Cornish Pasty Skirmishes Raise Possibility of All-Out War

CORNISH PASTY SKIRMISHES

RAISE POSSIBILITY OF

ALL-OUT WAR

31/05/03

In a development which threatens to escalate the recent war of

words between Cumbria and the West Country, shots were last

night heard on the Devon/Cornwall border as the battle for the

brand-name of the "Cornish Pasty" series of savoury snacks

turned increasingly nasty.

A local teacher, one Mr. A. Craig of Redruth, spoke to Home Defence. "It was very scary. I heard the bangs and the first thing I thought was that it must be some kind of firework display, perhaps some kind of special event which incorporated a dragster race for rural teenagers. That would have accounted for the sound of cars backfiring. It was only after my wife slapped me upside the head and I went outside to have a look that I realised the flashes were actually gun shots. You don't expect that kind of thing round here, this used to be a nice, local, area. But that all changed when the insurgents came along."

The furore began a number of months ago when historians working out of the Penrith public library uncovered what they call "irrefutable evidence" that the so-called 'Cornish' pasty, an appetising mix of vegetables, pastry, spices and the snouts of various animals, was in fact from nowhere of the sort. Indeed, yellowed documents preserved for decades by 'the North' apparently prove the foodstuff was invented by a Cumbrian man in the early part of the twentieth century. The records show that the recipe was likely stolen by the inventor's blonde research assistant with whom he had been conducting a tawdry affair. When things turned sour she took the blueprint and ran off with an Ostler by the name of Smythe, the pair settling just outside Plymouth where they peddled their tasty wares to an increasingly ravenous public for the next forty years.

A response from the South West to these assertations came immediately. The reaction of Derwent Reekel, CEO of local Cornwall business Trago Mills and doyen of the area's tourist industry was typical of the whole area.

"Aaaar, this be clear non-sense!" Said the company boss in an official statement issued last month. "Them paaar-sties wuz made by moi grandfather and 'is father afore 'im. Where's my lunch to?" Mr. Reekel then guzzled down a family size pasty inside thirty seconds for the camera and was subsequently led away to hospital.

Ever since the allegations arose the relationship between these two formerly polite areas has deteriorated

further, hostilities growing as each side attempts to manipulate the media for their own ends. The Northern

historians have displayed their academic credentials publically and arranged for all official documents

supporting their case to be made widely available while the Cornish have taken out a full-page advertisment in

the Truro Express and Echo which reads simply: "BASTARDS". Despite these controversial actions, the

violence last night came as unexpected and is thought to be the work of a militant arm of the Kirby Rebels

who have somehow got hold of a couple of shotguns. On the morning following the gunfire a stocky youth was

spotted retaliating with a strut through the streets of Padstow while brandishing an air pistol and hollering

"C'mon then y'dirty northerners!" at regular intervals.

While neither side is thought to have a nuclear capability membersof local councils have appealed for calm, a call which appears to go unheeded since, at the present time, makeshift armies from both sides were said to be massing around the population centres of Carlisle and St. Austell. Comprising thousands of sturdy young men willing to give their lives for the name of the nation's favourites service station snack, HDUK caught up with one of these units in the South West and found a proud people ready to fight for a brand name created by their forefathers, in-between drinking 'Cripplecock' cyder and marrying their kinfolk.

Investigations further up the country proved that 'the North' were similarly prepared to shed blood and engage in fisticuffs as they attempt to win marketing rights for the pasty industry, said to be worth as much as ten million pounds a year. When pressed for comment, a Ginsters spokesmen told Home Defence: "We've taken a conscious decision to ignore the impending conflict and instead concentrate on doing what we do best - make filling snack-size alternatives to proper meals the traditional way. The public likes to think of the beautiful Cornish countryside and frolicking yokels when they yummy down on our products. Besides, 'Workington Pasty' just doesn't have the same ring to it."