Hello citizens of the world! We are being Home Defence UK and you wish to come to live in our country, despiting the weather and the cooking. Ha ha ha! Do not be thinking it is easy. Oh no. This land of my fathers does not be the free ride or soft touch. Before you are starting the trek across mountain and plateau with only Boris the goat and two street urchins as friends, please be taking our special quiz. From your results my assistant, Daphne, is determining if England's glorious leaders are willing to take the exception for you. Refugees must be proving they are not the economic migrants, who concern themselves only with exploiting the welfare system, stealing grandma's hospital bed and deflowering our lovely sisters. The test is coming in three parts. The verbal, the multiple choice and the essays. Come on and debase yourselves at the feet of our superior culture, Johnny Overseas! Ha ha ha!
Part One - Verbal
(Select one of the below and record a response onto audio tape, answers should be not less than ten minutes long)
1. Using your mastery of the English language, attempt to seduce an 'it' girl while adopting a thick Brummie accent.
2. Convincingly impersonate a Shropshire man who has just been notified that a family of six immigrants are moving in next door to him. Mention the effect on neighbourhood house prices at least three times and 'the smell' once.
3. Learn to play music in the classic 'skiffle' tradition, then write three songs addressing the issue of why Liverpudlians are proud to be Scouse.
Part Two - Multiple Choice
(Please find an independent adjudicator to ensure you aren't looking at the answers)
1. Complete the following sentence: English football fans are....
a) ...some of the worst hooligans in Europe.
b) ...okay for the most part, although I wouldn't want my sons hanging around with them.
c) ...the best group of mates a bloke could wish for. Come here and give me a hug Gumbo.
2. After a hard week working at the menial service sector job I will inevitably end up in, I would like to spend my English weekend....
a) ...sending money home to my family who still live in the corrugated tin hut.
b) ...giving thanks to Jesus our Lord for allowing me residence in a country where I won't be persecuted for my religious beliefs (although I might be for my skin colour).
c) ...on a 48-hour bender taking in vomiting in the street, numerous incidents with teenage girls and an unspecified number of kebabs.
3. Traditional Bristish cuisine; the likes of fish and chips, black puddings and the 'hotpot' are....
a) ....alright I suppose but I prefer the delicacies of my own country. They remind me of home.
b) ...likely to raise my cholesterol to dangerous levels.
c) ...exactly what I need to get me through the day. Yum, bread and dripping.
4. You are a half-Albanian Serb fleeing violent persecutors from your home town on the Croatian border. If a northerner introduces you to her friends, where does she tell them you're from?
a) Czechoslovakia
b) Eastern Europe
c) Foreign
5. Where do you see yourself in ten years time?
a) Still working hard at the burger bar, but by then I might be earning a liveable wage.
b) Having made a success of my small business I'll regularly feature in uplifting 'swarthy outsider makes good' human interest stories in the local paper.
c) Sitting in a chair watching daytime TV. And you know what? People will love me for it.
Answers:
Mostly As or Bs - Sorry, but you don't have what it takes to get into Britain just yet. Go study the culture for a few more months and come back when you really want to be English (if the regime in your country hasn't thrown you in prison by then that is).
Mostly Cs - You've successfully embraced our national characteristics, from small-minded bigotry to pointless over-indulgence. Complete the other questions in this test and you'll be well on your way to our green and pleasant land.
Part Three - Essays
(Complete two of the following questions in 1500 words or less)
1. Describe our public school tradition of 'fagging', making reference to the valuable lessons regarding the master/servant role it teaches frightened young boys.
2. Writing in the Cornish vernacular, explain why no daughter of yours is ever going to marry a 'darkie'.
3. Summarise the history of cockney rhyming slang with reference to its role in the nation's oral history.
4. Ultimately we're all just subjects of the glorious and infallible royal family. Discuss.
5. Recount how those barmy Brussels bureaucrats are trying to destroy the English way of life. Include a precis of your argument explaining why no Belgian is going to take the Queen's head off your 'readies'.
