The Slagpile, an exclusive members’ dining club and cocktail bar in fashionable East London. Today the great and
good from the major political parties have gathered here for an exclusive revelation on Britain’s place in the European
Union. This announcement is being soundtracked by a stirring theme song: ‘let’s stay together, lovin’ you whether
times are good or bad’ as the ‘EU – I’m Lovin’ It!’ campaign gets into full flow during the run up to our Referendum,
expected later this year.
“Thank you for coming tonight, and for supporting our attempt to keep Britain in the European Union, or ‘BRINE4U’ as we call it.” Laughed host for the evening and In Campaign Coordinator,
Tepid Primarara. “Now, its time to unveil our secret weapon, the one we expect to single-handedly combat the dark prospect of Brexit. I’m sure you’re familiar with him by now, it’s that man voted
second funniest human in this country’s history – Joshy Widdicombe!”
Primara then whisked the sheet off the 32-year old comedian who was perched on a podium looking confused, Josh was wearing a hilarious t-shirt from
LegislatedNostalgia.com that read: ‘Keep Calm and Stay in the EU’ and, as the applause died away, Widdicombe was called upon to say a few words, Joshy
then addressed this proud audience of non-xenophobes, Widdicombe explaining how chuffed he was to lead the ‘In’ campaign before moving on to a joke about
breakfast buffets which brought the house down.
Initial media reaction to this announcement has been somewhat confused, with many analysts asking why a young comic, who admits to
having no knowledge of the issues involved, should be selected to stand alongside our leaders as they persuade voters to remain in the
European Union. But the star of Live at the Apollo, Dave’s Taskmaster, QI, Insert Name Here, The Apprentice: You’re Fired, Mock the Week, The Last Leg Goes Down
Under, XFM, Have I Got News For You, The Graham Norton Show every bloody week and countless others, has an advantage here, as the ‘Yes I Love EU!’ campaign
coordinator explained further:
“As a white, middle class male from southern England, Joshy is ideally placed to unite everyone behind the EU.” Tepid Primrara
clarified. “Widders will effectively act as a puppet; a mouthpiece for powerful players who want to continue embracing the European
Union’s traditions. These include peaceful technocracy, free trade, human rights, allowing Brits to emigrate to Spain and open Irish-themed pubs, along with rubbing up against
large corporations suggestively.”
“The dwindling Brexit hordes,” Tepid went on, “Led by resurgent assassin-evader Nigel Farage and Iain Duncan Smith, murderer of
the poor, simply cannot compete with Joshy Widdles in terms of popularity, cultural ubiquity or top-notch banter. For years now no
citizen of this land has been able to turn on his TV without at least a 50% chance Widdicombe will immediately appear onscreen.
This percentage can only rise as we approach Autumn’s referendum date.”
Indeed, Joshy Michael ‘Josh’ Widdicombe was the most visible celebrity of 2015 overall, leading a top five filled out by Prime Minister Diddy David Cameron, Tyson Fury,
‘Doctor’ Fox and Rob Brydon. For anyone who has spent the last few years being held hostage by the Taliban, let HDUK explain further. Josh Widdicombe is a popular
British light entertainer who started his career on ‘Dora the Explorer’ magazine before writing down some observations about modern life then reciting them on-stage. This brought him to the attention of oily talk-boy Michael McIntyre who Widdicombe supported on tour, the press dubbing him, somewhat unimaginatively, as ‘the heir to Michael
McIntyre’. But Britain’s most popular stand up remains apolitical, alienating the working classes with his posh, fleshy-prancing, whereas Widdicombe’s appeal is absolutely
fucking universal. What with his instantly recognisable face and family friendly routines about phone batteries and Wham! bars, remember them???
Widdicombe is now expected to continue his full-time panel show / sidekick / whatever-his-agent-tells-him-to-do schedule through 2016, but combine it
with this new post heading up the BRINE4U movement (not because Josh has any political beliefs, but because he can’t say no to anything). Indeed,
Joshy’s representatives confirmed to HDUK their client has no real idea what the EU does, but this is being spun as a good thing - it puts him on a par
with much of the general public. Voters are now expected to identify with Widdicombe through every step of the referendum process, and to do what he
tells them without question, just like they used to with politicians back in the old days.
“We plan to feed scaremongering stories to Josh through an earpiece whenever he makes a live appearance as part of the campaign.” Tepid Primarara confided. “Joshy Widdly-woos will
then relay these hyperbolic fears about loss of trade, Scotland leaving the union, price rises in everything from phone tariffs to international flights and security problems at the Irish border
in that trademark, deadpan manner of his. You know; the inimitable dead-eyed delivery that’ has seen Josh deliver the same material over thousands of routines during recent years.”
“It won’t be straightforward, we know that.” Tepid went on. “Josh has to nullify the anti-politics protest vote and shout down bigots who see this as a vote on immigration. Obviously
it’s a bonus that, as well as being bloody hilarious, Widdicombe suffers from pectus excavatum [a cosmetic deformity of the chest]. This means anyone using prejudiced language
against him can be dismissed as an anti-disablist who hates everything our country achieved at the Paralympics. With that in mind, next month
we’re sending Joshy to the EU headquarters in Brussels along with his Last Leg co-stars, Adam Hills and Alex Brooker. Once there they'll
endeavour to put a human visage on all those ‘faceless bureaucrats’ we hear so much about. An hour of European Parliament MPs laughing
stiltedly at Widdles’ spontaneous quips will prove the EU has Britain’s best interests at heart, once and for all.”
“Some of this may not fly with hardline Eurosceptic Tories, we realise that.” Primarara admitted. “That’s why we’ll also be starting a
rumour [leading Conservative battleaxe] Ann Widdecombe is actually Josh’s aunt. That should get them onside. It’s all about political dynasties these days isn’t it? Look at Jeb Bush
and Hillary Clinton."”
As Home Defence was going to press, we learned that the ‘in’ campaign has received another boost with the launch of a special pro-EU emoji. This is a simple graphic
representation of Joshy’s head yelling “yes!” repeatedly while his trademark ‘angelic curls’ bounce up and down with glee. It is expected to become the image of the yes
vote as many pundits now change their minds about Josh - because if Widdi-boy can convince millions of us to watch his direly unfunny 70s-throwback houseshare
sitcom, he can certainly use the same brand of comic mediocrity to persuade citizens to remain in the Union.
