My regular readers, of whom there are, surprisingly, at least two, may
recall that the last couple of Fracas have been somewhat light on
up-to-the-minute sporting revelations. They may also - for they are of a cynical bent - be expecting more of the
same from this very column. For shame, readers, for shame. A sad world indeed when a man must face such
scepticism, such blatant lack of faith. Perhaps I shouldn't be shocked, perhaps this is simply the way of
things in these most untrusting of times, but still my soul hangs heavy, burdened with the sad knowledge that
such a sorry state of affairs should come to pass.
And yet! In 'ere this darkest hour, let no man claim that Clint Panzerdivision was seen to shirk his duties. Let
records show that through barbs of dubiety and doubt as would have felled a lesser scribe he toiled defiantly to
tell the tales of Hot Football Action that would once more bring a smile to the hearts of the people.
Let them also show that 1 x copy Sun: £0.30 shall be charged to the Home Defence expense account.
Few fans can be unaware of the historic acrimony between the Arsenal and Manchester Football Clubs and my sources reveal that the notoriously Dutch 'Bergy' has escalated feuding with a cutting jibe directed at a certain 'Ruud'. "You've earned the axe!" he is alleged to have jeered, seemingly in reference to Ruud's removal from last month's Euro 2004 qualifier against Moldova.
Ruud has yet to publicly respond to the taunt though he has admitted "I called boss coward" when speaking of the doubtless inflammatory incident which led to his being dropped. Ruud apparently plays for Manchester. The "boss" is probably Dick Advocaat. (Al, you might want to check this - sounds like a made up name to me. CP)
Equally outspoken this week has been the legendary 'Tosh', with his controversial statement "Owen's gotta KO Kop". The Kop, as any fule kno, has something to do with Liverpool Football Club who, oddly enough, play in red strips - the same as Manchester. All terribly confusing. Ian Rush, who I seem to remember played for Liverpool around the time my brother collected Panini football stickers, disagrees, contrarily believing that Owen doesn't have to KO Kop. I personally feel that Owen should think carefully before making a decision whether or not to KO Kop, but ultimately to follow his instincts.
After heavy speculation I can now reveal that Leeds Football Club is in crisis - so much so that wags are claiming that they need "Hart surgery" (I don't get it myself but you never know, someone might). It's safe to say that the crisis has been caused by an undesirable ratio of goals for to goals against, or possibly vice versa. Brian Clough asserts that the crisis will be solved by hiring (oh, I see) Paul Hart as manager, and jokes that "home is where the Hart is". Paul Hart is well know for being a "nice guy" and "playing it fair", it seems. Leeds next five games will be against Bolton, Charlton, Chelsea, Fulham and the other Manchester which, on current form, they'll almost certainly lose. Never mind Leeds - don't lose Hart! (Al, does that work? CP)
Sven Goran Eriksson, the bespectacled England manager famous for "bedding" Ulrika Johnson has struck an optimistic note when speaking of England's chances in the Euro 2004 footballing competition. He believes that our brave boys may be the favourites to win, so long as they can avoid Portugal, Italy, France and Germany in the draw, adding cheerily that Brazil aren't in the tournament. It's possible, however, that this is a misunderstood example of Swedish humour. Who can say?
And finally: It's possible that beret-wearing aging punk Captain Sensible has been selected to take over the England captaincy, though it's more likely that this is a reference to David Beckham. Personally I prefer my Beckham news on the celebrity pages where it belongs so I didn't bother following this one up.
So there you are then. All terrifically exciting stuff as I'm sure you'll agree. I wouldn't, but you probably will. Each to their own, eh? Till next time, happy goaling!
READER POLL: Should Owen KO Kop? Text YES or NO to 07941 627357. Calls charged at normal mobile rates.
Clint Panzerdivision will be appearing in the next series of Channel 4's 'The Salon' as a passing spree killer.
