An affluent neighbourhood, packed with millionaires, near Islington, North London. Here
residents and the wider community have recently been scandalised by Channel 5’s hit reality
show following the day-to-day trials and tribulations of a typical 21st century family, whose
paterfamilias just happens to be the elected Mayor of London, Boris ‘Trouser Snake’ Johnson.
“This programme is a travesty; a load of frivolous nonsense undermining the good name of the
Conservative party.” Right-wing peer, Lord Peregrine Ringblong, blustered to Home Defence
as we watched a crew set up outside the Johnson residence. “I speak for hundreds of
Conservative backbenchers, retired Daily Telegraph readers, and other men who are obsessed
with the EU, when I say that Boris Johnson has cast off what remaining dignity he has by allowing his private moments to be captured on film in
“If the Mayor of London thinks that giving unrestricted access to his family is going to help him become Prime Minister one day then he’s sorely
mistaken.” Lord Ringblong went on, stroking his upper lip while watching pubescent girls gather outside the house, all of them hoping for a glance of
Bojo’s eldest daughter (Lara Lettice) who, since the show began to air, has become an unlikely upper class style icon.
The Lord (left) goes on: “My party simply won’t put up with Johnson airing his dirty laundry in public.
Even a fool knows those TV types always edit your mishaps together in search of a cheap laugh.”
He maintained, becoming purple-faced. “The lower classes may well find the priapic antics of Boris’s
dad entertaining, or enjoy his foreign maid trying to keep the mansion clean of food detritus, but if
you want to run the country you need to be something more than light entertainment in the mould
of Noel Coward or Norman Wisdom.”
According to television industry insiders, ‘At Home With The Johnsons’ was commissioned in the
wake of Bojo’s successful drive for re-election earlier this year. His campaign delighted onlookers
when Johnson used the f-word live on daytime TV, physically threatened his opponent in a lift and
then, shortly after his landslide victory by 63,000 votes, got up in a defeated Ken Livingstone’s
face, booming: “Oh yeah, how you like me now? Victoria aut mors motherfucker!”
After witnessing this classic moment and the unhinged revelry of a dozen-strong Johnson clan at the subsequent victory party, Channel
5’s commissioning editors concluded these were TV stars in the making. The Johnsons ‘mediated reality’ format follows in the
groundbreaking lineage of Katie Price, Ozzy Osborne and the Kardashians into our hearts, and it was Boris’s joy at securing a second
term in City Hall that led him to agree to this proposal, the Mayor’s judgment impaired by the glow of victory and too much pink
Unfortunately filming wasn’t all plain-sailing, with Johnson’s long-suffering wife Marina refusing to appear on-screen because she was
“busy with important things”. Yet Boris himself somehow found time between journalistic and jetsetting responsibilities to feature in a
number of memorable episodes, all of which begin with some kind of crisis which he spends the next hour trying to resolve with
increasing desperation and, for the most part, only manages to make worse.
“My favourite is the one where his sons, Milo Arthur and Theodore Apollo, get in a sulk because Boris won’t
buy them Lamborghinis.” The show’s researcher and self-professed ‘big fan’ Patty Hindquarters (right) told HDUK. “The look on Bojo’s face
when they blackmail him using hacked emails from his mistress is priceless. Or there’s the time Boris accidentally pisses off South
America with a thoughtless remark and has to formally apologise to some pygmies. Although my boyfriend likes it best when the Mayor
has to smooth things over for his sister Rachel, such as when she got sacked from The Lady for thinking up another feature involving the
season’s male jodhpur-look that emphasized their ‘packages’.”
“Not to mention the endless paternity tests and his inability to control a house filled with hormonal, scary-blonde teenagers.” Miss
Hindquarters went on. “There are so many highlights to choose from.”
Part of the show’s popularity comes from its supporting characters, with Stanley Johnson and his ‘non-PC’ views a particular
favourite. This incorrigible Octogenarian often escapes his sixth wife to pursue ‘fresh crumpet’ and then has to be physically
removed from the presence of ‘young fillies’ by his embarrassed son. Meanwhile MP brother Jo regularly pops by, upstaging
his older sibling with talk of how organised and on the ball he is, and how he can get away with chatting to ‘Rupe’ Murdoch
But whatever chaos Boris initiates, things are back to normal by the time the end credits roll over footage of the Mayor, food
down his shirt-front, happily playing a game of ‘whiff whaff’ against one of that week’s special guests to a soundtrack of
Now HDUK can exclusively reveal an upcoming episode could be even more controversial, as Patty Hindquarters explains:
“I don’t know if I’m supposed to say this.” She confides. “But next week there’s a scene where Boris does a radio interview saying he’s
never thought about leading the country. This is followed by footage that clearly shows Bojo drumming up support for a run at the
Conservative Party Leadership come 2015, or whenever David Cameron gets ousted.”
“I’m looking forward to seeing the Prime Minister tick him off again after he sees that.” Patty grinned. “It’ll be even better than the time
Boris embarrassed himself in front of the Queen, or when he upset an Armenian dignitary will ill-advised remarks about his Turkish
heritage. Or that shocking incident with the pedalo.”
In the meantime, even with those occupying the corridors of power derogating Johnson’s ambitions as ‘nothing more than the foolhardy efforts of a tubbier Sarah Palin’, public reaction to his show has been excellent. The viewing figures are climbing by the week, and are set to outstrip the latest series of teenage narcissist bore-fest Big Brother. Polls now show Johnson is three times as popular as any other Tory, making him the obvious choice for party leader (although, admittedly, every other Conservative in the country is widely loathed).
“I can see him doing it.” His sister Rachel Johnson (left) told Loose Women yesterday. “The fans
love my brother’s charm, intelligence, his mastery of silent film-style slapstick, and the manner
in which he can talk his way out of the most hopeless situation.”
“Those fusty backbenchers might grumble about ‘inappropriate behaviour for a serious political
figure’.” She went on to a captivated Lynda Bellingham. “But they need to listen to the people!
We want a leader who entertains. The electorate have had enough of policy, endeavour and
competence – my brother puts the fun back into politics!”
Her opinions have precipitated a wave of popular endorsement, flowing like sewage across the Twittersphere, with voters young and old
tweeting their support after a recent show screened, saying: “I like it when the funny fat man falls over”, “Here’s hoping big boy takes me
to one of his ‘secret’ afternoon meetings”, “LOL – look at his hair” and “I feel sorry for the poor wife”, all of which seems to indicate that
this crazy, madcap family could soon be broadcasting their hijinks to the nation direct from number ten Downing Street!
