Sport For The Housebound

Sport. There are many sports. For example; football, rugby, tennis, cricket, squash and

swimming. There are also pastimes that claim to be sports, but blatantly aren’t, such as

golf. Golf is a stroll with a heavy bag carried by someone who gets paid less, not a sport. Let’s ignore golf,

partly for the frequent crimes of fashion participated by those who partake, partly due to its contribution to the breakdown of the family unit, but mainly because it’s not a sport. Another activity that claims to be a sport, but is not actually a sport, is wrestling. Let there be no mistake, wrestling is not a sport but an art. Unless it’s performed by naked women in mud or

some form of jelly, whereupon it becomes pornography. Anyway, barring these and other exceptions, there are a lot

of sports.

Of course, sports are good for you. But is that statement not actually a tremendous lie? In fact, sports are

dangerous, riddled with both health and safety issues. Many require the use of implements sent through the air at a

high velocity, be they javelin, arrow, dart, puck or ball. The dangers are obvious, even when trained professionals are

involved. Yet a horrific fact remains - the sporting realm is not just for the experienced and enlightened! Anyone can

get involved! There are no limits, no restraints! Ordinary plebs need a licence to drive a car, or even watch a

television, yet an eight-year old child can buy a rugby ball from a high street store without anyone batting an eyelid

or furrowing a brow.

Furthermore, sports require interaction with other members of the human race, and for the most part humanity is an excitable bunch, riddled with erratic tendencies. The world’s population lives in a constant state of fear, and rightly so, as this keeps us on our toes. All we can do in the course of our daily lives is wait and see whether any of the people we come into contact with will; (a) shout at you for no reason, (b) stab you with something sharp and pointy, or (c) explode. The human race is not to be trusted! And certainly not when it comes to sport. The rules of football are clearly defined, yet many players persist in pushing, slapping, or biting during a match, when they should really save that for the evenings spent sexually abusing fans in expensive hotel rooms. On the pitch they know such actions can result in a yellow or red card, and off it a sexual assault charge or herpes, yet they are unable to control their violent passions.

The use of exercise in sheering off excess weight and stopping your heart from becoming an ineffective

cheese-sodden ball of flab is well documented, though not necessarily proven. It’s even alleged that

exercise might bring an end to the appearance of unsightly bedsores, accrued by the more sedentary

members of the human ilk, but the evidence gathered thus far remains unreliable. For those of us who

get a sweat on just walking to the lavatory, border on heart failure trying to squeeze out the remains of

our Pot Noodle-based diet, then have to crawl back into bed, the suggestion of sporting activity might

lure our sorry souls toward the reality beyond our front door. But if this resulted in a massive coronary

episode, any sudden involvement in sport could be a rather bad idea. In order to avoid such drastic and

unnecessary action, it’s appropriate for our kind to consider sport without actually getting involved in it.

For some people, participation in sport is simply a way of joining a tribe. Here sport removes barriers and allows us to become close to likeminded people who will verbally, physically, and maybe even psychically, abuse people who don’t wear the same colours. Such hate-mongering can be a simple means of fun for all the family, unless one of your relatives supports a different team. Then they’re not only on their own, but living in the garage with limited access to light. Fans come together to support each other through times of disaster and triumph, a truism that applies to all teams, bar one. This team is Tottenham Hotspur. Supporters of Tottenham hate other Spurs fans, and are filled with a deep and constant self-loathing. Avoid this tribalism and simply buy a football shirt or

similar item. That way you automatically become part of a team and contribute to their future success. Of

course, you haven’t actually done any sport, but somehow you’ll feel like you have. Also, you can order such

merchandise online without needing to rise from your comfy swivel chair. Watch the scores come in over the

internet, cheer at the correct moments, and, if you have a webcam, wave a fist at the world to show your

support or irritation. Oh, the fun to be had!

And if you think I’ve forgotten about exercise, please don’t panic, for the results of sport are easy to reproduce. One of the useful side effects of being lazy and spending hours lurking around online chatrooms while scarfing donuts, is that physical exertion becomes that much more exerting. Whereas it takes a group of trained athletes a long work-out to get a stitch and feel like they’re going to faint, a person who has done very little exercise during their life will reach a sweaty, half-dead, state much quicker. Try walking to the bathroom instead of using that two-litre bottle by your chair. This is exercise, and much more hygienic. Try carrying your snacks to the computer, one item at a time. If, for example, you are eating biscuits, don’t bring the whole pack. Go and get them one by one. Although be careful, a family sized packet of crisps might be too much for you to cope with.