First to Macclesfield, where the latest project of anally-fixated superhero and friend to the stars, Mr. Methane,
appears doomed after funding was pulled at the eleventh hour.
Methane (nee Joseph Pujol), is a self-styled minor celebrity who bills himself as the world's only performing
flatulist and once farted the British National Anthem at the request of Sweden's foreign minister. Recently
Methane has expanded his range further, from the world of comedy CDs on which he can be heard playing
tunes and expelling darts from his brownhole, into the world of cinema, creating a ten minute short in
collaboration with Brazilian director Yuri Goats. Such was the critical acclaim for the self-explanatory 'Cakes & Farts' that Mr. Methane was inspired to 'parp out' a follow-up feature, a film which is said to be based around the semi-autobiographical tale of an isolated little boy who overcomes shyness and insecurity by harnessing a wide variety of gaseous clouds, all expelled from his arse at will.
"Everything was in place." Methane told HDUK when we met up in a sealed booth installed
at the local pub. "Yuri cleared his schedule to direct, my sometime collaborator and spiritual
soul-mate, Maria the Butt Dancer, was on board to play the love interest, and I managed to
get the script exactly how I wanted. 'An Ill Wind' we called it - that picture would've been one
of the great filmic triumphs of 2005. It took in my childhood, back when the other kids used to
laugh at my guffing problems, on through my short-lived career as a train driver, all the way up
to now. The plot hinged on me discovering how I could turn an ability to break wind on command
into a lucrative career which eventually took me to the dizzy heights of the Howard Stern show.
All moving, triumph of the human spirit-type stuff, but just as we were scouting principal
locations bad news came through; the gig was off."
In fact, Methane's producers at Working Title films had recently been burned on the similarly-themed flop 'Thunderpants' and were reluctant to throw more money down the toilet. This left Methane farting an uphill battle to move out of pre-production, something he is yet to accomplish, despite a moving plea for donations on Marc 'Lard' Riley's BBC6 Radio Show, in-between the endless raspberries and cracking up.
"Things were looking bleak for a while, but I've got over worse," continued Methane, pausing only to snuff out a nearby candle with bum-gas. "I'm confident we'll get the money eventually, in fact we're in talks with several interested parties right now including Channel 4, the Royal Bank of Canada and England footballer Robbie Fowler."
'Fightstar' Fans Warned Off Eyebrow Transplants
15/02/05
Horrifying news reaches Home Defence of a growing trend among fans of heavy rock Busted spin-off 'Fightstar' who,
in an attempt to be more like genetically-confused axeman Charlie Simpson, are visiting back-street plastic
surgeons to have growth hormones injected into their foreheads, thereby making the eyebrows appear bushier and
more verdant.
Said one tearful parent; "Ciccone, my 13 year old, really wanted to have her head fixed up like that boy from that
new Fightstar band, and when we saw the ad in the local paper from Dr. Barry promising safe, quick and hairy in
minutes, I thought this was my opportunity to get her what she really wanted. But my daughter came out of surgery
having to spend weeks resting her face. Then, when the cast finally came off, little Ciccone looked like a cross
between the evil baby off The Simpsons and Noel Gallagher. Even her G.P. laughs at her. I blame thingy from that
group she used to love who's just started the new one 'cause he wants some cred. He oughta shave 'em off, for the
good of the country like."
Instances of star-struck youngsters peeling the skin off their own faces and shoving caterpillars into their crania are also on the rise, and these horrendous occurrences are said to be one of many setbacks explaining the break up of once-successful megastar mime-tits Charlie, Matthew and James, a.k.a. Busted; three lads whose Brit Awards, sell out stadium gigs, and adored songs about fancying stewardesses, brides and teachers, made Busted believe America was theirs for the taking. However, as recent 'reality' show America Or Busted proved, this idea was naïve to say the least, with Yanks relegating the wanky pop muppets to gigs in car parks and a 300 capacity club in Seattle. A concert to which only 27 people and a Chihuahua turned up.
Shortly after this debacle Charlie announced he would be following his hard-rockin' heart to make fresh
derivative nonsense with two session musicians and one other bloke under the name 'Fightstar'.
Unfortunately Charlie's eyebrow trouble refused to die away with the expiry of the ruthless, Tory
capitalists, and this scandal is expected to blossom as Fightstar play toilet venues around the
country in an attempt to build up a following which isn't fourteen and acne-speckled.
Indeed, HDUK spoke to one anonymous Busted fan who recently endured said facial operation,
finding him clad entirely in merchandise promoting Charlie's old group. And bandages. He had this to say.
"What're they called again? 'Dogturd'? Is Keanu Reeves playing bass? What a joke! I spent all my Christmas money on a lifetime membership to the Busted fan club, then me and my mates had bits of carpet inserted into our heads and now I never want to hear Charlie's name again!" The fan then burst into tears.
When asked about the rising number of lawsuits filed against Simpson by families, all appalled at the lack of eyebrow-related warnings on record sleeves or promotional material, the new Fightstar management team remained upbeat. Although this may have been the drugs.
"We're doing everything we can to stop kiddies falling victim to this craze," stated Andre McClintock, P.R. "There's a helpline and counsellors at every Fightstar gig. We even hand out plastic eyebrows to satisfy the worst cases. Unfortunately there will always be a minority who are so enraptured by Charlie's monobrow they mutilate themselves. We get a lot of stupid people in this audience."
Fightstar's aggressive debut LP 'Shitbird' will be released later this year on Underwhelming Records. There are twenty-three court cases pending.
CELEBRITY
SCUTTLEBUTT
Home Defence UK
A Symptom of a Greater Malaise
That's what you need Laurence, some nice, hot...
Minor Celebrity Gossip!
Your man disguising himself as a hotel chambermaid - Al Likilla.
Methane: "The gig's off!"
Charlie Fightstar : "Scandal"
Delia Smith 'Buys Norwich'
17/01/05
To Norfolk, where established minor celebrity and the UK's favourite cookery woman, Delia 'Canary 'til I Die' Smith,
has drawn up legal documents for the expansion of her empire which will now include the city of Norwich in its
entirety.
Smith, who once famously described Antony Worrall-Thompson as "repulsive" and likes to pass off M&S sarnies
as her own, is worth several million a year thanks to her willingness to teach the British public how to cook toast
and whip up a flan. In 1996 Delia joined the board of Norwich City F.C. and her enormous mountains of money
were soon wildly popular, ensuring she became the club's biggest shareholder, a Roman Abramovich for the
East Midlands (although, unlike Roman, she doesn't have a yacht fitted with a submarine).
After investing enormous sums in Darren Huckerby's metatarsals and single-handedly lifting her team up to the Premiership's glamorous doldrums, the logical next step was to own the surrounding area, something which we at HDUK can confirm has now been made legally binding.
"It's true that Mrs. Smith had an offer accepted by Norwich Council for the city this week." Delia's spokesman told a sweaty press conference last Friday. "Both the local authorities and Mrs. Smith believe this to be the best deal for Norwich. She's already investing in the infrastructure and using her cookery skills to increase tourism. I understand there's been speculation in the Norwich Advertiser regarding so-called 'internment camps' and I'd like to categorically state that everyone who lives in the city will be allowed to keep their houses, as long as they pass Delia's three tests as to what makes a desirable citizen that is. Finally, I'd like to scotch once and for all the rumour that dissenting voices will be crushed by this new regime and made to live on little rafts out in the sea. Delia simply expressed a desire to explore a 'rationalization process' by slimming down the number of artistic types who operate out of the area, particularly those whose views are part of a Norwich which is now firmly in the past. Thank you gentlemen, welcome to a bright new future!"
Smith is believed to have raised much of the funding for her venture into autocratic rule through advance sales of her new bestseller, 'Delia Does Gruel'. Detailing a number of ways to keep a large family alive on a budget of less than a pound a day, the glossy hardback has already notched up five million pre-orders and looks set to swell the Smith coffers further.
HDUK took a trip to the 'East Anglian riviera' and found work progressing quickly, just weeks after the buy-out, builders operating around the clock to make Delia's idea of a twenty-first century utopia a reality. Smith, a practicing Roman Catholic who ranks God below only recipes and football in her list of life priorities, has already bulldozed several dozen houses to make room for a museum devoted to her work, sponsored by local potato experts McCain. Also in the offing is a temple of worship where Norwich F.C. fans
can pray to a great holographic Smith and an enormous hedge maze which, as yet, does not have a way out.
However, contractors are certain this maze will be visible from space, forming a great green outline of Delia's
face for aliens to be beguiled by.
We stopped one middle-aged man in a yellow scarf on the pavement of Delia's new city to ask him what he
thought of recent developments.
"I can't say I expected this to be honest," said the resident, distracted by a helicopter lifting a huge statue
of Delia's husband onto a plinth in the distance. "But, at the end of the day, if indulging that cook woman's
whims and having to move to Lowestoft is the price I've got to pay for Norwich staying in the Premier league
then it's all worthwhile."
Smith: "Mountains of money"
Smith & Huckerby: "Metatarsals"
Manic Street Preachers Re-release Classic Single For Tsunami Appeal
02/02/05
More news of music business generosity in the wake of the Asian Tsunami disaster, as waning Welsh
rockers The Manic Street Preachers announce the re-issue of 1999 hit 'Tsunami', with all proceeds going
toward much-needed aid for the worst hit areas of Indonesia and Sri Lanka.
This thematically-timely song originally featured on the fifth Manic Street Preachers album; 'This Is My Vest,
Show Me Yours', and marked both the beginning and end of the band's ill-advised experimentation with sitars.
Lyrically the track is an uplifting meditation on the positive side of being engulfed by a bloody big wave,
including as it does such lyrics as: "Through September, under the weather", "Disco dancing with the rapists"
and, on the anthemic chorus, a repeated cry of: "Tsunami, Tsunami, came washing over me!"
We caught up with Manics bassist and long-time gigantism sufferer, Nicky Wire, to ask if the group's apparent show of philanthropy wasn't just a shameless attempt to get back in the public eye following the failure of dismal recent LP 'Life Blood'. Wire appeared not to hear our question.
"Me, James and Sean just wanted to give something back," burbled Nicky, "we thought about what we could do to help those people and my bandmates were all up for going over there and building some new hovels, but I like my own bed too much so we decided on this instead. Hopefully it'll give us our first number one since 'Masses Against The Classes'."
When pressed by Home Defence as to whether the song might not be slightly offensive to families of the bereaved, Wire quipped: "Not as offensive as talentless has-beens using this tragedy to kick-start their pathetic little indie careers. Ha ha!"
The single will hit shops on March 15th, wrapped in a sleeve showing bodies being washed up on Asian beaches, just to ram the point home.
