To the Heath Business and Technical Park in the town of Runcorn, North-West England. Today Home Defence attends the
annual Liverpool Regional Authority recruitment fair, which has brought together employers from around the globe for the
last decade. In 2015 the place is dominated by a new movement with much to offer the unemployed and hopeless in a
population centre that finds itself far from Chancellor George Osborne’s mythical ‘northern powerhouse’.
“Islamic State PLC can offer unlimited opportunity to the deprived inhabitants of a county stricken by austerity and
hopelessness,” ISIL Brand Manager Sterling Vodsel told HDUK when we approached the Islamic State stall which was
festooned with flags, extremist bunting and copies of the in-house fanzine Dabiq, all of it attracting young people, eager to
sign up. “We’ve been urging anyone for whom the system isn’t working to come and hear about career opportunities outside
consumer capitalism. If they want to bring their female associates, we’ve got women here and they’ll convince you to
join up.” Vodsel explained, motioning to a line of still and silent figures with their bodies entirely covered, “These female recruits left their homes for the cause and have just popped back from
Syria to share their inspirational experiences of being forcibly married to psychopathic jihadists, three times their age.”
HDUK then studied the propaganda laid out on the stall which included religious texts, testimony from satisfied recruits and brochures for splinter groups ‘ISIS Corporate’,
‘Lady ISIS’ and the cutesy ‘My Little ISIS’ (left). All the time we were aware of severe men in headscarves and jumpsuits scrutinising our every movement, as Mr Vodsel
went on:
“Of course, male employees are our main focus, but ISIL gives every gender an opportunity to meet skilled one-to-one recruiters,
who can speak for up to eight hours about radicalisation. They will help these new prospects decide whether a future in violent
extremism is the right career choice for them.” Sterling smiled, looking to the surly men in black. “And if you don’t want to go ‘full
jihad’ there are a number of alternatives behind the scenes for healthy young bucks including social media, back office IT or
supervising our illegal training camp outside Sinai. But please, read the terms and conditions before you sign up. Once you’re inside
the ISIL ‘family’ you could be deployed to a combat zone at any time – it’s a dangerous world out there.”
Indeed, although Runcorn police couldn’t be bothered to get involved and the fair’s security guards turned a blind eye, word of this fresh-faced terror group’s recruitment strategy
has been causing consternation across Britain, with Home Secretary Theresa May promising to “keep a close eye on job fairs north of Watford” in the future. Meanwhile experts
are being wheeled out to give their opinions, including head of Middle Eastern Studies at Mansbury University, Rob Datertainment.
“I think what this fair illustrates is the rising anger at shitty, short-term work that makes Britain’s younger generation desperate for stability, security and community of the kind only transnational terror
organisations can supply.” Mr Datertainment (left) told HDUK when we met in his campus office, decorated with photographs taken from Jihadi John’s popular Instagram account. “There’s a lot of anger
out there, particularly among young people whose state support has been taken away. They can’t afford university and have little opportunity
for work outside crappy McJobs. Yet they remain in the grip of an irresistible desire for the kind of gadgets our consumerist culture purveys,
or the kind of luxurious holiday Prime Minister Cameron takes every summer to point at fish.”
Professor Datertainment went on: “If you’ve got some grudge against the present economic system and its depiction of anyone who is poor
as inherently lazy, or the misleading correlation between the world’s 1.5 billion Muslims and ‘terrorism’, of course you want to oppose a
system oppressing you and your family. This is what ISIL offers, through its unavoidable Twitter presence, constant leafletting and several
YouTube channels of beheadings. So this kind of stall is inevitably going to bear fruit among the disaffected.”
“Sometimes being angry at the system isn’t enough,” Rob concluded. “It takes a gratis Islamic State t-shirt and safe
passage out of the country in the back of a van to act as a catalyst. It’s no surprise this offer of a new life in an exotic
foreign locale is enough to turn the heads of many, particularly if you’ve lived in fucking Runcorn all your life.”
Indeed, this former industrial town of seventy thousand has struggled since the British stopped manufacturing anything, with the local economy now built around the UK’s largest
incinerator and a massive chemical plant, leading one potential recruit we encountered at the fair to observe: “Joining up to fight infidels in Libya is no more hazardous to my
health than applying for a job at the chlorine factory” while another out-of-work twenty-something was heard to
ask “what kind of role models do we have round here? John Bishop? The ginger one out of Girls Aloud? At my school
the careers advisor didn’t have a clue, and it’s the same down the job centre. Islamic State are professionals, they
have a recognisable brand, a clear message, and growing infrastructure in place for a new type of society where
everyone is equal. Apart from the women. And the unbelievers. And the blokes in charge who tell the others what to do, obvs. That’s why I’m getting in with
them while the getting’s good!”
In fact, more than seventeen thousand recruits from across ninety countries have given their time, brains, and ultimately
lives to the cause in recent years, contributing to Islamic State’s success after being lured by the promise of untainted
morality, decent sanitation and a great experience in the afterlife. The numbers are likely to explode in coming months as
easily-led Westerners take the chance to martyr themselves in Pakistan or Gaza and, should recent growth be repeated,
the movement’s CEOs are looking to float the core ISIL business on the stock market early next year.
“These are exciting times,” Sterling Vodsel (left) confirmed back in Runcorn, where a number of young girls had just completed application forms to get back at parents who ‘didn’t
understand them’. These teenagers would then be handcuffed together, ready to get hitched to barking nutjobs in Damascus or Falluja, because marriage is a beautiful thing. “Next
year ISIL will change its name back to ISIS then look to expand into Turkey, across the Northern Caucasus and, if we can get permission from the council, the other side of the
Mersey at next year’s fair.”
“The world has truly been waiting for a compelling, apocalyptic vision of the clash of civilizations, one that appeals to disaffected
minorities who are really fed up with the English way of life,” Vodsel went on. “ISIL are switched on, hi-tech and ready to communicate with the kids on their own level,
via Snapchat or Whatsapp. History will forget all the pretenders to our terror throne, like Al-Shabaab or Boko Harum. Their amateur operations can’t compete with us,
over there it’s all primitive facilities, a hand-to-mouth existence and an incoherent taxation system in fly-by-night, so-called Caliphates.”
“Now I’ll hand over to Mokhtar here who wants to share his experience.” Sterling announced to the growing crowd, indicating a stiff Arab with his face obscured who
proceeded to yell the following:
“Allah is great! Allah is fine! All aspiring Western members of ISIL must know - this is a job for life.
Guaranteed luxury in the next world if you are blown to bits. The benefits are many and the downsides few.
Just shouty men, blazing heat, unreliable automatic weapons and sand everywhere. You’ll have a great
life – Praise be in His name.”
“Put your email address here,” Mokhtar went on, holding up a clipboard, “And we will start radicalisation process immediately. That way you can escape parents
who demand good grades, avoid pressure and debt at university, never have to find stupid career, settle down or procreate. Instead, choose way of the warrior
and live meaningful life. At least until you’re killed by drone strikes, or a stray bullet or heatstroke or something.”
“Runcorn has always been very good to Islamic State,” the announcer concluded, “And the facilities here really are excellent. When our glorious thousand-year
Caliphate has been established across Northern England, we’ll make sure to spare this business park and all its helpful staff.”
