To the jubilant ‘Brexit’ camp, where the dust has settled following an overwhelming vote from
British citizens to leave the ‘expensive and corrupt’ European Union and strike out on our
own, just as we did back in the great days of colonialism (now taught in history lessons as
standard).
Yes, a hungover Nigel Farage, woken from his drunken slumber in a bush, was today joined by Boris Johnson who did a little dance in flip-flops. The latter then gave a
bombastic victory speech about how our “greatest of all countries” would no longer have any influence over the world’s geopolitics, not now the right-wing press and
little Englander mentality have triumphed, once and for all. Britain will now spend years painfully extricating itself from EU
enmeshment for no particular reason, like Stephen Merchant getting out of the back of a Mini Cooper.
Despite the superhuman effort shown by now-endangered Prime Minister ‘Diddy’ David Cameron and a host of other ‘Bremainers’ including Alan Johnson, Kiera Knightley and
tireless unfunnyman Josh Widdicombe, at the end of the day it simply wasn’t enough. This morning proud Englishmen everywhere woke to a new economic landscape, one
where everything predicted as a result of Brexit has now become horribly real. Yet the ‘Out’ vote are delighted with the immediate fiscal
contraction, run on the pound and ten per cent drop in the value of their homes.
“This is brilliant isn’t it? Everyone together like this, having a street party and glorying in how much we hate immigrants.” Lifelong
Brexiteer and Grammar School drop-out Seamster Chuggypig told us when we found him on Corby High Street, wandering near trestle
tables, countless England flags and people selling ‘as many bananas as we fucking want’.
“A bit of pain in the short term for anyone who has money invested is well worth it, for this once in a lifetime chance to take back our
sovereignty.” Mr Chuggypig went on. “And yes, I’m well aware no one knows what the phrase ‘take back our sovereignty’ means, so
I’ll tell you what I understand by it – the chance to volunteer on the coast and help load the Poles and Turks into crates. Then we’ll put
them all on container ships and send ‘em back where they came from!”
Indeed, many of those enthused by the unfolding Brexit horror have become personally involved in the mass deportation of non-British nationals, mainly because they’ve lost their
own jobs following the collapse in our financial services industry and have nothing better to do with their days. But for every thousand families from Romania or Italy
transplanted back to the land of their fathers, similar numbers are heading our way, with an estimated 200,000 hairless, middle-aged Englishmen
and women abandoning the lives they’ve built in Spain. These people have been forced to wave goodbye to an idyllic existence, basking in the
sun like reptiles and these leathery indigents will now return to a motherland of floods, patchy healthcare and unaffordable housing.
“In the lead up to the referendum some pundits poured scorn on the Remain camp’s scaremongering, alleging they were over-stating the case
as part of ‘Project Fear’.” Economics expert Blasé Sneerer told Home Defence as the implications of this once-in-a-lifetime fuck-up at last
became fully clear. “But each of the worst-case scenarios presented has now been entirely played out. Already 10% of UK married couples are
splitting due to Visa difficulties or impending deportation, our currency has lost one third of its value, the country is unable to trade with any other
nation and all indicators point to us having entered the worst recession in living memory.”
“What’s even more unexpected is that everything Gove, Johnson and Farage claimed has also proved to be correct,” Blasé went on. “Britain now has complete control of its borders,
so there are endless opportunities for the under-qualified ‘indigenous’ to become plumbers, GPs or waitresses. That’s great, although a lot of the newly-unemployed were previously directors of banks, so they’re
not really interested in serving coffee for a living. Still, there’s a real ‘feelgood factor’ about the place, with the English talking about ‘taking hold of their destiny’, even as the
economy evaporates around their ears and Scotland makes plans to flee the union for the EU’s bureaucratic embrace.”
Indeed, Prime Minister-in-waiting Boris Johnson captured the mood perfectly earlier, bouncing around a stage in Stroud like a
Womble on speed, milking the applause while throwing banknotes into the crowd and dribbling on about free cake. Bojo said
the windfall he was sharing represented a mere fraction of the £350 million a day Britain will now be reclaiming from the EU,
boasting this money was already being used “to construct NHS wards”, although when asked who was going to man
them, with much of the medical workforce decimated and EU nationals no longer allowed to stay, Johnson evaded the
question. Instead he called the heckler’s interpretation of reality “tommyrot” before beginning a chant of “resign Cameron!
Give me your job!”
But thus far ‘Diddy’ Dave has clung to his Prime Ministership in the face of this national catastrophe / unparalleled opportunity and Cameron is now desperately trying to contact Barack Obama for “a second chance and some trade, please”. He is also expected to fend off no confidence votes from pro-Europe backbenchers, all because Cameron was stupid enough to call a referendum in the first place. Yes, Diddy Dave now lies
awake at night, attempting to work out how to bring in statutes he derided as ‘impossible’ and ‘unworkable’ during his time fronting the Remain campaign.
“He simply can’t remain in post much longer,” predicted our expert, “Not with the pressure building and Boris waiting in the wings like some kind of malevolent,
Empire-building sheepdog. Just last night Cameron abandoned a press conference and had to be escorted away by security when a group of aggressive farmers
bum-rushed the show, demanding to know how they can fend off bankruptcy without grants from the EU. One of
them even tried to poke the P.M. with a pitchfork. Meanwhile his cohorts demand to be told how Cameron expects
them to find enough hardworking hardworkers for seasonal fruit-picking, when the only option now left involves ‘local
layabouts who might fill a couple of baskets in the morning, but then they lounge around the fields all afternoon
smoking bloody dope’.”
On the plus side, the UK industries unaffected by these sudden changes to the workforce or the terrible economic tsunami Cameron has unleashed are having a
field day, with the most heavily polluting industries now free to despoil Britain’s rivers and air as much as they want. Additionally, all EU worker rights are now
invalid within the UK, which allows jolly corporate barons to employ British nationals for peanuts, work them longer than
the ‘silly’ forty-eight hours a week the European Union once limited them to, remove the concept of overtime and lay
everyone off when they complain or got pregnant.
As ‘Diddy’ Dave desperately tries to shore up the situation by finalising agreements to allow millions of deported immigrants to turn around, come back and retake their old jobs,
he was also trying to draft legislation that would muffle the sudden escalation in air travel costs and mobile phone roaming charges. But few sane people were optimistic about
Cameron’s chances.
Meanwhile a jubilant Boris Johnson responded to the growing military threat from Russia, a country said to be seriously considering an invasion
of our ‘weakened’ nation, and also reports ISIS had been celebrating Britain’s exit throughout northern Syria, by telling Michael Crick: “The main thing is, we don’t have to
label fish according to EU guidelines anymore and we’re allowed to recycle our teabags. That’s what this fight was about – the little people. Certainly not xenophobia or my
personal ambitions. Everyone’s going to do a lot better when I’m leading this country, of course they are. Now forget about your plebby problems and laugh at me as I dance
a jig!”
