We return to England's capital, a city still reeling from suicide bombings by British terrorist cells, and a place where hundreds of Police stop and search the rucksacks of Muslims and pretty blonde tourists every day. Here riding the public transport system has become fraught with suspicion and anxiety, and it was to this powder-keg climate that former boy-band member Lee Ryan brought absolutely nothing when Home Defence got in touch for comment. "I'm afraid Lee is too busy promoting his solo album and recent hit single 'Army Of Lovers' to speak to you." A P.R. bimbette at the front desk told us when we bum-rushed Ryan's management company in the hope of finding the pop star. "We'll ensure the message is passed on to Lee and appreciate your interest in our client." Ryan (22) is a Gemini who was born in Kent but likes to pretend he was raised on an East London council estate. His hair is blond, his best colour is blue, and his favourite smell is 'Coco Chanel'. He was a founding muppet for the mega-successful boy-band Blue who had a massive hit with their first single, Viagra-promoting anthem 'All Rise', and went on to sell trillions of
records to overweight schoolgirls. During a trip to New York in 2001 the group witnessed the events of 9/11 first-hand, after which Lee made the following comment to a British reporter that bears repeating in full:
"What about whales? Animals need saving and that's more important. This New York thing is being
blown out of proportion. Who gives a fuck about New York when elephants are being killed?"
The recent attacks in London claimed over fifty lives, injured hundreds more, and are widely accepted as the result of our Prime Minister's unquestioning support for George W. Bush's genocidal foreign policy, Tony Blair and the President directly responsible for radicalising teenage fanatics around the world. Home Defence subsequently drafted a question for Lee asking whether he thought history would remember Blair solely as the first P.M. to bring suicide bombers to the British mainland, or if we should all be more concerned about the difficulty zoos have getting giant pandas to breed in captivity. Unfortunately Ryan, a gifted polymath along the lines of Dustin Hoffman in Rainman or that bloke from The Vines, was nowhere to be found. When we rang Ryan's record company a representative advised us: "Lee has nothing to add to the statements already made by politicians, religious leaders and the Queen." Foiled!Lee Ryan's role as an important cultural commentator began in his teenage years when the songwriter, singer and performer who counts baldy Italian referee Pierluigi Collina among his fans and likes to drunkenly cruise for mentally-unstable groupies in a Porsche 911, was regularly grilled on a variety of topics - repeatedly interviewed by adolescent magazines and Smash Hits. Here are selected highlights which we couldn't have made up if we'd tried:
Lee on drugs: "I once took so much cocaine I nearly died."
Lee on evolution: "The Egyptian thing I swear it's to do with aliens and shit. And that's where we come from."
Lee on love: "I try not to sleep with every girl I meet, but it's hard."
Lee on his song, 'Stand Up People': "It's about how we're all gonna stand up as people."
And finally, Lee on what he looks for in a member of the opposite sex: "What would really impress me is if a girl got a pint of beer and then tipped it over her head."
But while Ryan charms the British public with his homilies and wisdom on matters of life and love,
more than once the man's exploitation of the opposite sex has threatened to derail his career. First
Lee enjoyed a threesome in a public area of China White nightclub, then he contracted knob-rot
from a groupie who told the press Lee had a Brazilian in order to make his tiny penis look bigger.
Then came Ryan's biggest mistake, paying to fulfill a girlfriend's dream of larger titties. Unfortunately
she absconded soon afterwards, leaving Ryan to fume at the silicone-enhanced hussy: "I own your
breasts!" He then threatened to take her to court for access, before vowing never to have sex with
a human woman again. Instead Lee continues his search for those sexy aliens he lusts for and
goes on about to anyone who'll listen.
It's these hilarious high jinks along with Lee's unique outlook on the world that the shattered city of London needs more than ever to get through unstable times. Sadly our final attempt to gain a quote from Ryan during his appearance in HMV on Oxford Street yielded little. In fact Lee's people were on hand to frogmarch us away from the signing session when we raised the subject of the 7/7 bombings, ignoring HDUK's protest that we were only trying to get a response out of Lee that might unite London's religious and racial diaspora in condemnation of him.
Lee Ryan is currently making a film called 'Changes' with a cast of unknowns, based on his fantasised experiences of growing up in an inner city ghetto. Lee will direct himself after first choice Ken Korda turned out to be a piss-take. So far no studios or distributors have shown an interest.
Lee's first volume of poetry: 'Dead Dolphins Make Me Sad' is released by Faber in the Autumn.
