The MI5 base in London’s Vauxhall, where today the incoming head of the intelligence
service, Jonty Macguffin, used his first speech in charge to highlight the danger of
so-called ‘child fanatics’ across the UK mainland.
“We have incontrovertible evidence Al-Qaeida is infiltrating primary schools all over the country, grooming
children as young as four in their nefarious attempts to build a network of ‘infant jihadis’.” Macguffin told
incredulous yet gullible reporters from the national press. “This is a very real threat to our country, the biggest
MI5 has faced in its 98-year history, at least since the last really big threat. We have definite, if unspecific, proof
that terrorists are radicalising and indoctrinating British children electronically from bases in Pakistan and the
Middle East, using little more than a simple home computer and some kindly avatar on Second Life, or one of
those other virtual worlds children frequent. The next thing you know, some kid’s strapped up like a suicide
bomber, demanding to die for Allah.”
“It’s bloody disruptive,” Macguffin added. “There are thousands of them out there. Probably. The police don’t
know what to do. MI5 blames the parents. We also imprison them, as necessary.”
Indeed, recent months have seen a thousandfold increase in naughty and stupid children taken under the
wing of radical Islam according to one survey I’ve currently misplaced. In the most unsettling case, a five
year-old boy tried to smuggle explosives onto a transatlantic airliner in his baby sister’s milk bottle. When
questioned by authorities the child, who cannot be named for legal reasons and not because he’s made
up, refused to implicate his co-conspirators in the aborted attack. Instead he bawled and cried for his
mummy until the interrogators gave up.
This unprecedented danger has led to the proposal of a motion by the Home Secretary, Jacqui Smith,
requesting police be granted special ‘emergency’ powers which would include the ability to detain kids
for up to a year in special ‘holding playpens’. Here they would be dressed in miniature orange jumpsuits,
and denied the opportunity to watch Spongebob Squarepants until they confessed.
Yet civil liberties campaigners and child charities are firmly against the idea, while more cynical
onlookers ask why the police think they can spot potential terrorist behaviour in a child, when they
can’t even differentiate between a suicide bomber and an innocent Brazilian. HDUK asked the head of the
Metropolitan Police, Sir Ian Blair, exactly how his force expected to tackle this latest threat, to which he
responded by yelling: “I’m not going to resign!” in our faces, walking away before we could point out that
Measures such as these may seem severe, but recent situations prove them to be appropriate, particularly
the case of the Hereford & Worcester Six, a group of apparently well-behaved children attending playschool
in Droitwich who, unbeknownst to their nursemaids, were methodically radicalised every day during milk
break. When the pre-school was raided, counter-terrorism officers found a scrapbook detailing how to make improvised explosive devices, the ingredients for Sarin nerve gas and, perhaps most chillingly of all, a Barney the dinosaur wearing a homemade burkha.
The ringleader, a seven-year-old called Keith, is said to have fallen prey to the jihadis during a family holiday in
Bradford. As of writing he remains on the run, but Keith’s tearful parents, Roger and Katy Yonkers, have given a
tearful interview to GMTV’s Fiona Phillips, saying they never thought this could happen to them, and berating
themselves for being ignorant bourgeois twats. On live TV the Yonkers expressed regret at raising Keith in a
secular void, saying they believed the fact that he was white and seven would be enough to safeguard the child
from radicalisation.
“They were dead wrong.” Continued Jonty Macguffin, taking up the theme. “There are thousands of people like
the Yonkers out there whose children are dabbling in Islam, even as they host expensive dinner parties and
bake cakes. Terror suspects are getting younger every day. Just this week my operatives were called to a Croydon crèche that had
been booby-trapped by infants using a so-called ‘dirty toilet’ which could have caused great unpleasantness and
loss of lunch. These children must be detained indefinitely and raised in fear, even if we don’t have any actual
evidence against them, just a general suspicion they could ‘turn’ at any moment. Being cute is no defence, and
just because a kid likes his hair ruffled, that doesn’t mean we’re going to go easy on them, or their adolescent
When asked to specify exactly who these architects of evil exploiting our children were, Macguffin waved a hand dismissively: “You know, the usual, Al-Qaeida, extremists, nasty men. Do I really need to spell it out? We all know what they look like by now. I’ll give you a generic photofit, you can fill in the rest of the details yourself.”
“Running MI5 is an awesome responsibility.” Jonty continued. “Especially with our budget rising each
month. This is one of the fastest growing organisations in the UK, adding hundreds of new staff every
year, and that’s because of terrorist threats like this one which, I must reiterate, is very real. Definitely
not hastily thought up scaremongering, or our latest attempt to justify MI5’s enormous budget and
excellent rates of pay, oh no.”
“It is everyone’s duty to watch out for these ‘little bombers’.” He asserted finally.
“If Jimmy or Suzie appears to be acting strangely, if they spend all day online
chatting to swarthy men with beards, or if they’ve asked Santa for industrial
fertiliser and detonators this Christmas, report them to us. You’ll be glad when
we take your offspring away in the long run.”
