I know I’ve commented before on the weirdness of the phrases which guidebooks
seem to think you’ll need, but ‘Teach Yourself Finnish’ really re-sets the bar when
it comes to surrealism in translation:
Te ette saa myydä kesämökkiä.
- You must not sell the summerhouse.
Tottuuko näihin itikoihin?
- Does one get used to these mosquitoes?
Presidentistä asia on tärkeä.
- The President regards the matter as important.
You know what, I would pay serious money to hear a conversation in which those phrases were used by
anyone other than spies talking in code. Or just run-of-the-mill nutters.
But I have to say one line of Finnish that I heartily concur with is:
Minusta Suomi on kallis maa.
- In my opinion Finland is an expensive country.
It is! On my first evening in Helsinki, in a fancy restaurant called Kosmos, I had two glasses of wine with
my meal. Two glasses of wine that came to €19.80 in total. €19.80! At a time when it’s basically 1 Euro to
the pound. But that’s what you pay for booze in the land of two million saunas. (And, by the way ... two
million saunas?! Do you really need two million saunas in a country with only about five million residents?
One sauna for every 2.5 people sounds to me like the sort of thing I would have made up for comic effect.)
Okay, regarding alcohol prices, you’re probably thinking that you reap what you sow if you go to a fancy restaurant, but let me assure you that Helsinki is absolutely no cheaper elsewhere.
Some might take that as a reason to drink less. I took it as a reason to spend more.
However, here’s something that Helsinki can boast that I do believe no other city on the planet can lay claim
to having: a tram... THAT’S ALSO A PUB! How cool is that? It’s a tram that’s part of the city’s general public
transport system, except when you get on it, it just does its circular route around Helsinki while serving you
whatever booze you fancy. If you’re interested in travelling and drinking (and quite frankly I’m not interested in
very much else) here is the perfect synthesis. Who could possibly miss such a treat when in the Finnish
capital?
Me, actually. I saved this for my last day in the country, only to discover that this nation of reindeer-eating sauna-lovers basically shut up shop completely on a Sunday. Bugger!
(You know, ‘reindeer-eating sauna-lovers’ sounds way more racist than it should do.)
So, if you’re ever in central Helsinki, here are a couple of venues to look out for, both located next to
the city’s park, Esplanadi. There’s the excellently-named Hotel Kämp, which is plush beyond all
possible human expectations and will furnish you with a fantastic collection of red wines – and is,
needless to say, ludicrously expensive. Then, at the opposite end of the scale, there’s the complete
dive that is the Sir Eino pub, which hosts cheesy covers bands, and does a good line in Finnish beer
– and is, needless to say, ludicrously expensive.
Finnish beer, by the way, seems to be one of three main brands, all quite dark in taste: Kukko, Lapin
Kulta, and Karhu. The latter is probably my favourite, mainly because its logo is a big, scary, roaring
bear. Grrr!
That got a bit confusing when I googled it, because it turns out that karhu is, in fact, the Finnish word
for ‘bear’. Consequently, you have to trawl through various adverts for such Finnish products as running
shoes, ski gear and floorball equipment manufacturing (whatever the fuck that is...) before you arrive at
the beer.
If you also like views while you booze then seek out the Ateljee Bar, excellently situated at the top of the
city’s highest (indeed, only) skyscraper, the Sokos Torni Hotel. Helsinki isn’t particularly into its tall
buildings – when your largest erection clocks in at a somewhat modest 14 storeys, you wouldn’t want to
stand next to New York at a urinal.
On the non-alcohol side of things, one of the city’s somewhat off-the-wall attractions is Circus Helsinki. Now, once in a while, I do like a little bit of acrobatics and juggling and tight-wire work and suchlike, so I wandered out to the northern suburbs to catch a performance. Circus Helsinki takes place on a stage set up in an old disused factory, and there are two
distinctly weird facts about it, neither of which I knew in advance. The second weirdest thing is that one
of the acts is a pole dancer. Granted, not one who sheds her clothes, but an exotic pole dancer
nonetheless. Which probably doesn’t sound so bad... until you find out the singularly weirdest thing
about Circus Helsinki, which is that it’s performed entirely by children and young teenagers.
Let’s just ran past that one again.
A young teenager pole dancing.
You’re feeling guilty even reading this, aren’t you? I cannot emphasise strongly enough that this was as much a surprise to me as to you, but I would challenge anyone to sit and watch the (admittedly very professional) display without thinking ‘My! There’s a lucrative career ahead for that young lady...’
(Look, don’t shoot the messenger; at least I said ‘lucrative career ahead’.)
One weird thing about boozing in Finland is that they don’t have what you or I would regard as off-licences. Because
selling alcohol in that manner would actually be illegal. What they do have is state monopoly control over the retail
of intoxicating liquor, so, unless you’re buying a drink in a bar or at a restaurant, you have to go to specific
government-run outlets called Alkos for your liquid refreshment. (There’s something pleasingly blunt about that
name.) I wonder why they feel the need to control the sale of booze so carefully?
Clearly, the president regards the matter as important...
(I thank you!)
Just to wind up, on the subject of Helsinki’s culinary highlights, here is a fantastic item I clocked on one
menu: ‘Creamy soup from Lapland’. No other description, just ‘Creamy soup from Lapland’. Read that
back to yourself now, but using ‘Lapland’ as a euphemism for the vicinity of your lap.
Delightful isn’t it? One step away from ‘Hot sauce from Trouser City’.
