A run-down industrial estate near Battersea Bridge in central London where, earlier today,
police sealed off the area, taking a man of forty-three into custody on suspicion of entering
into a pact of death with another man who was arrested earlier. What makes this incident noteworthy is not so much that the pair used an Internet
suicide forum to meet, one of those sites which has grown in popularity after repeated economic meltdowns and the fracturing of British society. No,
the surprise is that these two men, united for the purpose of ending their lives, included one of the most despised figures in England today. And
“We think they got together via a special web page, set up to encourage minor celebrities to embrace death.” Detective Inspector Nerf
Slutwalk (right) told a press conference earlier today. “The Metropolitan Police monitor such sites on a regular
basis as a preventative measure, when we’re not shooting people for no apparent reason or watching fourteen
year olds torch family-run businesses from a safe distance.”
D.I. Slutwalk then waited for the laughter of reporters to die down before continuing.
“No, but seriously folks. We arrested the man before he could fill his self-styled ‘deathmobile’ with poisonous gas. The imprisoned
individual will join his forty-one year old accomplice in protective custody, where they will both undergo psychiatric evaluation.
Although it doesn’t take a PHd in psychology to see why they might do this.”
“These men are now locked up where no harm can befall them.” Nerf concluded. “I’m aware this may disappoint those who would
have preferred to see the pair ‘get what was coming to them’ but that’s just the way it is. Now, if you’ll excuse me, I have to go and
harass some pre-pubescents in hooded tops.”
Tomorrow’s papers will be filled with lurid background on an incident involving two men with the least to live for in Britain today.
Indeed, the individual arrested before he could get to the scene of his suicide attempt, Adrian Chiles, has been vilified in the press
and public since he switched to presenting sports and ‘magazine’ programme on ITV. This move was widely seen as a betrayal of
Match of the Day 2 and The One Show in favour of naked greed by both the public, Chiles’ closest friends, and his mother.
Despite a reported seven-figure paycheck, in an Old Testament-style development, Chiles recently discovered that riches could not buy him happiness. Disheartened, divorced from his wife, and described by one commentator as resembling “a Toby Jug full of warm piss”, Chiles has recently issued a number of alarming tweets from his Twitter account including: “All the money in the world can’t buy me a decent night’s sleep!” followed by: “Is there anyone out there who feels the way I do? I don’t have the strength to do this alone.”
“The Internet allows people to assume any identity they want and these men had no idea who they were taking to while discussing the best ways
of doing themselves in.” Fame analyst and web commentator Muff Dinner (right) told Home Defence. “This was a straightforward case of
celebrity coincidence, like when Gazza stole Lynda Bellingham’s car that time.”
Mr Dinner goes on: “With hindsight we see warning signs everywhere. Here’s Adrian who, in recent interviews, reflects on his failure in life, back
when he flunked his civil service exams and MI5 entrance interview, then the days as a scaffolder which, by all accounts, were his happiest times.
Chiles has said he would love to return to that line of work, out in the air every day, answerable to nobody but the site foreman as he slotted metal
poles together. It appears the thought of wasting more years of his life at ITV, earning ridiculous money doing something he knows, deep down, is wrong, has precipitated a serious depression.”
“Then there’s Coulson of course. What more is there to say about him?” Muff asked. “While he was editing that rag it was all bullying, lies, unfair dismissals, the hacking of bereaved families’ phones, bribes for the police and pushing the subjects of News of the World ‘exclusives’ to ruin. In some cases Coulson’s victims would commit suicide themselves. Then came his worst crime; helping the Conservative government get into power.”
“Even his closest advisors are expecting Andy to spend the rest of his life in prison. There’s talk of his marriage being under
strain, with Coulson unable to look himself in the mirror, and the possibility he may be charged with crimes against
humanity by an international court. With all this hanging over him, the public revulsion and loss of allies in government
coupled with a future rotting away in Parkhurst, is it any wonder Andy decided death was the better option?”
Indeed, it was Andrew ‘Coolio’ Coulson (left) who is said to have imported the poisonous chemicals this pair were to inhale
in their car of death, leading Chiles, the more junior and vulnerable partner, down a path that began with instant messages and
emotional emails, and would have ended in a deserted back road in London had the police not swooped.
“This pair of potential suicides showed a level of forward planning and intelligence which, quite frankly, we thought was beyond them.” D.I. Nerf Slutwalk advised HDUK. “There have been calls to close the website they used which provides information on self-destruction for the famous, but we anticipate a greater outcry if it’s shut down. Britain’s a free country after all, and if celebrities are really desperate to kill themselves they’ll do it somehow. Some might say good
riddance, particularly when it comes to these two, but I couldn’t possibly comment.”
In a final twist that echoes the detective’s words, as Home Defence went to press a Just Giving page had appeared online in aid of
Chiles and Coulson,attempting to raise funds for the pair to fly out to Switzerland and engage the services of Dignitas upon release.
In the end it took just hours for the site to crash under the weight of donations from the public.
