Special Offers For Guardian Readers with Mark Piggott

Guardian readers offers application form

These special offers are available to readers of The Guardian ONLY. To apply send a cheque for £13,000 and the slip below proving you read The Guardian.

Hello, I’m a regular reader of the Guardian and can prove it.

I am (delete as applicable):

Smug

Out of touch

Posh

All of the above

I currently live in:

Islington

Brighton

Hebden Bridge

All of the above

I am currently feeling mostly guilty about:

Global warming

Rwanda

Being a man

All of the above

I enclose a photograph of me wearing a beard and sandals, eating muesli and frowning at less aware people who like football and watch ITV.

Future Guardian reader special offers to include:

Waterboard an Arab on specially-charted CIA rendition flights

Create your own BP-themed oil spill in the Lake District

Melt the polar ice caps and watch the silly bears drown

Hurry! Hurry! Hurry! Send cash now while stocks last!

Ever wanted to relive the glorious days of the Raj, wear a pith helmet and carry a blunderbuss? Well, now you can. Enjoy an all-inclusive trip to the Karnataka Natural Park in Uttar Pradesh with The Guardian.

Shoot a tethered tiger as it tries to escape from its cage

Impress lady friends by posing next to its corpse

Mount its head on a plaque to wow your friends at dinner parties

Imagine the scene: a pristine coral reef in languid blue water. Fish of every colour swim languidly among beautiful sea-flowers. Float across the reef in a butch inflatable dinghy – and dynamite the lot.

Laugh as all the little fish go belly-up

Rake the sky with machine-guns as the reef is reduced to a smoking ruin

Howl with primeval glee as you exercise the power of life and death

Royal? Enjoy wearing fancy dress? Involved in Formula One at any level? Waffen-Reich Promotions (Berlin) cordially invite you on a special tour of Der Fatherland.

Cry and eat sausages in Hitler’s very own bunker

Tour selected Rhineland bierkellers with Nazi metal outfit “Death SS”

Picnic in natty leather shorts beneath the stolen gate from Belsen

For details of these and many more special offers contact Alan Rusbridger at the Guardian.*

*Sorry, no blacks or Observer readers.

Note: due to unforeseen technical issues the readers’ feedback section beneath this advert has been temporarily disabled.