Fill your day the Home Defence way with another delve into the
dark - but strangely hairless - underbelly of the nation's pastimes.
If you're a lady, why not spend your life cooking for men?
High-Pitched Nasal Mimicry
Annoy friends, acquaintances and relatives alike with this wonderful hobby that never fails to raise a smile. Simply repeat everything your victim says in a high-pitched nasal whine. Works particularly well with bosses, police officers and anyone threatening you with violence.
Stupid Pub Arguments
These don't necessarily need to take place in a pub, although alcohol often adds to the enthusiasm and vehemency of aficionados during this recreational time-waster. First find a like-minded soul with a polarised opinion from yourself on an extremely trivial issue, then get hammered and enjoy working each other into an apoplectic frenzy. Past favourites among the Home Defence team include: Who is harder - The Terminator or Abs from 5ive? Which would win in a fight between Ann Widdecombe and a Polar Bear? And with which Tellytubby would you have the most satisfying sex?
Shit Sandwich
Mainly for those with a culinary bent, this hobby is largely enjoyed by people who work in MacDonalds or Wimpy. Intended more as a dadaist statement than a practical joke, the enthusiast simply places a fresh turd (someone else's will do) between two pieces of bread, or in a bun, and serves it to anyone they feel deserves it. Obviously this isn't something that can be enjoyed for very long, since employers (and the authorities) tend to take a dim view of such activity. Nevertheless, good honest fun.
That's the way fella!
Suicide Attempts
An excellent way of getting attention and therefore handy for those solipsists who might be missing out. Perhaps you've just got divorced or recently been released from some kind of institution, or maybe you're just slightly dull? Whatever, a failed suicide attempt is a terrific way to get friends and relatives who might have forgotten about you to start taking notice again. Be careful though, there are some people you don't want paying close attention to you - pathologists for example, or undertakers. These are suicide attempts remember, always take precautions. Ensure the cuts are superficial, missing the major arteries, have someone on hand to open that garage door before you stop breathing. Most folk lose interest in dead people pretty damn quick.
Collecting Religions
We've all been pestered by representatives of a bewildering array of churches, from Jehovah's Witnesses to Hare Krishna devotees, but have you ever spent time talking to these fruitcakes? While all religions are scientifically untenable and packed with flaws in logic, people who get off on God are some of the funniest individuals ever to walk the planet, and the enjoyment to be had from joining in with their odd ramblings is second-to-none. Combine this with the assembly of literature from all 'Churches' and before long you'll be an authority on the lies peddled by such organisations and able to do a hilarious impersonation of a Roman Catholic zealot for all your mates down the wine bar.
Throwing Stuff Off Buildings
Popularised by modern literary type Iain Banks in his latest offering, Dead Air, this is as obvious as it sounds. Either a solo or team hobby, throw anything off a tall structure and enjoy the visual and aural effects as it lands. Melons, apples, televisions, laptops and glockenspiels are all good candidates. Living creatures should only be used if they are able to supply written consent. Birds (other than chickens and other flightless types) will be more than up for it, while cats might not fancy participating too much but they'll probably survive. I can sense what you're thinking; flying squirrels can't technically fly. I know, I was curious too.
Some 'Children of God' yesterday.
Recording Conversations
Are you the loner type, a 'world of one' and ridiculously anal with it? Do you rarely emerge from your steel hut in the wilds of outer Basingstoke and speak with other human beings only at work or when it's absolutely necessary? If so, why not carry a dictaphone with you at all times for a permanent record of these verbal exchanges? Tapes of such talk should then be kept and catalogued by date, recipient and subject matter, in your special 'Conversation Cassette Cupboard'. This pastime is a fantastic way to make those long weekends go by for those of you with no friends, and also a good method of proving to inconsistent people how much they contradict themselves. You'll always have hard evidence to hand so idiots who are full of shit will have no comeback when you play their views back to them, although you may be forced to climb down from the moral high ground if they punch you in the nads.
Why let those with degenerative diseases have all the fun?
Fake Disabilities
While I was on a pub crawl once, a wheelchair appeared. Don't know where it came from, it wasn't stolen (I don't think....). These things just happen when you're drunk. Anyway, from then on we each took it in turns to be pushed into the next pub and, no matter how busy it was, the crowds at the bar would part to let us through. Admittedly my mate Kev took it a bit far at the end of the evening, convincing a barmaid to lay her hands on him before jumping to his feet screaming "I'm cured" and running off down the street, leaving us to face a roomful of freaked and vaguely angry punters. But we got out of it in the end, and this incident got me thinking; with practice and the help of a crooked GP pretending to be disabled could net you CASH!. Depending on the disability it might also be a lot of fun. Girls don't mind getting nekked in front of men they think are blind, and whatever your condition you seem to get a lot more attention from hot chicks in general. Well, you do if that cripple who got better in Hollyoaks is anything to go by. Give it a whirl.
