London, and in the wake of the convictions of Adebolajo and Adebowale for the
Woolwich killing, those two men who sought to repair the harm done to Muslims
worldwide with murder and inspiring revenge attacks on mosques, concerned
citizens across the UK have been asking how the government can protect its
population from similar extremists with violent intent on their minds.
To that end the Home Secretary, Theresa May, today gave what’s been called ‘an era-defining’ and ‘really quite weird’ speech in the House of
Commons. In her statement, May detailed the coalition’s big new idea for homeland defence: to ensure the next generation of Trident missiles are
as equally suited to blasting terror cells off the face of the earth as they are defending national sovereignty from unspecified threats.
“It is vital we reassure the public, in the wake of this tragic event, that there is an effective military response ready, one that can be deployed
wherever terrorism threatens to rear its ugly head.” May told an audience of Tories who, minutes earlier, had been laughing at an Iain Duncan Smith joke about food banks. “To that end, we must replace the current system of submarine-launched warheads with something similar, all the while bearing in mind a need for more targeted explosions.”
“After all,” the Home Secretary went on, flicking her hair sensually. “We already face daily threats from rogue states, unstable
nations and foreign governments who seek to undermine our wonderful British way of life. We should not discount the
probability more individuals will be radicalised through our pursuit of wars for reasons no one understands in Afghanistan,
“The procurement of our shiny new Trident replacement will look into hi-tech options for firing
missiles ‘locally’ at smaller, home-grown threats.” Theresa specified. “It’s the same principle
the US government uses when making drone strikes on al-Qaida suspects in caves or
against Middle East wedding parties. I want Britain’s nuclear deterrent to be equally effective
at nullifying mentally unstable men who wave meat cleavers around in built-up areas. To wipe out this kind of risk at the push of a button
is, essentially, why I got into politics in the first place.”
The coalition then voted through a multi-billion pound investment in May’s plan, paid for by selling off their remaining stock of council
housing. Later the Home Secretary (left) followed up her announcement by pooh-poohing those who had expressed concerns.
She told the BBC’s Nick Robinson:
“Of course, any nuclear explosion on British soil is going to have a downside. But my government are content that collateral damage
in the form of multiple casualties is inevitable when conducting a ‘war on terror’ of this magnitude.”
“Besides,” May concluded. “If you look at the landscape of the UK, firing one of these warheads into the centre of Glasgow
shouldn’t have a noticeably different impact to what we’re permitting the energy companies to do in terms of exploratory fracking.”
Britain’s current, water-based ballistic system is housed within a quartet of Royal Navy vanguard submarines just off the coast
of Scotland. This nuclear deterrent was presented to Margaret Thatcher on her birthday by close bud Ronald Reagan under the
Polaris Sales Agreement in the eighties, along with a ‘Best of Vera Lynn’ album and some
fluorescent legwarmers. Back in those days of the Cold War, many believed it vital western nations
have a ‘Rapid Strike Capability’ and this took the form of nuclear warheads with a range of 7,500
miles that could annihilate millions. Although, as it turned out, the missiles took several days to
ready for launch, something that wasn’t discovered until one diligent employee got round to reading
Some argue that our enemies no longer include other countries since they are all now just as in thrall to multinational corporations as the UK.
Indeed, many have questioned the spending of fifty billion pounds to replace something so unwieldy when today’s threat seems to come from
suicide bombers and one-off right-wing nutjobs.
But the current warheads become obsolete within ten years, so prioritising a ‘like-for-like replacement’
remains a big deal in political circles, with dissenters arguing that this is one more symptom of
Britain’s unwillingness to accept its low status; with foreign dignitaries referring to us in private as
“some pissant island with ideas above their station”. What remains unarguable is that nuclear
weapons have only ever been fired out of submarines by fictional supervillains or within the pages
of Tom Clancy novels, giving ammunition to those who would argue we scrap the system completely and use the money
saved to lift British children out of poverty instead.
“Stuff and nonsense, balderdash and tommyrot.” Conservative MP for somewhere in the English shires where no one has ever
encountered a Muslim, Irishman or ethnic minority, Garfield Tinker (right), responded. “I believe it’s absolutely vital for national security that, on receipt of good quality information about suspicious activity in tower blocks or a suburban semi-detached, we can neutralise the threat before it unfolds.”
Mr Tinker continued: “I’m told the blast radius of these things is no more than five kilometres, and when you factor in the
100% effectiveness at wiping out terror, something even the Americans haven’t managed, you can see why I support spending
taxpayer money on this. It makes perfect sense.”
“And it’ll be worth every penny just to see those Russkis sit up and listen to Blighty for once, the arrogant buggers.” Garfield
went on as Mrs Tinker appeared with his pills. “This is the 21st century. The best way of taking out primitive threats is with
cutting edge technology and decisive action.”
“Of course, I have sympathy for those who say that wiping out a whole section of our country is a bit much, but think of the
propaganda victory!” The MP enthused. “One constituent of mine told me this approach was ‘overkill’, so I said to him; that may
be, but as long as there’s a ‘kill’ in there, I’m a happy man. Ha ha ha!”
Mr Tinker then experienced a coughing fit and had to go and lie down.
