Next month the whole of Great Britain, that most magnificent country there is, will throng the streets;
dancing about awkwardly and enjoying a drunken party to celebrate the archaic and mysterious forces of
Royalty who have always oppressed the land (and continue to enjoy our tax donations with nary a twinge of
conscience). Royal watchers, peasants and alcoholics will all take part in violent revelry over a four-day
weekend, getting messed up to celebrate six decades of being ruled over by our Octogenarian Queen; the she-wolf possessor
of intense charisma, secret magical powers and a racist husband.
Generously and sanctimoniously, the unwashed masses have an extra day off work, to think about
how grateful we are at having a lovely lady ruling over us while most modern states reject notions of
monarchy, wizards, elves, dragon-slaying and unicorns. Many events will keep us simple-minded
plebs entertained. So whether you’re a little Englander looking to celebrate this once-in-a-lifetime occasion, or visiting British shores to witness
our quaint and faintly retarded ways first-hand, you’ll be needing the exclusive HDUK guide to all the horseguards, horseplay and horseshit that
takes place during the Queen’s Diamond Jubilee!
- A special commemorative, collectible coin will be issued for the public to buy, shiny enough to distract the populace from the double-dip recession, rising unemployment and the hopelessness that blights every single day of their pathetic lives, while also being just about affordable (if you’ve been a careful saver all your life).
- Thanks to the miracles of modern science, Prince Philip will be kept alive for the entire summer.
- In a nod to progress, the modern world, and the lives of ordinary people everywhere, newlyweds Kate and William
are to legally separate before filing for divorce, admitting they “rushed into” last year’s wedding, and the whole event
was basically ill-thought out and should never have happened.
- There will be loads of really good fireworks. Loads.
- In carefully choreographed scenes at St James’s Park, Princess Anne and her daughter Zara Philips will climb onto prize fillies
simultaneously.
- Door-to-door spot checks by police and trained hairdressers will ensure forelocks are being maintained at the required length, and
tugged at least twice an hour.
- The armed services to troop and pose and march for all they’re worth, performing on command like some kind of bloomin’ circus act.
- Sarah Ferguson (right) will hold a ‘bring and buy sale’ in the car park of her latest residence, an ex-council house on the outskirts
of Luton. Sellers should be aware there is a twenty pound pitch charge, cash only.
- An extended period of celebratory rioting from the under sixteens.
- Prince Andrew to be airdropped onto the Falklands, protecting our sovereign isles from “those damn Argies”. Unfortunately he will succeed
only in creating an international incident and have to be flown back the following day, covered in a blanket and hiding from the media like
a murder suspect.
- The extended Royal family to have a really, really large lunch.
- The Duchess of Cornwall will be flown over the city, drawing astonished cries from watching crowds.
- A bunch of trees are to be planted at secret locations across the country, including a batch near Epsom so Her Maj can have a sneaky
bet on the gee-gees when no one’s looking.
- Prince Harry is scheduled to go on the bender to end all benders, this pub crawl taking in the entire Commonwealth in the company of drinking buddies Chelsey, Mimsy, Poopsy and Auberon. Harry will only pause in his consumption to procure “the strongest skunkweed known to man” from his contact (‘Jah’) in a suburb of Kingston, Jamaica.
- As part of her tour of the capital, the Queen will visit a lido in Walthamstow, open a multi-storey car park near Dalston and lay
flowers on Peckham Ice Rink in memory of the latest victims of ice skating-related gang violence.
- A million tourists to fill London’s streets, going nowhere and looking confused while waving flags and espousing Patriotism as if
it all fucking meant something.
- A special concert at Buckingham Palace will feature some of Her Majesty’s favourite live acts including Sting, Elton John, Lightning Bolt,
Tom Jones, Adele, Olly Murs, The Locust, Nicky Minaj, JLS and, at the special request of Prince Edward, dubstep pioneer Skrillex.
- Our nation will spend all of Bank Holiday Monday watching a carriage procession, RAF flypast and the ceremonial removal of Occupy
protestors from the grounds of St Paul’s cathedral.
- The Queen to go on a special visit to each of her palaces across the country, issuing a special commemorative t-shirt with ‘Queen’s Diamond
Jubilee Tour 2012’ stencilled on the back in an exclusive Royal Family font (designed by Stella McCartney). This highly collectible item of clothing
is available at just £25 a pop, from her new website – findqueenie.com.
- The entire family will enjoy a bunch of holidays in exotic climes, linking them to the Jubilee somehow so these trips can be written off as ‘work’
rather than ‘holiday’ or ‘doss’.
So much to look forward to there! Your time ruling over us has just flown by ma’am! Gawd bless yer Mrs. Queen, and here’s to the
