Minor Celebrity Gossip

Stan Boardman Rehabilitation Now

Almost Complete

20/03/06

Firstly this March, we travel to the slightly less desolate end of Liverpool, where once-famed

stand-up comic Stan ‘Them Fokkers Bombed Our Chippy’ Boardman looks set to return to

the minor celeb scene after an agonisingly long lay-off. During his time away from the public

eye this famously bigoted Scouse comedian was suffering from the knock-on effects of

several unfortunate incidents which plagued his progress into the higher echelon of showbiz.

“The whole celebrity community remembers Stanley’s live appearance on the Des O’Connor

show, that night he scandalised Dishy Des’ prime-time audience by exploiting the similarity between the name of a Nazi war plane and the word ‘Fucker’.” Reminisced Stan’s new agent, Gunther Schwienhund. “But with the recent success of Ben Stiller’s Hollywood star-sequel ‘Meet The Fokkers’, a movie which mines that same richly comedic seam, Mr. Boardman no longer seems quite so shocking. Not when set against the talentless talking heads who comment on him during those crappy ‘100 Worst TV Moments’ compendiums anyway.”

Indeed, recent press stories on the 68 year-old Boardman focus less on Stan’s propensity for scandal than his burgeoning relationship with new developments in the showbiz world. These include the naked balloon dance that entertainingly exposed his elderly danglies to an all-female audience on E4 reality show ‘Kings of Comedy’, as well as a story in several right-wing newspapers about Stan’s disgust at the modern phenomenon of ‘text messaging’. Apparently Boardman believes audiences don’t laugh at his new jokes because someone in the crowd at a previous gig texted the gags to their mates. Yes, he thinks that’s the reason they’re not laughing.

This publicity is good progress for a man once only known for calling northern women “dogs” and regaling David O’Leary’s court-monkey Leeds United squad with offensive jokes about 9/11, Australians, Americans and ‘The Irish’. Indeed, it was during this club dinner that Stan suggested the players outside the Leeds nightclub on that infamous night decided they “could murder an Indian”, at which point he was shouted down by a man of non-Caucasian origin. Stan swiftly responded with a trademark line:

“Fucking hell, I’m being heckled by Pakis! Why don’t you go back to your curry house in Bradford? Your

elephant’s waiting outside!”

Yet with racism making a comeback among the chattering classes in today’s Muslimophobic world, and

Boardman “consistently booked” for expensive corporate events and society dinners, Stan’s agent believes it is

only a matter of time before mainstream TV welcomes him back into the fold. As Schwienhund told Home

Defence: “The material is no longer so much the problem. What we need to stop now is the way Stanley is

being so damned unfunny. If we can fix that then the world is his oyster.”

Pato Banton Zoo Experiment Backfires

28/02/06

To the picturesque channel island of Jersey, a small and excessively well tax-sheltered community, where this

month the population has been left reeling after events that saw several zoo keepers suspended on full pay, the

result of a disturbing incident which occurred in front of unsuspecting onlookers last Tuesday.

“I’d heard rumours about that Banton fella, visiting zoos round Europe and offering staff a wodge if he could get

closer to the animals than was strictly permitted.” Reptile house employee Buzz Gellatley told Home Defence. “That day I was on me break, having a smoke up by the lemurs, when I saw Banton sidle up to me mate Larry - he’s the bloke who looks after the monkey house. Pato offered Larry what looked like an envelope stuffed with used notes, then he was shown into the restricted area.”

What happened next remains open to speculation, but eyewitnesses report that the former reggae star, who once had hits with the forgotten likes of Rankin’ Roger and UB40’s Ali Campbell, was allowed to enter the gorilla cage unsupervised. Banton gingerly tiptoed toward Jersey zoo’s star attraction, a two-hundred pound silverback nicknamed ‘Killer’, and began stroking him like some kind of aroused Sigourney Weaver.

“Pato was well into that monkey.” Confirms Gellatley. “But as long as he carried on feeding it the fruit Larry provided, Killer seemed happy enough with the attention. That is, until his missus woke up. Maybe Killer was worried he’d look gay in front of her, what with Pato stroking his fur and all. Whatever the reason, that was when events took a turn for the sickening.”

Indeed, perhaps afraid of appearing compromised, the gorilla proceeded to shrug off the man behind such

hit singles as ‘Baby Come Back’ and ‘Bubblin’ Hot’, beating his chest before letting out an extremely

masculine cry. The silverback is then believed to have disorientated Banton, who had no time to respond

to the zoo keepers urging him to escape. Pato was set upon by the monkey, his body crushed, and

one of his arms pulled right off.

“The monkey threw Pato’s severed limb in the general direction of a group of watching children, all of whom

have been extremely well compensated by Mr Banton’s record label.” A spokesman from the victim’s

management company advised HDUK. “Luckily the two gorillas then began to mate furiously, forgetting all about their uninvited interloper. We managed to get Pato to safety, and I think the surgeons have done an excellent job of sewing his arm back on. Although it’s a bit floppier than it used to be.”

Since the Jersey tragedy other incidents have come to light, police investigations revealing that Pato, the former king of the ‘speed rap’, had previously been allowed to nuzzle Penguins in London Zoo and once even rode a drugged-up Polar Bear. Popular psychologists have theorised that these actions, coming from a man whose given name was inspired by the night-cry of the wise Jamaican owl (“Patoo Patoo”), could be a reaction to a couple of his children being injured in a Brummie drive-by shooting. But law-abiding channel islanders remain unsympathetic.

“I see they’ve passed a law stopping that Pato from coming back here after he’s recovered. Quite right too.” Complained retired share fixer Mike Hollabeck. “Cow-tipping and other youthful antics are one thing, but getting in cages with the animals? That guy’s gotta be some kind of pre-vert.”

From the hospital bed where Pato lies bandaged from head to toe, Banton had this to say: “Monkey beautiful like Jah. Pato tongue ready to begin again. Da hip hop lyrical robot wiv da one working arm. Can you call the nurse ma brother? This morphine drip isn’t working. Nyuhhhh….”

New Bruce Forsyth BBC Contract Lasts Until

2018

28/02/06

To BBC Television Centre, where executives today celebrated tying the ever-popular game show host and

self-professed ‘song-and-dance man’ Bruce Forsyth to a twelve-year contract worth an estimated million-billion

pounds.

“Bruce held out for as long as he could, but we used every trick in the book to get him on-board for the next twelve years, minimum." Proclaimed a delighted Ben Cooper, the BBC’s Head of Mainstream Programming. “With the success of ‘Strictly Come Dancing’ and our continued excellent ratings for Bruce’s many other projects, we felt it was necessary to strike while the iron's still hot.”

The legendary entertainer was born Bruce Joseph Forsyth-Johnson CBE in 1928 and entered the business of show wielding a ukelele like some kind of weapon as ‘Boy Bruce The Boy Atom’ soon after. Desperate to break it big, the young Forsyth worked a stage seven days a week, until he was eventually spotted gooning his way through several TV bit parts and offered a job as host of ‘Sunday Night At The London Palladium’.

During the half-century Bruce has spent working like a dog since the star has rarely looked back, becoming a household name with such prime-time light entertainment institutions as ‘The Generation Game’, ‘The Price Is Right’ and US extravaganza ‘Bruce Forsyth’s Hot Streak’. Often credited with the ongoing popularity of the idiotic/memorable catchphrase in British TV, Bruce can regularly be heard repeating such bon mots as “Good game, good game”, “Nice to see you, to see you nice” and “Give us a twirl Daphne”, meaningless verbal tics he indulges in both on-screen and throughout his personal life.

“Generations of Middle Englanders have grown up on a nightly diet of Bruce and chips, thanks to this historic deal their children and children’s children can too.” Beamed Mafia-affiliated Culture Secretary Tessa Jowell this afternoon. “By pledging to work until he’s at least ninety, Brucie sets an excellent example for the nation’s youth, many of whom will have to work to a similar age if they want a pension. Forsyth is a shining example of the UK’s work ethic - the strongest in Europe - and he shows no sign of slowing down. I spoke to Bruce’s agent yesterday who said that, God willing, Bruce has several decades of life left in that lithe body of his. Plus at least one more marriage.”

Responding to the accusations of minor celeb Civil Liberties groups who argue this pace is inhumane for a man entering the latter part of old age, the BBC had this to say:

“We might agree if there was someone to replace him, but Brucie holds a special place in the nation’s hearts. With Ant and Dec defecting to ITV, Dick and Dom flopping big-time, and Graham Norton being just too shit, we’ve no alternative. Besides, he’s a workaholic. Bruce doesn’t know the meaning of the word retirement. This is a man who celebrated his seventieth birthday by doing a week of one-man shows. We simply push him a little bit harder than he’d normally go, that’s all.

“It’s not like this is forever. When his contract elapses in 2018 we’ll sit down with Bruce and find out what he

wants to do next. If Bruce doesn’t want to go on working into his nineties we’ll respect that decision, although I

reckon Forsyth could perform longer than the Queen Mother ever did if he really wants to. All the way up

until he keels over, which will probably happen during one of his shows. Hopefully a pre-recorded one.”

Forsyth himself was unavailable for comment following these developments, although a close friend told HDUK

his response amounted to little more than a muttered: “I’m tired now, let me sleep”.

Ugly Kid Joe Now ‘Fat Old Man Joseph’

06/03/06

To the coastal suburb of Isla Vista in California, where recent times have seen the lead singer of long-lost

Yank-rock makeweights Ugly Kid Joe concentrate on the expansion of his waistline rather than the musical

career which ended when his band broke up in 1997.

“Whitfield Joseph Crane, or Joe as we call him, ain’t even forty, but he acts like a much older dude.” So says

Crane’s twenty-something friend, Dan ‘The Herb Man’ Lassett, a guy we found hanging round Whitfield’s house for the residue of faded celebrity which still clings there. That and the occasional arrival of a dealer with a big sackful of drugs. “Joe sits around the house all day, pointing at his TV screen and yelling how all these new bands are soulless, vacuous, focus-grouped nonsense, with none of the raw power of prime Ugly Kid Joe. Then he’ll get a bit peckish and send me to Krispy Kreme for a variety box.”

Ugly Kid Joe first rose to prominence on the worldwide rock circuit with their 1992 single ‘Everything About You’, a catchy ode to misanthropy which featured in the movie Wayne’s World, and became a permanent fixture on MTV back in the days when they used to show music videos. Lead singer Joe quickly grew renowned for his slimly charismatic frontman skills, quick wit, and unforgettable sense of humour, evident in such album titles as ‘America’s Least Wanted’ and ‘Menace To Sobriety’. Unfortunately the band’s subsequent cover of child abuse classic ‘Cat’s In The Cradle’ hit an off-key note, and by the time of their final record ‘Motel California’ UKJ’s glory days of opening for Ozzy Osbourne and being awarded Kerrang’s record of the year seemed a long way behind them. The group split and, following long months drifting through an ontological malaise during which he agonised over the innate dishonesty of the music industry, Whitfield Joseph Crane decided to retire from pop. Over the following eight years he succumbed to disillusionment and a thriving appetite.

“We call it the Marlon Brando syndrome.” US expert in Premature Aging Of The Worldview, Elvis Gigolo, explains. “Joe’s a prime example of an individual who was once at the top of his business, but since Ugly Kid Joe’s appeal became more selective he lost that will power necessary to rescue his life, or turn down the third helping of pie. Nowadays Whitfield Crane prefers to stay in the house and spend his days complaining about emo bands or trying new flavours of milkshake. It’s sad how the mighty are fallen, but beyond a potentially fatal concoction of prescription drugs, there’s nothing we can do to stop Mr. Crane indulging his favourite past-times; whinging about the younger generation and eating lots. Mind you, even if we could do something for him, I don’t think we would. The world’s not ready for an Ugly Kid Joe reunion tour.”