Vladimir Putin is the most successful Russian ruler of the modern era. A former KGB officer and world-renowned he-man, VP
came to power in 1998 after ‘encouraging’ an increasingly dissolute Boris Yeltsin to stand down and spend more time with his
liquor cabinet.
During Putin’s first decade in power, the Russian economy went from strength to strength, while Vlad was admired by
impoverished peasants, thick-necked businessmen, and world rulers alike. But his position as ‘leader for life’ appeared in jeopardy when someone discovered an ancient mandate limiting the Russian Presidency to two terms.
But thanks to an innovative approach to the politics of rule, after stepping down for a bit, Vladdy Boy was returned with a thumping majorityearlier this year. Those in the know already predict another landslide victory for him in the 2018 election, while news of Putin’s re-ascent to thetop job was greeted with widespread rejoicing (aside from a few hundred thousand who exercised their democratic right to protest on the streetwhich is, of course, entirely their prerogative).With Vladimir’s rule assured until 2024 and beyond, what better time to gain an insight into Russian Time’s ‘Man of the Century’? HomeDefence was granted unique access to The Vladster at the Moscow headquarters of his Foreign Intelligence Services. Once there, we wereushered into a comfy, spacious cell, where Putin, dressed in an expensive suit under his silk dressing gown, belied his inscrutable reputationby smiling from ear to ear and giving HDUK a big, manly hug.We settled in to eat sushki and drink Russian tea, poured by Putin himself from a lovely, ornate Samovar, with his black Labrador ‘Bruce Lee’curled up nearby. Indeed, the only sign that I wasn’t in Mr.Putin’s front room came with his two ‘personal assistants’ who flanked the RussianPresident throughout. This massive pair of Cossacks, Genghis and Simon, were both clad in wolf skin and kept their arms folded,occasionally grunting, sniffling or nodding their agreement while we talked. Meanwhile Putin showed off what, I must admit, is some reallyexcellent English….HDUK: “Thank you for inviting us to your humble work abode Mr. Putin. You must be a very busy man.”
VP: “No problem, no problem. It is my pleasure. Do you like it here? The toilets are exceptional. Have you tried them?”
HDUK: “Not yet.”
VP: “Oh, you must. Dive in before you go. I know many Westerners say Japan is at the cutting edge of toilet seat technology, but they have never done one on Mother Russia. Ha ha.”
HDUK: “Ha Ha. No.”
VP: “Ha ha. But seriously, don’t be afraid to dump a load. The plumbing can take it.”
HDUK: “Of course, and if I may say Mr. Putin, this has been quite the year for you, what with being returned as President and everything.”
VP: “Yes indeed, I would like to take this opportunity to thank the Russian people, through your excellent online publication, for
giving me such a resounding victory. It leaves me most humble, and I promise to do the best I can for many years to come. Many,
many, many years.”
HDUK: “And yet your route back into power wasn’t without it’s little, er, hiccups…”
VP: “You mean the ‘Pussy Riot’ episode? Well, contrary to what your foreign news media would have us believe, I had no
involvement in that case. Aside from as an uninterested observer.”
HDUK: “No?”
VP: “No. This is why I’ve invited you here today my friend, to put the record straight. More tea?”
HDUK: “Nice one, cheers.”
VP: “What was said about me and my supposed ‘meddling’, it is ridiculous! I do not have time to intervene in court cases; I am busyruling a country! Do they not know how much time I spend on the phone every week, arguing with the Ukraine about natural gasprices?”HDUK: “I certainly don’t.”VP: “Too damn long, that’s for sure. Hours; every single time we put them up. Whiny little bitches.” HDUK: “That sounds horrible.”VP: “And does your Prime Minister, the puffin-faced one, does he get involved each time some idiot disrupts your boat race? Or a television director receives his golden handshake? Or a comedian cheats on his tax returns?”
HDUK: “Um.”
VP: “Of course he doesn’t, that would be ridiculous. In Russia we have laws against certain behaviours. If you break that law, you will be punished. Otherwise hooligans would run loose in the streets. Like your country, with all the rioting.”
HDUK: “I guess so.”
VP: “In Russia we do not have riots, Although, to play the advocate of the devil, our economy has not gone completely down the
shitter. Ha ha!” [At this point the Cossacks joined in with Vlad’s laughter for a brief period before suddenly going silent again.]
HDUK: “But President Putin, you must admit that the sentences given to those young women do appear a trifle harsh.”
VP: “That is not my call. It is for the experts in our legal profession to decide. What I will say, is that I notice one of the rioting
pussies was released. That does not seem so harsh to me, being granted your freedom.”
HDUK: “No, but the ones still inside got sent to Siberia to break rocks until they collapse.”
VP: “Let me tell you my friend, those naughty young ladies did some very bad things. They desecrated a church, for example. We had to show other young women, who may wish to follow in such footsteps rather than be the good housewife, what would result from choosing the way of the pussy.”
HDUK: “A deterrent then.”
VP: “A deterrent, absolutely. What would your Englishmen say if Lady Gaga threw her meat dress at the stained glass in St Paul’s, then vomited in the font?”
HDUK: “That depends on whether it was part of the show.”VP: “There would be an outcry, yes. We take such matters seriously here in Russia. No upright citizen would wish hisdaughter becoming a pussy. Without making an example, we would see wenches in multi-coloured balaclavas popping upeverywhere. Moscow has enough problems controlling its tuneless buskers already.”HDUK: “I see where you’re coming from.” VP: “If you were to survey the men and women in your Middle England, they would say that criminals must be locked up andthrow away the key! We only gave the pussies a couple of years hard labour.”HDUK: “Mmm.... Let’s move on. Your country is going from strength to strength economically, bucking the global recession.”
VP: “We are strong, yes. This is because of good, firm men in charge. Men who aren’t afraid to root out corruption, while ensuring a good deal for all the peoples. It is useful, having someone like me in charge. Someone who everyone can rely on to know what’s best. Massive natural resources also helps.”
HDUK: “And you recently turned sixty, congratulations.”
VP: “Thank you. It was a wonderful birthday. Just an intimate affair with thirty or forty close friends, and a few dozen journalists. At one point I wrestled a bear.”
HDUK: “I was going to say, you’re in phenomenal shape for your age.”
VP: “You do not become a black belt in karate, judo, and something else I’ve temporarily forgotten, without being physically
magnificent.”
HDUK: “Ho ho. No. Those must be useful skills to call upon when meeting your enemies.”
VP: “I do not have enemies.”
At this point there was a lengthy pause as Vladimir turned his attention to the black Labrador; Bruce Lee, scratching the dog’s ear while cooing. After a time his attention returned to me.
VP: “I expect you want to ask me about Syria?”HDUK: “Would you like me to?”VP: “Yes.”HDUK: “Ok then.”VP: “The situation in Syria is extremely delicate. The Assads have been close personal friends for a long, long time and I’msure they will get through this time of difficulty with their heads held high.”HDUK: “Bashar actually writes an occasional column for Home Defence.”
VP: “That is why you were permitted to chat with me. I am a big fan of the writings of Bashar Al-Assad. His film criticism is superb, and his wife should really write a cookbook, along the lines of your Pippa Middleton. Her soirees are legendary. So much of the international media would conspire to demonise this lovely couple and ignore their achievements. Home Defence stands alone in showing the other side of my friend and his fragrant wife: The charm, the cultured mentality, the willingness to give Russia one and a half billion roubles for military equipment...”
HDUK: “One and a half billion?”
VP: “Bashar paid a very fair price for the weapons. He is a good man. When a few bad apples get out of line, making negotiation
impossible, why should weaponry not be used? An unfired cannon is an unhappy cannon, as my father-in-law used to say…”
HDUK: “I was going to ask about your wife.”
VP: “The Syrian question is a complex one, and Bashar has been much misunderstood. It would be a mistake for the West to take any action. The Assads have some very powerful friends, not including yours truly! Ha ha.”
HDUK: “Ha ha, cough. I think I might be ready to wrap this up.”VP: “You look a little pale Mr. Likilla. Would you like some more cake?”HDUK: “No, thank you.”VP: “While you are here, representing your nation, may I congratulate the United Kingdom on an excellent Olympic Games.”HDUK: “Yeah, cheers.”VP: “Of course, the coming Winter Olympics in Russia will shit all over them. But still, you should be very proud. I was impressed how
your citizens worked for free, forcing everyone to smile. I didn’t think you had it in you!”
HDUK: “That’s not really…”
VP: “You see, I am trying to build bridges between our two countries. We have been unfriendly for too long, it does no one any good. Yes,
Britain gave political asylum to a Russian fraudster, and you would let common thugs who beat our citizens on TV take over your newspapers, but we get past all this. Also, your use of a fake rock to record our secrets and send them to your diplomats, well…. but these are petty things.”
HDUK: “That’s very magnanimous of you.”VP: “What would you have done with your fake rock ‘intelligence’ anyway? I know what your secret service men are like; with their bowler hatsand umbrellas saying things like ‘Hello Tony’ and ‘Hello Control’. They are nothing.”HDUK: “I don’t imagine that’s really...”VP: “If I wished to assassinate defectors, my office would hardly use polonium. Too much mess.”HDUK: “Indeed, but President Putin..”VP: “Please, call me sir.”HDUK: “Sir. What exactly do you gain from today’s appearance on the Internet’s renowned paranoia and lifestyle webzine?”VP: “I want to usher in a new age of co-operation, of warm and friendly Anglo-Ruski relations. We are a rich country, a nation on the up, and you, very clearly, are not. But the UK people still have tourist currency to spend in our great land. Come visit why don’t you? We have magnificent palaces, supple Bolshoi dancers, breath-taking views from our Trans-Siberian railway and some of the finest trophy wives in the world. I hope Home Defence can inspire British holidayers to make Russia the place for their yearly breaks, rather than California or Faliraki.”
HDUK: “I’ll try. Not many people read it to be honest.”VP: “That is fine, fine; we can do our own promotion. You must excuse me now, Genghis and Simon will steer you out. Butmake sure you visit the bathroom on the way. You won’t regret it.” HDUK: “Thank you again Mr. Sir.”VP: “Time’s up, stop talking now.”And with that HDUK took our leave, optimistic about Russia’s future under a man of power and vision, thrilled at doing our bit for
international relations, and noticeably lighter in the bowel area. If you’re reading this, UK Foreign Secretary, you know what to do! Let’s
make Russia the destination of choice for everyone! I don’t want to hear any negativity about state repression, dead reporters, or bloody
conflicts in the Northern Caucus. Boys and girls just wanna have fun, and where better than in this land of gaudy nightclubs, 1,216
airports and some really good gymnasts?
This is Al Likilla, signing off for Home Defence. Dasividania!
