To the West Country, and the Cornish market town of St Austell which, this week, has been rocked by the disappearance of three fifteen year-olds
who vanished without trace from their comfortable middle class homes. Once the authorities began to look into this flight a strange tale was
uncovered. The trio who, for legal reasons, can only be known by their first names (Casek, Gorran and Phil), appear to have fled the UK to
formalise their allegiance with Daenerys Stormborn and those who fight for House Targaryen in their ongoing battle for the ‘Iron Throne’.
“These boys were reported missing by worried parents over the weekend.” A police spokesman told the assembled press. “Passports, clothing, and other belongings are
missing from their rooms, while the youths left a number of clues to their motivation, including a hand-drawn map of somewhere called ‘Westeros’ and electronic
communications with an online recruiter calling himself ‘Lord Commander of the Unsullied’.”
“Reports that these boys were last seen in a small fishing boat off the coast, or that they escaped the country in secret via a local
airport cannot be verified at this time, and are nothing more than unfounded rumour-mongering.” The officer went on. “What I can
confirm is that, assuming these adolescents have left Britain to join a ‘Holy War’ against Houses Lannister, Stark and Tyrell, they
will have little idea what they’re getting into. The Seven Kingdoms is a dangerous place, and very different from the fabled Cornish
lands these kids are used to. Their destination houses primitive people, all aimed at luring and brainwashing young boys; savages
who think nothing of public immolation, skewering heads onto spikes or labelling midgets ‘halfmen’, which is extremely offensive
to the little fellas.”
“If you’re listening - Casek, Gorran and Phil – stop this nonsense and come home now, for the sake of your families.” He intoned.
“You should be out in your school playground organising games of ‘British Bulldog’ or ‘Back to Cov’, not enduring a decade-long winter, laying down your life for some ‘Kahleesi’ you
don’t even know or being confronted by terrorist ‘White Walkers’.”
“And if anyone invites you to a wedding while you’re over there,” he concluded. “For Christ’s sake, don’t go.”
In search of further detail, Home Defence visited the comprehensive school in question to witness perplexed children being escorted into their lessons
by members of the Devon and Cornwall Constabulary supported by British troops. At the gates, groups of reporters were milling around, yelling
questions at disoriented pupils such as: “Do you think too-effective marketing helps confuse fantasy with reality?”, “How much of a problem is
in-breeding around here?” and: “Are they actually retarded?”
Inside we managed to bribe a schoolgirl associate of the missing trio to talk and so, in return for some ‘Apps’, Nefertiti Bogardus told Home Defence.
“Everyone says they never saw this coming, but I knew about their obsession ages ago. Phil and the others kept going on about their Queen, the ‘Breaker of Chains’, and how her fire-breathing
dragons were ‘totes a-maze-ing’.” Nefertiti (left) told us, rolling her eyes. “I think what this is really about is them fancying her. All of their bedrooms were
full of Game of Thrones shit, and I would hear them go on about that blonde chick, saying she was rightful ruler of all the kingdoms “as the daughter of
King Aerys Targaryen” and also “well fit”. Then Phil would say how amazing it’d be to give his life for the cause.
“I tried to tell them it wasn’t real, but Phil was a bit funny in the head.” Bogardus explained, tapping a finger to her temple. “Once he tried to get me to call him ‘the Bastard Son of
Keith’ but I wouldn’t do it.”
Indeed, Emmy-Award Winning Actress Emilia Clarke, who portrays the Rolling Stone magazine's number one character in the hit
HBO series, was shocked to hear of these events, telling Mother of Dragons fanzine: “Shit, more stalkers? I’m going to have to get
24-hour security back in at my house.”
In addition, the irascible author behind this best-selling series of fantasy books told a recent nerd convention: “What is it with young people nowadays – are they thick?”
George R R Martin, the man who literally spawned the hit show, went on to complain: “I can understand young idealists travelling into Syria to fight with ISIS, but this is
just ridiculous.”
The bearded American sighed before concluding: “Fucking hell, my work doesn’t half attract some weirdoes.”
Back in Cornwall, the focus is now on bringing these boys home for ‘deprogramming’, amid much hand-wringing about the risk of
radicalisation from criminals posing as fictional beings for grooming purposes, and also whether Casek's strict Presbyterian family
turned him away from the West and toward the magical widow of Dothraki warlord, Khal Drogo. Word has also reached other
parents, who are double-checking their children for idiocy and trying to ensure the BBFC’s ‘18’ certification is observed so that this
doesn’t happen to their offspring too.
Seeking further insight, HDUK contacted London-based radicalisation expert Dilip Poopeschti:
“These are idealistic youngsters; there’s no doubt about that. According to their classmates the threesome believed the exiled children of the ‘mad’ King, that one overthrown by Robert Baratheon, should rule all Kingdoms inside the great wall.” Mr Poopeschti told us. “Of course this world is hugely enticing to them - it's the chance to make a difference and prove their manhood against giants, the
King’s Guard or wildlings, and this should never be underestimated. It’s especially relevant round here, since the boys weren’t very good
at school and there aren’t any jobs for them.”
“We assume they’ve watched adversity befall Daenerys Targaryen, through those years she spent wandering The Free Cities, the death of
her whiny brother Viserys and all that stuff with the warlocks. But there must have been a turning point, one moment when the boys
decided life across the Narrow Sea as part of Targaryen’s ‘unsullied’ was preferable to working at their local KFC and slowly drinking
themselves into an early grave.”
“What I want to tell them now is that it’s simply not a good idea.” Dilip (right) went on. “We understand you’re unhappy, that’s why you’ve
been easy prey for pranksters misleading you into joining ‘Bachelors for Khaleesi’ over Whatsapp. But in spite of such romantic notions, remember that your poor mums and dads are tearing their hair out. Also, you’ve no idea where you’re meant to be going. Turn back now, before you end up in a dangerous part of Winterfell or working as
non-unionised eunuchs.”
As Home Defence went to press, unconfirmed reports were coming through that the boys had made their way onto the set of Game of Thrones in Morocco and, when this
proved deserted, were resorting to hijacking a plane and flying it to King’s Landing. Luckily the teenagers were foiled at the eleventh hour thanks to alert flight attendants
and their destination not actually existing.
