With work taking up so much precious time, Home Defence UK
have taken it upon themselves to advise you of some of the best
possible ways in which to spend your meagre 'Free Time'
inbetween decorating your bunker and being terrified by world
events. Depending upon how bothered they can be, Bert Infiltration
& Al Likilla will introduce to you the finest pasttimes known to man
in an irregular series that could run forever, or may stop after this bit.
Anyway, here we go....
Why not try indoor golf?
Tramp Baiting
Fairly self explanatory. Stand near a 'homeless' and make as many disparaging remarks as possible before being threatened with physical violence. Key subjects of ridicule should include lack of personal hygiene, beard growth (where applicable), thinness of dog, quality of penny whistle playing (or other vagabond instrument), pathetic number of Big Issues sold and quality of super-strength alcohol being consumed. For example: "Call yourself a homeless? My mother gets through four cans of that before lunch!" And so on.
Stick-Hen
One for the kids, particularly if you live in a third world country and can't afford to buy PlayStations or Pokemon merchandise for the little bleeders. First get a nearby farmer to loan you one of his chickens - free range naturally, chemical-injected battery hens are much less fun and tend to either make a break for freedom or just sit there confused - then find a good sturdy branch to give to your offspring. Point the twig-wielding urchin in the direction of the bird and wait for the feathers to fly. The chase which follows provides exercise for the ankle-biter, entertainment for you and some excitement in the otherwise dull life of the chicken. I recommend filming the pursuit if you have access to a video camera, this footage is likely to capture many hilarious images of amazed bystanders, slapstick moments and traffic accidents.
'Flat Cap!'
Like so many nefarious activities, this hobby began in Exmouth, Devon almost a decade ago. The devotee will normally be accompanied by another like-minded individual, since attempts to practice this technique on one's own can be misconstrued. It works like this; while walking along, travelling in a car, or simply standing around in the street you should point and shout the words 'Flat Cap!' at anyone wearing the aforementioned headgear. Simple, yet surprisingly enjoyable - and no expense involved.
Shoplifting
Another well-established pastime which is sadly only popular among teenagers and The Poor. It's time to change all that; young or old, skint or flush, everyone should get involved in the exciting, high-stakes world of petty theft. To be honest, it's more fun if you're attempting to make off with something very large and/or undesirable, like a Vyleda Super Mop or half a dozen bath plugs, but any item can be targeted by the very bored. I would suggest the beginner start somewhere like Woolworths or Spar, where a combination of bad security and a huge variety of products can get you off to a flying start. Obviously getting caught is a big downside to this hobby, but don't let that put you off, the risk is the buzz and rubber gloves feel so much lovelier when you've taken them for free.
Putting On Weight
Not one for the fairweather fan. In order to enjoy any success at this hobby you really need to be eating most of the time, preferably while sitting down. Obviously you could try cannabis as a way of increasing your appetite, but personally I think that drugs are wrecking this sport for the serious professional. Essentially this is more a lifestyle than a hobby, and once you're in it you're in it for the long-haul. To succeed simply eat until you are unable to leave the house or sit on a toilet without breaking it, Who wants to fit into a generic-sized coffin? You're dead anyway - make those pallbearers sweat! More handy hints, plus a guide to high-fat foods, can be found at Lisa Riley's website jesusimafatfuckingbitch.com.
Classified Advert Responses
This one's very rewarding. First trawl you way through the local paper to find the most ridiculous items for sale. Then rig your phone up to a tape recorder and call the number listed, speaking with an obscure foreign accent all the while, perhaps Moldovan or Welsh. I'd personally recommend calling someone about their shed or garage to ask what time you can move in, ignoring their protestations, then hanging up.
Minor Celebrity Baiting
Finally, here's an exciting alternative to stalking for those who feel not so much obsessional desire as unexpurgated loathing for talentless TV has-beens. With a little resourcefulness it's not difficult to find out the location of the once-famous in your area; check the regional press for one thing, or ask those teenagers smoking round the back of the Old Perry Place. Once located, your imagination is the only limitation. Flaming bag of shit on the doorstep of Paul Daniels and Debbie McGee? Bouquet of flowers delivered to the door of Cilla Black bearing the legend 'DIE SOON'? Dumping the district's old fridge freezers outside the bedroom window of Paul Ross' gaff?* Use that anger people, take it out on the pointless, give them the downside of showbusiness in spades. I implore you. Hero worship from common men such as myself awaits.
*This hobby first described on the latest Half Man Half Biscuit album: 'Cammell Laird Social Club'.
