Minor Celebrity Gossip

Outhere Brothers Make Ill-Advised Comeback Attempt

20/04/05

To the pop scene, where our one-hit wonder grapevine has been a-buzz with news that profoundly useless

rappers, The Outhere Brothers, are set to return! The 2005 mix of their nineties hit 'Boom Boom Boom (Let

Me Hear You Say Way-Oh)', has already inspired a mixture of mirth and derision in minor celebrity circles

following its early appearance online. This contemporary update, which features an 'R'n'b Smooch' mix from

pointless TV non-talent Lemar, looks increasingly likely to fail the brothers in their desperate attempts to set

the charts alight.

In fact, following miniscule sales of maledictory 2003 compilation 'Fucking Hits', the brothers have seen their personal lives go from bad to worse. The big growly one has become a crackhead, reduced to pimping the act's former dancers to fund his habit, while the short one is now so morbidly obese he needs the help of a kindly neighbour to tie his shoelaces.

With the twosome having hit rock bottom in this way, an unexpected intervention came from rising rude-boy label 'Final Appeal Failed Records', giving the duo a last possibility of redemption. Unfortunately initial attempts to enlist soundtrack artist and ubercool DJ David Holmes in radically re-working the single 'Don't Stop (Wiggle Wiggle)' fell through, Holmes reportedly uncomfortable with such nonsensical lyrics as: "Put your nanny on my tongue" and "slip my Peter inside your folder". Lemar was a last resort, but initial optimism soon came to be deflated by the reaction of real gangstas like Suge Knight and Mark Morrison. They simply laughed hysterically at the song, then threatened to blow the rappers' heads off. And with the record company promotional budget for their single reputedly sitting somewhere in the low three-figures, it doesn't look as if the Outhere Brothers will be bothering the Top 40 again any time soon. And so the pair are likely to slip back into their tragic former lifestyles of human trafficking, drug abuse and big pies. Oh well.

Frank Carson "Actually From Canberra"

02/05/05

This Spring we begin with shock news of elderly comic throwback and indefatigable

Irishman, Frank 'It's A Cracker' Carson, who we now know possesses roots, not on

the Emerald Isle as Frank would have his adoring public believe, but within that

Antipodean island known as 'Australia'.

The revelation came about thanks to the efforts of a Private Detective hired by long-time rival Norman 'This

Microphone's Not Working' Collier, to dig dirt on his old enemy. Expecting to uncover a few skeletons in the

closet, maybe 'love children' or sexual shenanigans, this Shamus tailed Carson through a recent tour of Oz,

and was shocked to find a dozen genetically-similar Carsons living out of a tin shack with no indoor plumbing.

Carson's official biography claims the comedian was born in 1920s Ulster, but HDUK can exclusively reveal that Frank actually grew up in a billabong just outside the Australian capital city, stowing away on a ship bound for what he thought was 'the promised land' as a young man. On arrival in Northern Ireland Carson adopted the customs and boomingly unpleasant accent of a native Ulsterman, stealing a number of one-liners from funnier but less ambitious local acts. Soon the reinvented comic was appearing on 'Opportunity Knocks' and the rest is history. Indeed, Frank succeeded to such a degree, he was knighted by recently-dead Pope 'Big J.P.' Kolya and brought his popular, wisecracking persona, to the Ballyskillen Opera House, a hall which boasts it has banned 'the colonies' from its door for half a century.

"He hid it so well, I'd never have guessed," testified pretend village idiot and fellow star of 'The Stand Up Show', Jimmy Cricket. "That said, I suppose my glimpses inside Frank's briefcase should have tipped me off," Jimmy reflected, crossing the welly labelled 'L' over the one saying 'R'. "Frank was carrying one of those hats with dangly corks and a Powderfinger album. Then there was that time we went to an exotic restaurant and Frank refused the Wallaby meat, saying he'd had enough of that as a kid in the outback. Sadly I was too fucked up on booze to put two and two together."

Carson continues to perform stand-up to packed theatres in his native Australia, but there is speculation as to the kind of reception the comic might receive should he return to Ireland. Indeed, many believe sectarian hostility could force Frank to make a permanent move into his London residence - a one bedroom flat above Temple Walkabout. Meanwhile Oz newspaper The Melbourne Star recently caught up with Carson after a show and found his finely-honed façade beginning to slip. To the question: 'What's the secret of your success?' Frank is quoted as replying: "It's the way I tell 'em, cobber! Bugger, I mean 'mate', I mean. Look, can you get out of the way? I need to use the dunny - oh what a giveaway..."

Rula Lenska "Doing Favours For Cash"

22/05/05

To Guildford, where the fiftysomething actress born Rose-Marie Leopoldnya Labienska has fallen

on hard times since her divorce from second husband 'Little' Denis Waterman in 1998. This split

precipitated Lenska's move from her rural idyll in the Lake District back down South, whereupon

this chain-smoking former star of classic TV series 'Minder' and 'Boon' found acting work predictably

hard to come by.

Lenska is an exceptionally small-time actress who began her career in pornography during the seventies and is famous for having a lot of hair. Her first big break came in the 'Rock Follies' series of 1977 where Rula starred with 'Hyper Huggins' as one of his 'Little Ladies'. From there, Lenska's illustrious career as a minor celebrity blossomed through 'Dr. Who' and 'Robin of Sherwood', and she soon had a daughter with first love Brya 'Joey' Deacon. But these dizzy heights couldn't last forever, and recently Lenska's agent has secured her just a brief part in Eastenders and the starring role in little-seen British film 'Gypo', a movie which depicts middle-aged Romany Gypsies as naughty and voluptuous, a characterisation very unlike their day to day reality of public stonings and no running water.

Pay from these roles was never going to be enough to make ends meet for the woman once called 'Little Golden Ball' by her father, but Lenska's salvation eventually arrived in the form of a starring role in a new adaptation of Jane Austen's 'Pride & Prejudice'. Unfortunately one of her co-stars on the shoot proved to be former children's TV presenter and unsavoury pervert, John Leslie. Before she knew it, Rula was being indoctrinated into his sick world of performances, cavorting with coked-up pretend-lesbians for the benefit of Leslie's 'Super 8'.

Indeed, it was a dirty suggestion from John Leslie which led to Lenska's downfall. Familiar as he is with the sordid aspects of England's underworld, Leslie knew there was a market for Lenska's brand of faded-sex-symbol desperation. When Rula's last shot at acting, a panto season in Guildford's Royale Theatre, was cut short by her growing dependence on alcohol and pills, Leslie quickly put Rula in touch with certain "elements". Before long the former actress was servicing nostalgic businessmen in cheap hotels, while giving the occasional golden shower on the side.

But with the influx of bargain sex workers from Eastern Europe, competition soon became so intense, Rula was

reduced to working the streets. These days she can be found in back alleys off Guildford high street, giving

handjobs for 'readies' and fleeing at the first sign of approaching police. We at Home Defence asked a local

inspector what the Surrey constabulary could do about this poor woman's plight.

"I don't like to see her this way," opined the copper, shaking his head sadly. "But I can't nick the Lenska, it'd

break my dad's heart. Besides, she's something of a local legend, it's good for tourism, and Rula's got the softest

mouth..."

Chris Eubank Fails To Bring About World Peace,

Commandeers Heavy Goods Vehicle, Runs Amok

12/05/05

Finally, more news on the one-man medium for political reform that is former world middleweight champion

and reality TV star, Chris Eubank. Following recent court appearances for hotwiring a series of vehicles

that "got in his way", Eubank's many well-wishers and four strapping sons (Chris, Chris, Chris and Little

Chris), were hoping the ex-boxer could get back to a relatively settled existence, giving lucrative speeches

to marketing executives on 'How To Be As Great As Me' and polishing his collection of embossed walking

sticks. Unfortunately it was not to be.

On May 5th this year Eubank - who has a history of blockading government buildings with an enormous 4x4 - parked his ridiculous vehicle outside London's Foreign Office and proceeded to unveil a huge banner featuring a picture of his monocled face above scrawled demands for British troops to withdraw from Iraq, Afghanistan, Northern Ireland and Aldershot. Using a loudhailer, Eubank then began to harangue passers-by on the need for "soldier re-start programmes" so the army can be retrained as IT consultants and office post-monkeys.

After more than an hour of this noisy troublemaking Eubank, who is notorious for flying his barber down from Manchester and once blew several grand on jodhpurs, grew increasingly disgruntled that no one was taking notice of his noble attempts to make the world a better place. Tetchy and annoyed, Chris returned to his 32ft vehicle and began driving it through Parliament Square, whooping like an audience member at the recording of a talk show. However, Eubank's progress was halted by a stationary beer lorry delivering barrels of Hog's Back Tea and London Pride to a city centre alehouse. Not to be denied, the South coast dandy immediately leapt into the cab of this parked truck. With an exultant cry Chris began manoeuvring the lorry around narrow back-streets, honking his horn for peace and causing pedestrians to clutch children to their bosoms and cower.

By the time Eubank was apprehended he had caused several thousand pounds worth of

damage to parked cars, wasted hundreds of office hours as workers gathered at their

windows to watch, and nearly run over an elderly lady called Edna. At the time of writing it

also appears that, despite Chris' brave efforts, the world remains just as dangerous and

unstable as it was before. But never let it be said Eubank has lost his dignity in pursuit of the

cause. Indeed, following this heroic stand, Chris was content to come quietly, holding up his

hands for the inevitable police cuffs and proclaiming: "You mutht arretht me!"