Sorry lads. Just been informed that pre-season training starts that weekend. Not going to be able to make it either. Fire down a few Sambucas for me though. (Don’t give Gerald too many mind, on his last stag do he tried shagging my leg whilst dressed up as a policeman – don’t ask!)
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June 27
Grant Mortar
The Stag Do To End All Stag Dos...
Recipients: ‘Cotton Eye’ Billy, Nick Clegg, Dog-faced Ratchet, David Cameron, Wayne Rooney, Dave Grainger, Harry Redknapp, Solomon Cheese, Dave Bibby, Uriah Heap, Neil Sedaka, Simon Cowell
Hi all,
I’m happy to announce that my dear friend Gerald Keene will, this summer, be renewing his vows with his long-suffering wife and sometime chauffeur around the non-League football grounds of England. As such, he has demanded that I, as his best man, take on the honour of organising his stag do. For those of you who don’t know I’m Grant Mortar. I’ve followed Newton Mills FC with him through the thick and usually the thin.
As you all know, Gerald is quite the task-master, which is why I’ve really made an effort to organise the best stag do known to humanity, and, with him away on holiday at the moment, I thought I’d get started on inviting people. This is a job which has been made easier by the fact his missus has given me his Facebook login (and so that’s how I’ve got all your addresses). According to Facebook, you guys are all his greatest friends and as such, he’d love to see you on the do.
So here’s the plan. (Drum roll please)
Right, we're off to VALENCIA 15-17 July 2011. We'll be flying Ryanair from either East Midlands Airport or Stansted (comparable prices around £80-90), leaving on Friday 15 July at approx 9am (from East Midlands) and returning on Sunday 17 July at 1.30 (get in at the airport at 3pm).
Valencia is, by all accounts, ace. The hostel is in Russafa, a sort of an up and coming area where the locals go out and it's about 10 mins walk from the main square, 15-20 mins walk to Barrio del Carmen (another good going out area), and 15 mins walk to the Turia Park and La Ciudad de las Artes y de las Ciencias de Valencia (where the biggest aquarium in Europe is - and where we're dumping Gerald in his mankini overnight).
Other activities we could consider are go-karting, drinking, possibly paintballing, drinking, more drinking. And I'll be asking everyone who comes along to bring 1 piece of fancy dress which the stag can wear. (Again mankinis come to mind.)
Anyway, so for now, I'd like you to give me some idea of whether you'll be coming. And also whether you can think of anyone I've missed off that list above... Sandra (the lucky lady) has given me a list of other people not on Facebook who are probably his prison / cheese-making friends or something, so I'll also be sending this message round to all of them too.
So, at this stage, just give me a yes or a no please dudes, and then I can get on with booking stuff once I have a better idea of numbers.
Cheers
Grant Mortar
PS The theme will be ‘Super Injunctions’, so make sure you bring your best disguises.
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Home Defence UK
A Symptom of a Greater Malaise
INVESTIGATIONS
with Grant Mortar
ALL INVESTIGATIONS:
June 27
Nick The Cleggmeister
Dear Grant, Many thanks for your message which I read with great interest. Can’t we go to Blackpool instead? I am scared of flying. Somehow, I can’t help but think some kind of ‘alternative’ vote should have taken place prior to your sending this out. Democracy is a (message truncated)
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June 27
Cotton-Eye Billy
Always gotta be the first one on these message trails, ain’t you Clegg? Anyone wud think you had nowt better to be doing…
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June 27
Si Cowell
Why am I being copied in on these messages? Please remove me from the list. Needless to say, I won’t be coming on the stag do, especially if you’re going to be staying in a youth hostel. Fuck y’all, I’m rich. Rich I tell you!
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June 27
'Diddy' David Cameron
Hiya Si. <Winks> <Pokes>
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June 27
Neil Said Darker
I might come if karaoke is added to the list of activities.
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June 27
Wayne Roonbat
The aquarium sounds boss, la. My vote goes for that. I’m a real ‘fish buff’. (Nobody make any jokes about grandma’s snatches here ladz.) La.
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June 27
Dave Grainger
I’m not going looking at a load of fish, Roo Silly Boy. Count me out. Unless we can go paintballing.
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June 27
'Dirty' Harry Redknapp
Paintballing’s for dweebs. Bring on the Lazer Quest. (PS I’m not going on Clegg’s team.)
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June 27
Solomon Cheese
I went on a stag do to The Dam. That’s what you call it if you are cool. We got blitzed on the old weed and then went to see some prostitutes. Wots wrong with the old-fashioned way of doing stuff? My vote’s for shagging some bints.
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June 27
'Diddy' David Cameron
At school we used to play this game. Dead easy. All you need is a cracker (if you don’t have a cracker, a rich tea biscuit will suffice). Then we all proceed to whack out our old men until someone was declared a winner. The winner then eats the cracker (or biscuit). We could do that and thus cut costs and have a good time. Who says austerity can’t be fun?
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June 27
Wayne Roonbat
You’re a wanker, la, Diddy Dave.
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June 27
Dave Bibby
I’m not getting my old man out for nobody. As it happens, Valencia’s quite good for metal detecting though…
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June 28
Nick The Cleggmeister
I can’t help but think that some kind of alternative voting system on the activities is in order. After all if some people want to do… (message truncated)
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June 28
'Diddy' David Cameron
Say whaaaat, Cleggy? Just pipe down young man. And shut up about alternative voting systems for Christ’s sake.
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June 28
Grant Mortar
Right. Still not really sure who’s in and who’s out. To be on the safe side, I’m going to need deposits from you all before I book the flights / hotels.
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June 28
'Diddy' David Cameron
Erm… I’ve just checked and I can’t come now. Sam-Cam tells me we r having the Sarkozys over that weekend. Plus, I have some council staff to sack.
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June 28
Nick The Cleggmeister
You never told me, Diddy. I’ll clear my diary.
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June 28
'Diddy' David Cameron
Cleggy. Don’t bother.
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June 28
Uriah Heap (MSc, BACS, PIDS)
Oh lordy... I'm going to be on honeymoon at that time. Bugger. See him off for me.
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June 28
Wayne Roonbat
Much as the aquarium sounds boss, la, I now can’t make the do I’m afraid, chaps. As you may or may not have heard, I am currently undergoing scalp replacement therapy to get me a hair do, not a hair don’t, and as such, I’m not fugging supposed to be drinking, la.
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June 28
Uriah Heap (MSc, BACS, PIDS)
PS. @ Wayne Roonbat. That open top bus parade you had round Manchester to celebrate ‘19’. Was that the amount of touches your team had v Barcelona?
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June 29
Wayne Roonbat
Shut up Heapo, la. Your red shite (Liverpool FC) can’t talk. When my man Giggsy and his missus get a divo and she gets half his assets, she’ll be the proud owner of six more Premiership medals than either of your Stevie G’s or your Jamie Carraghers… La.
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June 29
Nick The Cleggmeister
Arrr. I’m telling. You’re not supposed to mention Giggsy’s name on internet forums. Shit. I’ve gone and done it now. You pricks.
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June 29
Grant Mortar
Can we get back on topic please? I’m looking for actual numbers, not a goddamn online slanging match.
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June 29
Neil Said Darker
I have now been told by my manager that I have a gig in sunny Doncaster that weekend so I can’t make it either. And besides, I went to Gerald’s last stag do and he was sick on my suit.
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June 29
Dog-Faced Ratchet
Awwwite boyz. Good to ear from yous all. Not gonna b abul to make the slag do, but if ur best man, m8, make sure u remember to tell the story of when Gerald shat hisself in the back of the car on the way down to watch NMFC play Eden Project Staff x11. Oh how we girraffed.
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June 29
Cotton-Eye Billy
That shittin incident wasn’t funny, Dog-Face. There is still a brown stain on me back seat and I had to tell the missus it were our kid, Rupert, even though he’s now old enough not to soil his kecks. Smells like off milk does that stain. By the way, I’m going to have to wimp out and all now. Seems Newton Mills have a friendly against The Woolpack that Saturday and they can’t do without their number 1 fan, can they?
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June 29
'Dirty' Harry Redknapp
I can’t come now either. I’ve got to do some transfer wheelin’ and dealin’. But don’t call me Del Boy or I’ll chew your face off.
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June 29
Solomon Cheese
If we’re not going The Dam or shagging some bints I’m not coming. Soz.
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June 29
Grant Mortar
Let me get this straight. Now nobody wants to go? Soon as I mention money you’re all flaking on me? Uriah, if you’re on Honeymoon that weekend, why not pop in to Valencia on the way? Harry, Valencia’s got a footy team, can’t you buy any of their players? Dave, do your pre-season training here…
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June 29
Nick The Cleggmeister
I can still come. Diddy’s told me he doesn’t need me when the Sarkozys are over.
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June 29
Neil Said Darker
Even if I wasn’t gigging in sunny Donny, I’m not sure I could afford it, I've got a trip to Vegas and Holland a couple of weeks before so I'm going to be completely broken both physically and financially! When do you need to know for definite by?
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June 29
Grant Mortar
In the next couple of weeks please Neil... By the way, what if you WIN in Vegas, eh, eh? Won't be broke then!
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June 29
Neil Said Darker
If I win then I’m buying a Wii, so I’ll be on that all weekend. Sorry.
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June 30
Dave Bibby
Hey Grant. Unfortunately won't be able to make it. Have a good one though.
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July 11
Nick The Cleggmeister
Grant. I sent you the money through two weeks ago and still no word on the stag do. (And we’re supposed to be leaving tomorrow!) Please let me know ASAP, as I have already bought some new Speedos and some sun oil so I can proper fry. I’m fucking buzzing over this, lads. Shall I meet you all at the airport then, or what?
