To a shopping precinct a couple of miles outside Luton town centre. Here a branch of Londis has been sealed off by the Metropolitan Police
as they sweep in on local resident Darren Binge-Watch as he tries to buy some scratch-cards. The story of Mr Binge-Watch’s hapless
criminality is a strange and convoluted one, as the head of this operation, Detective Superintendent Penny Lopsided, told Home Defence.
“We’ve captured a very dangerous individual here, using the very latest in hi-tech police work,” Penny told us as the suspect was bundled into a
police van behind; Darren clad in pyjama bottoms and a hooded top while yelling allahu akhbar repeatedly. “We first became aware of Mr Binge-Watch when the cleverest officer on our specialist
team set up a Google alert for the phrase ‘wannabe suicide bomber’. This stroke of genius soon bore extremist fruit, with the Search Engine flagging up a social media post from Darren back in
the autumn. From there our experienced detectives read everything the suspect had posted online and were horrified by what they found. We spared no expense investigating this bloke, putting
him under surveillance then storming in and voila, there we are - another threat to the public nullified, once and for all.”
Indeed, the arrested man had recently tried to change his name to Mohammed Hakin al-Islam but was unable to fill out the paperwork correctly, so we’ll continue calling
him Darren. Darren (right) has a shocking Internet browsing history, one that incorporates a variety of anti-Western messages put out in recent weeks when he tried to
contact the more popular terrorist feeds. It seems that Darren was attempting to build a support network of jihadis but, unfortunately for him, these organisations
refused to interact with Darren, acknowledge his existence or even follow him back, perhaps because they thought he was a dick. This led Darren to up the ante in a desperate effort to gain
their attention and endorsement.
“We know the suspect has been ‘live-tweeting’ his attempts to buy dangerous chemicals and construct a detonator.” D.S. Lopsided (left) told shocked journalists when
the story broke. “Darren asked the Twitter community which of the Islamists he should affiliate himself with for these intended atrocities and even offered a sneak
preview ‘to anyone who was interested’. Some Islamists told Darren ISIS was now ‘the only game in town’, while others remained loyal to al-Qaida. A few claimed the
Taliban was ‘where it’s at’, in light of the second season of widely popular podcast ‘Serial’. One wag even suggested contacting the Real IRA.”
“But all these suggestions were nothing compared to the number of responses from people wondering why Darren was getting involved in something he clearly didn’t understand, with
@PreacherofHate tweeting: “Daesh will run a mile from your efforts m8, you fucking wannabe” while @ProudIslamist chipped in: “Nothing’s worse than an over-friendly martyr with a social
media account.” After a close study of his intentions, my investigators at New Scotland Yard decided there was enough evidence to make our arrest.”
In fact, a full run-down of the suspect’s social media activity makes for shocking, and shockingly inept, reading. It seems Darren Binge-Watch was inspired by trainee suicide attackers
including the so-called ‘politely silent bomber’, a man who recently asked his online followers whether he should attack a shopping centre or a transport network, adding: “Any advice would
be gratefully appreciated”. Indeed, that man who is now calling himself al-Islam posted the following messages at various times over the last month:
“Does anyone think I should try and bring down an airliner? How hard can it be?”
“Looking for a foolproof way to mass poison the infidels. PM me.”
“Which gets your vote – car, backpack or dirty? I’m talking bombs btw – lol.”
“How would I get something nasty in the water supply? All ideas welcome.”
“Explosives in a shoe or the seat of me pants. What do you reckon?”
The amateur terror-spreader even posted a clip on Vine entitled ‘first attempt at a suicide belt’. In it, Mohammed/Darren can be seen trying to fix homemade explosives around
his waist. Unfortunately they prove too heavy and fall to the floor, taking Darren’s trousers with them. This footage is accompanied by a comic noise and the caption – ‘little
help?’ It has been widely shared on Facebook, causing outrage and mirth in roughly equal measure.
“Of course, the media and security services now claim to have foiled an unimaginably dangerous plot of unprecedented proportions,” Terror expert Blasé Sneerer told HDUK.
“But I find it unfortunate, that the state tends to big up these arrests to justify its multi-billion security budgets and make David Cameron look like the big, tough daddy of us
all, protecting the scared little voters. That’s a load of old nonsense. As the case of Darren Binge-Watch proves, most wannabe terrorists are either mentally ill or idiots.”
“Chances are the only damage this Darren person would have done was to himself, like most of the home-grown amateurs we’ve seen.” Sneerer went on. “But it suits those
in power to big it up and call this a continent-wide plot with the potential for mass casualties. What we actually have is one clueless individual with delusions of grandeur who
received no training or support from ISIS, or anyone else for that matter. Even his school seems to have done badly when it comes to Darren.”
“What we see most often these days are men like this, running around outside police stations with meat cleavers, attacking
commuters with a penknife, throwing explosive devices into bushes when they fail, or recruiting adolescents to pack a
kangaroo’s pouch with explosives then let it loose on an Anzac Day parade. I mean, fucking what?
“The extremists I’ve classified as part of my work fall into two broad categories – the mentally ill or intellectually subnormal. That explains why they’re all convinced
beautiful virgins wait for them in some poorly-imagined afterlife, and that said virgins are the kind of women they'd actually want as lovers.”
“Incidents like this are evidence that a small number of confused or deranged individuals have been let lose in society, usually by cuts to
the mental health services,” Blasé asserted. “Taken by themselves, men like Darren don’t give us any indication whether wide-ranging
terrorist plots are a-brewing. No one’s willing to admit that though, not if it suits them to keep ordinary people terrified. But this particular
bogeyman isn’t very scary – he can barely dress himself.”
As Home Defence was going to press, Darren Binge-Watch was being interrogated about links to other violent schemes our busy overseers foil every day, whether that’s teenagers
joking about the Qu’ran on Snapchat, or a homeless Muslim man found wielding a pointy stick. Meanwhile the Home Secretary, Theresa May, has issued a statement praising the
police for bravery in the face of “imminent carnage” and promising to reconsider their recent overtime ban. As for that man who calls himself Mohammed Hakin al-Islam, he is
expected to receive life in prison without the possibility of parole.
