a pissed
off sky-God.
More recently we witnessed the daddy of them all, striking in the manner of an abusive father who bursts
in after a night out on the lash. Storm ‘Frank’ collapsed bridges in Balmoral and Tadcaster, tried to drown our noble canoeists, created rivers
where rivers really shouldn’t be and flooded countless homes across York, Leeds and Aberdeenshire. This ‘once in a hundred years’ event
(at least until the next one) cost insurance companies hundreds of millions and required a multi-billion pound clean-up operation. Here,
residents banded together, rescuing locals flooded from their homes, sandbagging collapsed sea walls and jeering the news media when
they trailed visiting politicians. As one resident told us: “They arrive here with their fancy London ways, film some minister wandering about in
designer wellies saying ‘jolly good show’, summarise our struggles against the elements once, then forget all about us. Meanwhile everyone
I know still lives underwater like so many depressed fish.”
Yes, this surfeit of weather-related tragedy has overwhelmed many, but at least the storms were over relatively quickly, with coldness or mild-for-the-time-of-year air pushing
through afterwards to confuse everyone. Indeed, Frank’s transient devastation is as nothing when set against the gale-force ideology of a system that's bashed the UK people
for almost six years now, a lingering mess of destruction that experts have dubbed ‘Diddy Dave’.
“It’s strange for a political weather system to stick around this long, wreaking constant, grinding horror. Usually they just commit a load of short-term
damage then get voted out of office.” Meteorologist and British expert in wave-current interaction, Rafe Chunderblender (right), told Home Defence at the
University of Political Weather in High Wycombe. “Hurricane Diddy is one of those rare earth-bound entities that will linger for a full decade, much longer
than we expected. Our modelling anticipates Diddy Dave will only cease his devastating action in 2020. Until then, we’ll remain familiar with his pink,
closely-packed flesh-isobars. Diddy shall remain a regular fixture of the nation’s climate until the storm moves away from areas of high-population density, ending up somewhere like Chipping
Norton, where it will steadily diminish in power and importance before being forgotten entirely.”
“Of course, this is bad news for anyone hoping for relief from Hurricane Diddy’s tendency to use his monumental power against the most vulnerable in society.” Rafe went on. “Spare a thought for the poor and weak who exist out on the fringes. They’re most at risk of ‘reaping this whirlwind’. As for the reasons behind the unprecedented event, I put it down to the effects of severe climate change, as well as terminal foolishness from 24% of the electorate.”
Hurricane Diddy rose to prominence as a rightward-leaning pressure front whipping in from the English Channel towards the Thames in 2010.
This system moved out centripetally from the middle of Westminster to take aim at Britain’s infrastructure and, as the storm expanded,
it destroyed flood defences, England’s final deep coal mine, countless libraries, the entire Sure Start initiative, vital mental health services and
billions in much-needed welfare payments for the desperate, leaving entire communities ravaged by its gaseous winds and unforgiving ideology.
While the storm was originally held in check by brave but forgotten ‘twister tamer’ Nick Clegg, after five years Hurricane
Diddy broke free from its mooring. This weather event then proceeded to suck in the broken corpses of hundreds of
benefit-sanctioned disabled, target queues of the starving poor outside food banks and trap a litter of unfortunate piglets. It also decimated what remained of Britain’s social housing
infrastructure, leading to the extinction of what we once called ‘council housing’ across central London. This means hundreds of families from the south-east must now brave ill winds and
unprecedented rainfall, trekking north in search of homes to rent. HDUK has been told the only properties they will be able to afford on arriving are partially submerged but – hey! – if you
look beyond the two feet of murky water in the parlour it’s a bargain, am I right?
“It was unexpected that a weather system like this could reduce a country’s state spending from 45% of GDP to 35%, which is what Hurricane Diddy has somehow achieved.” Rafe
Chunderblender told us. “During Dave’s time on the horizon homelessness has leapt, pay stagnated, job insecurity rocketed and suicide rates have soared. We expect Hurricane
Dave’s continued presence to lead to more problems through the years to come, as us Brits remain powerless in the face of this horrific catastrophe. We will
see a wave of strikes through every part of the public sector, from Junior Doctors to train drivers, with some even whispering of a worst-case scenario
whereby England is blown away from the European Union entirely, with continental drift subsequently separating us from Scotland, once and for all.”
“While those on low and middle incomes are thrown this way and that by Diddy’s unforgiving economic gales, many citizens have taken solace in the fact
that Hurricane Dave cannot rule our lives forever.” Rafe noted ruefully. “Unfortunately, the Institute of Political Weather predicts things will only get worse
for ordinary folk, as we continue to burn fossil fuels and prioritise bombing people we think are ISIS over fixing the storm damage back home.”
“Then comes the worst part,” Rafe shuddered. “Current meteorological calculations suggest that, after Hurricane Diddy finally disappears, there will be little opportunity to catch our
collective breath. Instead, we expect to see another harsh front move in immediately, one that is even less forgiving. Yes, Hurricane Gideon is set to make everything much, much
worse.”
