The Midlands of England, and 22 year old Building Society clerk Antony Tattenhall was this summer diagnosed with a medical condition that has become virulent around the world; an unhealthy and overriding obsession with the 'parts' of human females. Home Defence was quickly on the scene to discuss matters with this distraught young man as he tried to come to terms with the syndrome, known in medical circles by its Latin name, Pudendus Maximus. "What do I tell my parents?" Tattenhall asked despairingly. "I've been bringing girls home for years, convincing them I was normal with healthy man-tendencies. Now my whole world's come crashing down. I suppose I should have sensed something was wrong by my behaviour, I've always had a tendency to deliberately look at web-sites or magazines where girls display
their lower bits, and when I start kissing a girl it's not long before I think about what I could do to her quim with
my tongue or pecker. I'm so ashamed, it's a terrible thing."
The doctor who made the prognosis on Anthony is one of the U.K.'s leading experts on this newly-discovered condition. "When a patient is referred to me by their G.P. it's usually because they exhibit some kind of hyperactive or perverse sexual behaviour. That's when I subject them to the simple test I've developed." Dr. Fizzy Coconuts MD told us at his clinic. "First I show the man a
series of photos featuring couples indulging in a variety of sexual activities, all of which are either tolerated or encouraged by our society. These include fellatio, water sports, shoe touching, brown showers, gimp suits and bestiality. If the patient fails to become aroused by any of these images we bring in the live female subject - usually a student from Leicester university whose body we rent by the hour. She enables us to discover where our patient has an unhealthy obsession for by undressing, at which point we observe those parts of her anatomy the subject makes a beeline for. If it's between the legs then we have a positive and the patient may need psychiatric help."
That biological area the doctor refers to is made up of a combination of vagina, clitoris and vulva which, when stimulated, can become moist, allowing a male to fit his appendage inside. For most heterosexual men and lady lesbians genitalia holds no more interest than any other part of the female anatomy such as the shoulder-blade, heel, or nape of the neck. However, in what sociologists believe is a rising number of instances, this everyday section of the body (featuring at least once on all modern women) can exert an unhealthy fascination for some individuals. "The specialist told me I was an aberration then put me on a course of pills." Antony told us miserably. "But they don't seem to work, I still get urges. Only today I sent off for what I believe is known as a 'stag film' so I could see lots of lady pudenda up close. What the hell is wrong with me? Dr. Coconuts said I might want to try living gay for a while as a kind of shock treatment, but I'm not keen on the male body. I know as soon as a homo whipped out his todger I'd be longing for some snatch. What kind of sickness is this?"Around the country many post-feminists are appalled at the mindset of Tattenhall and his ilk. They told us it
had taken decades to reclaim their bodies from the hegemonic patriarchy, now these fetishists were trying
to set their cause back fifty years and finger them at the same time. Further condemnation came from the
Church of England with one anonymous Melton Mowbray Bishop saying: "Sometimes the good lord throws
up these mutant souls, but they must remember what the God-fearing people of our land already know.
That holiest of holies may be found in all of Eve's descendents, but it remains off-limits until a man and
woman are wed in a house of God. Maybe even later, unless they intend to make babies."
Meanwhile Tattenhall's Leicester friends have overcome their initial, appalled, reaction to explain to us how
they're attempting to reintegrate Antony into erotic society.
"We're trying everything to make the bloke right." Said one. "First we paid prostitutes to give him head and let him do one up the bum while we egged him on, but that didn't do it for Ant. Then we took him to a
lap dancing club and got this dancer called Stacy to give him a milkshake with her enormous breasts. The guy wouldn't let her make him come though, he kept trying to take her g-string off. That isn't natural. I reckon it's gonna take a brain operation to put him right."
On hearing these words of concern and condemnation, Tattenhall lowered his head and wept. "How am I going to face the lads at the football now? What are my colleagues at the Abbey National going to think? I can see it now, customers will come in, look at me, think there's that perv and move sideways to the next window. Only one thing for it I suppose, the drugs aren't working, so I'll just have to turn myself in to the nuthouse. At least there I can get proper treatment before it's too late." Antony subsequently called the authorities, requesting he be incarcerated in a secure psychiatric hospital until he felt ready to rejoin polite society. In response the police despatched a female officer who, on hearing Tattenhall's litany of woes, was less than sympathetic. In fact she was unwilling to cart him away at all, telling HDUK: "Boy likes his vadge huh? That's not a crime. He should stop beating himself up about it. If he's that turned on we can have a few drinks and I'll take him to meet my sister. No one's paid attention to her lovebox in months."
