Merry Christmas, fracas fans! Oh yes. Falalalala la la la la. Very much so.No, I’m sorry. I’m all Christmassed out. To be quite honest, I’m not feeling very football-y either. You might want to consider that when deciding whether or not to continue reading. I won’t be offended if you don’t. I wouldn’t. Look, the likelihood of me actually writing anything worth reading here is slim to the point of skeletal. Seriously,I’ve got nothing. If we just agree in advance that you’re not going to read this article then I won’t have to write it. You’d be doing me a favour.Al? He never reads it. He won’t even notice. He only keeps the column on to torment me. Seriously - theman’s a dreadful sadist. Oh yes, and worse when he’s on the… you know. Sniff. At this time of year? Are you kidding me? It’ll be a Columbian snowstorm till mid-January at least.Look - if we put a big picture of Jodie Albert here, that‘ll fill some space…
Then a bit of pretend Fracas…
Ball ball ball, footy footy footy. Diddle, diddly dee. Hollyoaks, tum tum tum.
Manchester Chelsea Arsenal Jimmy Greaves Bobby Charlton Posh Spice. Random
bit. Stuff. Blah blah blah. Cultural reference. Pooty poot poot.
See? We can get away with this. There have to be a million and one things you could
be doing right now. Stuff you’ve been putting off for weeks. Like… writing an article for
a satirical internet webzine, for example. Or replacing the light bulb in the kitchen. All
you’ve got to do is walk away and we both get light in our kitchens again. Imagine it!
Imagine not having to open the fridge to make coffee after the sun goes down. What a
world that would be!
Look, here are some people playing football.
No idea who they are - just grabbed the image off Google. Let’ssay they’re Manchester and Chelsea. I think that works, doesn’tit? The uniforms, I mean. Manchester play in red and Chelseain blue, no? I don’t suppose it matters. God, it’s a hideouslydull game, isn’t it? Jesus. Is it just me? Is there anything in theentire world less consequential than the outcome of a ball game?Morons.I’ll tell you what I should be doing right now - Christmasshopping. Hmm. That doesn't sound much more appealing thanwriting the column, now I think about it. I could do with a groceryshop too.MilkEggsBreadOnionsPasta sauceCerealCheeseLightbulbsBinbags...Are you still here? Really, you might as well get on. I'm just going to shuffle paper and make like I'm working until I can justifiably shuffle out the door. I'm pretty much completely clocked out at this stage. And if you're hanging about for more Jodie Albert, forget about it. What? No. Just because I'm having an off day doesn't mean I'm going to turn the Fracas into bloody Zoo magazine. If you're that keen then the Channel 5 comedy series ‘Respectable’, starring the lovely and talented Ms Albert is currently available on DVD, and may be purchased from this site.
Readers should be advised that: "RESPECTABLE is a hilarious show, for the more adventurous viewer."
Could I leave the Christmas shopping till tomorrow, do you think? Will the shops be open on Christmas Eve Sunday? I can't go into the town centre on a normal Saturday afternoon without feeling homicidal after ten minutes, so today... oh god, there'll be fucking Christmas music everywhere. Christmas music, carol singers, charity collectors, Santa hats, happy bloody families... Fuck it. I'm not going.
Anyone here? Anyone at all? Al? Yoohoo! Hellooo!
Echooooo!
Just me then. Well, that's that for Fracas '06, I suppose. Ah, what a crazy ride it's been. A crazy, wild, pointless ride. Often uncomfortable, sometimes scary, always pointless. In many ways, a lot like life.
Bollocks, that would have been a good closing line.
Ah, screw it, I'm out of here. If anyone needs
me I'll be drinking gin and playing the
bagpipes. Naked.
Merry Xmas.
- Clint.
