How To Survive The Swine Flu Epidemic

- Firstly, remember that this condition is highly contagious and can spread like wildfire just by breathing the same air as the infected. Be careful never to inhale near someone who appears to be sniffling. It might just be hay fever, or a pre-existing sinus condition, but you can’t be too careful.

- It’s a little known fact that swine flu can be contracted through the sharing of sombreros or eating out of a

trough.

- A variant strain called ‘male chauvinist pig flu’ is doing the rounds as well. To avoid catching this make

sure you’re never patronising to a woman.

- Tamiflu can prove as effective as a placebo, providing the sufferer actually believes in it. Ensure you are

convincing when extolling Tamiflu’s magical properties to others, perhaps by adopting the same tone of

voice a Jehovah’s Witness would use when speaking to non-believers about Jesus.

- During this dangerous time be aware that, should you contract and subsequently die from regular influenza, no one will be interested. Swine flu is where the media gold is.

- Similarly, the upside of this so-called ‘farm lurgee’, is the attendant publicity. Once diagnosis is confirmed, your

first action should be to contact Max Clifford. Just knock on his door, he’ll be happy to help.

- Summer 2009 is the perfect time to quit pork scratchings. In fact, you probably should have kicked the habit

years ago. This isn’t the 70s.

- Be aware that, in spite of its burgeoning popularity, the word ‘swine’ remains a curse word; albeit a mild one.

Just because this profanity is perpetually on the lips of Fiona Bruce doesn’t mean you’re allowed to utter it in polite company. Instead, use the descriptive yet euphemistic ‘oinker illness’ when discussing the global situation, especially around retired colonels

or the scion of wealthy landowners.

- Whatever example celebrities like Tori Amos may set, now is not the time to let a sweet baby piglet

suckle at your breast. To be honest, it’s difficult to know when would be a good time.

- Certain parties or social occasions can increase the risk of infection by turning out to be what’s known

as ‘sausage-fests’. Take care to avoid these at all costs. Recent high-risk events include trips to the new

Star Trek film and Gary’s birthday do (the only women Gary knows being his

mates’ girlfriends, none of whom actually like him).

- If you live in a rural area with a high incidence of bestiality you might want to consider moving. This has

nothing to do with swine flu, but it’s still valuable advice.

With Mexico City closed to business and the rest of South America

effectively under quarantine as this virus cuts a swathe across mainland

Europe, 2009 looks to be the year when a large part of the human race

was wiped out by a disease inflicted upon us by our porcine enemies,

pigs who were fed up of having apples stuffed in their mouths after death

or providing the yummy filling to a fat man’s sarny.

They’re as intelligent as dolphins you know.

But whatever the cause, 2009’s swine flu emergence has the potential to become the worst catastrophe

since the legendary pandemic of 1855, a breakout that originated, rumour has it, when Prince Albert

bummed a piglet behind his shed.

This scandal was hushed up by a royal conspiracy involving historians, the House of Commons and a

number of loyal equerries, but with increased genetic modification we can expect more of these malady

outbreaks in future years, either among pigs, birds, horses, or Rhesus monkeys. Indeed, many porkers

are now being bred with massive ham-style back legs and having unnecessary body parts removed,

including the trademark curly tails, snouts and immune systems.

Government advisers and interfering Christians counsel against such tampering but the multi-billion pound

behemoth that is the global meat industry remains too powerful to brook negative arguments, its shadowy

CEOs continuing to successfully assert that a few hundred thousand deaths a year, most of them in the

third world, is a small price to pay if we want to wolf down more cheap sausages.

With this in mind, preventative action must be taken to safeguard the lives of our children, friends and

dogs. But in these times of mass panic, scaremongering newspaper stories and often contradictory

advice from the experts, who can we turn to for gilt-edged guidance? Why, Home Defence of course…