To the town of Buttcrack in central Missouri, the latest stop on the campaign trail of Republican hopeful
Donald Trump. So far this star of TV, documentary and naked portraits of himself has put in a string of
memorable performances as he attempts to take on the Democrats in this year’s race for the White House. During his public appearances thus far, Trump has both entertained and horrified the civilized world, emitting stream of consciousness insults about the ‘free and easy’ wife of equally-right-wing rival Ted Cruz, whipping up race hate or impersonating the disabled in a way that would be juvenile coming from a six year-old boy. But these actions have somehow only served to increase his popularity across the American heartland.
“I have in my hand a statement from a non-partisan gynaecologist clearly stating my penis is NOT below-average length, medically.” Trump began, to huge cheers from the assembled
abortion-haters. The candidate then segued effortlessly from the personal to the global: “The Mexican government is full of rapists - that’s a FACT. Sometimes they don’t even rape
their women but go for nearby donkeys or holes in the ground instead. When I’m President, I’ll make it law for them to build a giant geodesic dome to cover their whole country, thereby
cutting our neighbours off from the world.”
Trump (left) then rambled on about super-delegates, how attracted he is to his own daughter, the endless failings of the Republican Party and his
belief Vladimir Putin is a ‘real man’ for a while before taking a break to ‘get his head up and relieve the shakes’. During this period some of Trump’s
biggest fans in the audience were interviewed by a local news station.
“Donald’s going to make this country great again, I know because he keeps saying it.” Toodles Perentice, founder of UWFT [Ugly Women For Trump] told a bemused newscaster.
“Things were much better in the good old days he talks about, with segregation and no healthcare for the poor and deserters getting shot in the head and the only nigras anywhere near
the White House those ones mowing the lawn….”
At this point the interview was cut off due to a breach in US broadcasting regulations and Toodles’ racial incitement was drowned
out by the crowd who stamped their feet and waved loaded assault rifles in the air. These voters demanded the reappearance of a man
who has employed unassailable logic in his quest to become Leader of the Free World. Trump, whose name is an ancient form of British slang which means ‘to expel
noxious gas from the anus’, is the grandson of German immigrants, owns an inherited property business and has illegally denied housing to racial minorities on more
than one occasion in the past. Additionally, he is a four-times bankrupt, cheated on his first wife by impregnating another woman, once tried to sue Scotland, has
released fragrances called ‘Donald Trump’ and ‘Success’ and is on record telling Howard Stern he would have boned Princess Diana “without hesitation”.
On his eventual return to the stage Mr Trump raised his hands for silence before intoning: “I’m going to tell it like it is folks – what’s with all these
Muslims? Can we stop their religion happening until we figure out what the problem is? If anyone can help, please explain it to me using short
words. I believe we can stop these Muslims so that’s what we’ll do. If you elect me, probably I will. Yes.”
A massive cheer then went up from Trump supporters who began to shout ‘ISIS, ISIS!’, a chant presumably intended to show disapproval, although it actually sounded like they were cheering
on a sports team. At this point Trump yelled back: “We all know you’ve suffered in recent years because of that man in the White House. I say your problems are entirely his fault and
everyone’s seen the colour of his skin, am I right?”
The audience then cried out ‘The Blacks! Blame the Blacks!’ encouraging Trump to spray his invective more widely: “Are there some wetbacks in the crowd today?
Any liberals? Latinos?” This inspirational diatribe was suddenly interrupted by protestors shouting in the conference centre lobby. Perhaps mindful of the violence
that has been such a memorable feature of his recent rallies, with campaign coordinators grabbing women roughly and mulleted rednecks punching protestors in the
face, Trump was subsequently escorted to safety by his aides.
But his supporters had already been whipped into such a frenzy of bigotry, what happened next was both shocking and predictable somehow. To try and help us understand this tragic event,
Home Defence spoke to Washington analyst Rigid Remembrancer.
“I heard rumours that journalists around the country were betting on when the first murder ‘in the name of Trump’ would happen,” Rigid told us.
“But even they would never have expected something like this.”
“And yet,” the analyst went on. “If you look at the wider picture, it is somehow horribly inevitable, the way we've got here, at today’s ‘Lynching for Trump’. Now an
innocent young man is dead, someone who was simply exercising his right to freedom of speech by criticising the candidate for hatred and idiocy. Donald says he’ll
‘make America great again’ but we have to bear in mind that, to him, ‘great’ is a synonym for ‘stupid’. Trump’s policies, where they can be discerned, include deporting
eleven million non-Caucasian immigrants, starting interventionist wars that will cause the formation of more bloodthirsty terror groups and endorsing white supremacists
like the ‘KKK Grand Wizards for Trump’. From this, we can see where his movement was always heading, ideologically.”
“I mean, look at who this guy appeals to.” Rigid went on. “His supporters are mostly insecure men who think the US can be returned to some poorly-imagined past where they hold all the power and their fragile collective identity isn’t under threat from minorities who don’t know their place. Either that or they’re angry victims of late Capitalism who are too confused to see that Trump is a leading exemplar of the system which has destroyed their lives. Their fury might be inchoate and misdirected but it sure is plentiful and now it has spilled over, orchestrated by a blustering, red-faced corporate puppet with a low-IQ and what looks like a merkin on his head.”
"I’m just sorry all this had to end in a fatality.” Rigid concluded, glumly.
Reports of what happened after Trump left the stage at Buttcrack are somewhat confused, but witnesses report a group of protestors storming the conference centre while
singing anti-Trump songs about peace and tolerance. Riled up by their hero’s performance, a group of rednecks confronted them, targeting a nineteen year old student who
happened to be at the vanguard. These pro-Trumpers were then heard to say: “Look at that uppity nigra, he’s trying to steal our women – fetch the rope Chet.”
To cheering from nearby Trump loyalists, this black man was then hung from a sign outside a nearby sports bar while the local police looked on. He died in excruciating
agony while the authorities took time to prepare a statement saying they were “unable to intervene because of fears for our safety”.
While the outcry over this killing has been long and loud, lynch-mob experts expect to see more executions of minority groups between now and November when Americans come to vote.
This comes even after Barack Obama put out a finger-wagging tweet decrying the tragedy, although America's current President was heard to observe in private: “It’s no good pursuing this crime.
No jury in that state is going to convict white men of lynching a black man, not even in 2016. We’ve come a long way over the last century, but not that far.”
Meanwhile the Trump presidential campaign trundles on, with Donald pooh-poohing electoral experts as they tell him and Cruz that, due to
demographic shifts, it is literally impossible for a proto-fascist Republican to end up in the White House. No, Trump doesn’t stand a chance in hell,
particularly since he has managed to alienate many sections of the population including Latinos, the educated, African-Americans, the young,
Muslims, celebrities, immigrants, liberals, people who like their politicians to make sense and women.
In response to these claims, Donald Trump came out fighting, spinning an imaginary lasso in the air while delighted cheerleaders applauded and crying out “yee-haw”. Trump
then shot off some guns, ordered his multicultural household staff to prepare a lavish dinner and told reporters: “I can’t wait to get my hands on them thar nuclear missiles!”
