R.I.P. Madonna – Her Music Had The Same Effect As A US Bombing
Madonna, best known for her ability to pray and bench press her bodyguard (‘Big Tone’) for over twenty
minutes, has died today after swallowing her own foot while mastering a particularly obscure yoga move. The
position involved temporarily slicing off her limb and slotting it into her mouth, an ancient practice developed by
the late Victorians which is said to alleviate the desire for food. Madonna Ciccone, who was 70% muscle when
she passed, has been in a constant state of hunger for thirty-five years. Like one of the homeless, only without
Madonna’s death has affected many, with people across the nation struggling to hold in the grief, covering their true feelings by pretending to smile, punching the air, bellowing high-pitched obscenities and buying a round of doubles for everyone in the pub. When asked how he felt about the Madonna’s passing, one punter told Home Defence: “Buy me another fwarcking drink an’ I’ll tell ya.” That’s all this reporter wants to say about the evening that followed.
Madonna rose to fame after beating an angular Sean Penn into a more symmetrical shape. Penn went on to have
an outstanding movie career, drawing on the agonising physical pain of his relationship to play roles such as a
child abuse victim or pussy-whipped psychopath. Word soon spread of his scary wife and impressed music execs
were recorded as saying: "She’s brassy; she has hair in all the right places, I’d like to….<deleted>" These Mafioso
musical enthusiasts had a taste for tough women and Madonna was willing to ‘get medieval,’ for them, boasting;
“I will use my power to fight injustice” while sipping a can of Tennants from a brown paper bag.
Throughout her overlong career Madonna was notorious for her many image transformations, with fans impressed
at her ability to dye her hair and change clothes regularly. Once she even wore a cowboy hat.
Yet Madonna seemed equally influenced by the broken girls who loiter around the streets of Soho, illuminated by the neon lights emanating from cult bookstores. It was only when she turned forty and noticed parts of her body turning a primary yellow colour with hints of squishy black, that Madonna first experienced a sense of her own mortality.
Soon Madonna had joined a religion so obscure she instantly became its enlightened figurehead, performing peculiarly compelling
but ultimately meaningless shows to thousands of hysterical followers, just like a real messiah.
Madonna has led a controversial career. In some of her shows she would lie on a bed and masturbate with a
crucifix while her head rotated 360 degrees and green bile spewed from her mouth. At other times she sung a
disturbing medley of her hit songs. History will chiefly remember ‘Madge’ as someone who chewed on her foot
and died because of it, but Madonna Louise Horatio Ciccone left a deep imprint on English culture in other
ways, forcing private school educated Guy Ritchie to act like a cockney because she "liked a bit of rough".
Ritchie went on to make dark, introspective movies about implausible cockneys which eventually destroyed
the UK film industry. Perhaps that will be her true legacy.
Jade - A Princess Diana For The Reality TV
Generation, Except Racist
Jade Goody, an ordinary young woman, was catapulted to fame by her lively personality, charming lack of
intelligence, and ungraspable appeal for Heat magazine readers. Jade was born on reality TV and has now
died within full view of the media’s binoculars. Many say the interest in watching Jade’s life fall apart,
ending in an agonizing death, is due to a widespread desire to be pathologists. One member of the
morbidly inclined public said: “Watching her hair fall out was satisfying, but the money shot was when her
eyes went cold and Jade’s whole body stiffened from rigor mortis.”
Heat magazine and some broadsheets paid tribute to Jade by publishing photos of her two sons clambering onto a hospital bed and shaking her lifeless body in an attempt to wake her up. Lengthy articles were published beneath the photo, pointing out the sons’ ignorance since Jade was actually dead. What wallies.
The Daily Mail came into its own during Jade’s rapid decline from a virulent, though very commercial, form of cancer. This disease chewed her up from the inside out, provoking a pain even the finest gossip journalist couldn’t accurately convey, although many tried. Some descriptions included: ‘Feeling like she’d been punched on the arm by her little brother, but worse.’ While another moaned: ‘It was as if she had forgotten her keys, but worse.’ Another emoted: ‘Jade was very profitable and it’s sad for all of us.’
Journalists’ ability to capture the mood of the nation by publishing slow-motion videos of Jade’s physical
deterioration were criticized as flawed for not securing a live feed around the time of the autopsy. Reporters
hit back by saying they had given plenty of vivid, expert descriptions of what her guts would look like;
mostly black and mossy green. Meanwhile three reporters lost their lives after being fired from a cannon
towards Jade's hospital-room window. This trio expired clutching their microphones, notepads, and plastic
penny bags for tissue samples.
The public’s fervid need for pictures of Jade’s tampons, pregnancy tests, and French symbolist poetry archive, came alongside rumours that she was castigated and ignored by the press for alleged racism, whereupon many realised the only way to achieve another big pay-day was for Jade to die or be forgiven.
Shortly afterwards OK! Magazine employed a team of crack ex-CIA agents to assassinate her in the nicest way possible, lining Jade’s wetsuit with crispy bacon flu. When that failed, agents tried to rig up a small explosion in one of her favourite Cuban cigars.
These schemes didn’t work out, but fortunately Jade developed a terrible, incurable cancer that would go on to mush
up her guts, eventually making two children motherless and her idiot husband a widow. A spokesman for the group
mind that is media, said: "Thank God nature can be so cruel." before violently snorting a line of coke from his
In a touchingly contrived wedding ceremony shortly before Jade’s expiry, journalists were able to stuff themselves
with canapés, drink chilled red wine from paper cups, and feel as if they were a part of something wonderful. Jade will
live on in the hearts of the nation and continue to contribute to the economy via rehashed photographs of her vomiting
attacks and fingernail loss. Yet many will soon forget Jade, what with the imminent and horrific deaths of Amy
Whinehouse and Kerry Katona.
