All-round minor entertainer Alan Davies, the floppy-haired family favourite who moved from mild stand-up to
acting in the TV detective show 'Jonathon Creek', has recently attracted the disapprobation of the RSPCA for
training his pet primate to perform in ways nature never intended.
As one neighbour noted: "I've heard about that creature Alan keeps in his toilet. It sits on the cistern and
skins up for Davies so he can smoke a fat blunt while he's having a crap. Then the monkey wipes his arse
afterwards. Sometimes it goes down the bookies when he's too stoned to move and places bets on the 2.30
at Newton Abbot. Then it keeps half the winnings and blows it all on banana Nesquik."
The monkey, which Davies has christened 'Fat Tim', was allocated to the star by registered charity The Helpful Organisation for Monkeys to Owners (HOMO). Ownership of the helper was authorised after Alan's GP, one Dr. Fruity, diagnosed his patient with nervous exhaustion, acute stress and gout. But, as an RSPCA spokeman puts it, "this is the same practitioner who prescribes Davies a quarter ounce of marijuana every day to 'relieve the pressures of fame'. I think we can safely assume that Doctor Fruity is some kind of a quack. Alan doesn't need a helper monkey, he needs to get a proper job."
When Home Defence called round Davies' house one of his regular girlfriends told us that the minor celebrity was "too out of it to speak". We could only assume he was recovering from a particularly strenuous evening playing idiot savant sidekick to Stephen Fry's all-knowing quizmaster on pointless panel show 'QI'. However, 'Fat Tim' did come out to greet us wearing a minature chauffeur's hat, making a full statement on Davies' behalf, the text of which is reprinted below:
Our men filing reports from the trenches - Bert Infiltration & Al Likilla
New Frank Bruno's Shadow Boxing
Video Game Branded "A Sick Stunt"
08/11/03
Senior figures in the spheres of boxing and video game production have
reacted with disgust to the news that small-time software development
house Bryantchris Corp is creating a game based on the recent
unpleasantness suffered by gentle giant Frank Bruno. The multi-level
extravaganza seeks to plunge an unsuspecting public into Bruno's mindset
at the time of his committal to a 'loony bin'. Various sections are planned, including a barefoot bicycle race
around the stricken panto star's neighbourhood, traffic direction while pretending to be a policeman, and
boxing one's 'inner demons' inside a ring constructed in Frank's garden. Early screenshots of the game, which
will be released later this month on the PS2, Xbox and PC platforms through all good high street retailers,
reveal a stunning visual representation of the world through Bruno's eyes in the days leading up to his
sectioning.
"Although a lot of people found the idea of Frank cycling up and down the road in his dressing gown funny, I can assure you the joke's worn thin. Although Frank finally won his only world title against Oliver McCall, suffering from some sort of breakdown himself, it's offensive and cruel to exploit his illness in this way." said Atticus Wolverine, spokesman for leading PS2 magazine CircleSquareLeftLeftUpL2L2L2GAME OVER Repetitive Strain Injury Monthly who will not be reviewing the product on principle.
Boxing commentator and close friend Harry Carpenter echoed these sentiments: "It's a sick stunt. Frank's had a rough time of it lately and the last thing he needs is people making a monkey out of him. Besides, I've heard the game's a piece of piss."
We at Home Defence would like to wish Frank a speedy recovery and also remind our readers that his illness is in no way funny - particularly that bit about him thinking he was Frankie Dettori.
Bruno & Friend: "Tell me you can see him too 'Arry."
Charlotte Church On The Benefits Of Taking One's
Own Water
30/10/03
Teenage singing sensation and the girl recently voted worst ever presenter of 'Have I Got News For You'
Charlotte Church has shocked thousands of fans worldwide this week by admitting to drinking her own urine.
The voluptuous star was forced to confess this nauseating habit after being caught in the lavvie at a recent TV
Quick awards ceremony by Donna Air who was said to be "disgusted" and "vaguely aroused" by the sight of
Charlotte pissing into a beaker and downing it. Meanwhile in the nearby cubicles unsuspecting minor
celebrities were absorbed in such wholesome practices as cocaine ingestion and oral love.
"It smelt of Rice Krispies." Said Air, still very much the flabbergasted bimbo. "I've never seen anything like it, of course I reported her straight away to Dominic Mohan, Home Defence and the appropriate authorities. In that order."
When confronted with the facts Church, a former winner of the respected 'Rear of the Year' award who has recently signed a record contract worth sixteen million pounds (making her posterior alone worth more than four million), was forced to admit to her nasty little habit.
"It's true," She grinned. "I take my own urine thrice daily for it's restorative and healing properties. The reinternalisation of tinkle is the secret of my success. Look how gossamery it makes my hair, shine-ee!"
In response one industry insider told us: "This is horrible. We've spent a fortune on this bird, how are we supposed to keep Charlie in the limelight when she's got rancid breath and her teeth drip with widdle?"
The star, who gives a whole new meaning to the phrase 'going into Church on a Sunday', is believed to have set aside between 10 and 15% of her fortune to spend on plastic surgery over the next five years in an attempt to make her look more like Holly Valance. However, if Charlotte keeps up the piss-drinking antics her personal life could yet infringe on brand marketability with even worse results than the recent flop movie 'I'll Be There' in which Church sang the Four Tops' 'Reach Out I'll Be There' in an opera stylee. Apparently. We couldn't actually find anyone who'd seen it to confirm that.
Last word on the matter goes to Charlotte's father: "I blame that delinquent boyfriend of hers." Said Les (36). "He ought to stop her doing things like this, but I've only ever seen him encouraging Charlie to indulge her worst habits, everything from sleeping until noon to penetrative sex. I suppose you can't expect him to put his foot down though, he's coprophagic for one thing."
Church: "teeth dripping with widdle."
Jimmy Saville Has 'Tracksuit Cancer'
18/11/03
The show business fraternity was this week rocked by the news that marathon running, dead-mother
obsessed, do-gooder, Jimmy Saville has contracted a little-known form of cancer caused by wearing
tracksuits too often. The veteran DJ and self-styled "Child Catcher" (94 last Wednesday) is said to be
taking it easy at home and hasn't left the enormous 'special Uncle' armchair made famous by his
long-running series 'Jim'll Fix It'.
"It's not a hugely virulent form of the disease, but one we are diagnosing more and more in minor celebrities
of the seventies and eighties." Said Dr. Rosario Cake, who is something to do with cancer at a hospital somewhere. "Not long ago we treated David Icke, and before him the likes of Mr Motivator and the smaller of the Chuckle Brothers. You know, the one with the big chin and bow legs."
Experts say Saville has a 76% chance of survival, although much will depend on his state of mind during the coming months and how much publicity the condition gets. Meanwhile friends have been sending gifts of chunky gold jewellery and big fat obnoxious cigars in a bid to lift his spirits.
Saville: "enormous armchair."
Davies: "prescribed marijuana every day."
New "Anti Fat" Laws for Celebrities Applauded in Parliament
05/11/03
Tough new measures to eradicate fat people from our TV screens have been given cross-party support in the House of Commons and these proposals are expected to fly through the Lords without opposition next month. The Ministry of Culture have spearheaded the campaign, which will be known as the "Rotund Entertainers' Bill", with the move sparked by the presence of two fat women in this year's final ten Pop Idol contestants; brassy, horny mother of three Kim, and Scottish Michelle, who has a big fat face with a disproportionately small mouth.
"It's a great idea", said Clive Trappatoni, spokesperson for the Campaign to Rid Telly of Obese People. "Big 'uns like Lisa Riley, Robbie Coltrane, Phil Jupitus, Dawn French and the ugly ginger one from Hollyoaks have been disgusting viewers for the past decade and it's got to stop. I don't want to look at them, and I don't care if it is glandular." The proposal is expected to become law by early 2004 and once on the statute books it will ensure no morbidly-obese individuals are allowed to darken a television studio ever again. About time too.
