The British seat of government, where today the second reading of a controversial new bill has taken place.
This legislation is aimed at tackling the perception, frequently raised by hysterical newspaper headlines and
hand-wringing editorials, that teenage girls in the UK have become more corrupt in recent years; responsible
for the increased ossification of western society by giving in to their natural, mammalian urges far
As the bill’s author Conservative MP Nadine Dorries (left), a practising Catholic who has previously campaigned for the banning of
high heels in the workplace and compulsory counselling for any woman who wants an abortion, puts it:
“What’s absolutely clear to me is that boys are not to blame for this epidemic of early knocking ups. Lads remain at the mercy of their
hormones so we can’t do anything for them. Young girls, however, are a different story. Nature has made the female gender purer and more
susceptible, and they can be most easily influenced by those of us who think half the population should be ashamed of their sexuality. At least
before they get married.”
“But sometimes it feels as if we’re fighting a losing battle,” Mrs. Dorries went on. “What with the
liberal education system, these girls’ stupid, poor parents, and a society that makes them want to
think dirty thoughts about sweaty, oiled up boy bands or Robert Pattinson with his shirt off. That’s why my bill ensures these
naïve whores take in certain lifestyle stances and memorable catchphrases I will be repeatedly drumming into their thick
heads. They must learn to say ‘no’, and we’ll also be teaching girls how to feel embarrassed and remorseful after giving in to
incessant sexual pressure from schoolboys, greasers on motorbikes or the neighbourhood molester.”
“You can’t even enter a classroom these days without being forced to watch a bunch of ten year olds putting condoms on
bananas.” Nadine concluded. “Always with the condoms and bananas. Bananas and condoms everywhere; everywhere I look.”
The legislation has been drafted by Dorries and backed by her fellow Conservatives and it will see the
children of families in low income brackets monitored by social workers and doctors around the clock. Once these ‘daughters at risk’ are seen
to have entered puberty, they will be implanted with a special ‘testosterone sensitive’ device that pulses whenever a boy gets too close. An
electronic signal is then transmitted to one of the specially-built ‘virginity enforcement centres' which will alert the authorities of the need to
stage an intervention in order to prevent the possibility of penetrative sex.
However, these safeguards aren’t foolproof. In situations where morality agencies become aware females are at specific risk of ‘getting it on’,
the medical establishment intends to take precautionary measures one step further, locking up girl-loins in special ‘chastity pants’ (pictured
left) to protect their holiest of holies. This item of clothing can only be removed by parental intervention and if the reinforced underwear is
tampered with an alert sounds, resulting in the female offspring’s nether regions emitting a shrill sound, similar to a car alarm.
But not everyone endorses these proposals, as family planning expert Distaff Heroine (right) told the press:
“This is simply another example of misguided do-gooders who don’t know what they’re talking about.” Miss Heroine asserted. “As a
check on the figures reveals, teen pregnancies in the UK are at their lowest level since the early eighties. If Mrs. Dorries is worried
about the sexualisation of the young, why doesn’t she tackle the advertising or entertainment industries that constantly use sexual
imagery to prey upon them? Pubescent girls are exposed to hundreds of messages every day, from Bratz dolls to Lady Gaga, urging
them to exploit their nascent fuckability and get more attention from boys through the notion of ‘semi-clothed empowerment’.”
“They don’t because that course of action would be too difficult.” Distaff went on.“Much better to blame those girls who give in to their impulses, rather than doing something useful like teaching them about contraception or the risk of STDs. Instead our government weighs young women down with fear, shame and misinformation so that girls have no idea what they’re doing and end up ‘interlocking’ with boys in private because they think sex is evil and wrong.”
But MP Dorries was unrepentant, citing fundamentalist religious literature in the US apparently confirming that casual
intercourse leads to: ‘loss of reputation, shotgun weddings, cervical cancer, meanness, acne, alienation, inability to drive,
depression and, ultimately, death’. Nadine admitted she was simply one person and “couldn’t change the whole world”, but
what she could do was target small groups of ill-educated and frightened teens.
“After all,” Mrs. Dorries told The One Show. “It takes two to tango, everyone knows that. By dressing up that way they’re just
asking to be impregnated, Ken Clarke will back me up. We can’t expect boys to control themselves, they’re basically feral,
especially the ones from council estates. Trying to stop them wolf-whistling, exposing themselves, or banding together to
gang-rape their female peers is impossible. Instead I propose we work on those areas where we can make a difference.”
Unfortunately a recent pilot of this scheme in a less than salubrious area of Darlington indicated the initiative could backfire. Here, when boys were denied access to the naughty bits of their fairer contemporaries, frustrated youngsters turned to other sexual avenues out of desperation. Across Darlington
instances of bestial acts and sodomy shot up, with some reports claiming farmers had to invite their livestock indoors, just to protect them
from priapic youngsters.
“It’s pretty bad man,” Local sixteen year-old Shabby Meet-Cute (right) opined to HDUK. “Girls can’t give it up anymore and boys can’t afford
to travel where the girls are easy. A guy has needs, you know? I never expected to be looking at goat in this way, or to end up bumming my
best mate on a Saturday night, but that’s what this policy has reduced me to. Oh well, ‘any hole’s a goal’ as they say.”
Mr. Meet-Cute was then observed to sneak behind the school bike sheds and form an impromptu daisy chain with a group of Year Eleven
males. Meanwhile girls from his class, all clad in protective chastity pants, looked on and bit their
While these developments have caused something of a scandal in the north, back at Westminster the government is said to be
comfortable with the situation and keen to roll the scheme out across England’s more deprived neighbourhoods. As Prime Minister
‘Diddy’ David Cameron told parliament in support of the bill’s latest reading; “not only is buggery an excellent way to stop young girls
‘getting into trouble’ while ensuring that boys have an alternate sexual outlet, it can also combat the population problem by keeping
numbers down in working class areas. This, in turn, is exceptionally good for the environment.”
