Mentally and spiritually stricken by a year spent trawling through hundreds of the dodgiest and least coherentemails ever to darken the internet, Al Likilla finds his existence irrevocably darkened by the depression andhopelessness of all these failed seduction attempts. In Al’s mind, the language of flirtation and romantic lovehas been traduced to such an extent that, after 12 months in the company of the interweb’s social networkingsites and their many ‘e-suitors’, the erstwhile Home Defence editor can no longer remember the right way toapproach a girl in real life. In recent days Al has endeavoured to strike up a number of conversations with young women in bars and clubsaround the UK, but has found himself accidentally reverting to the language of the email suitor, coming out withlines guaranteed to kill any chance of action such as: “I want to dive into your left eye, sweaty!”, “Wouldsomeone gorgeous like ya shars some words?” or “To be frankly you arehot!”On one particularly pathetic occasion, Likilla was queuing in the eight items or less line of his local supermarket, and started up a conversation with an intellectual nubile regarding her anger at the sign reading ‘less’ rather than ‘fewer’ (which would have been grammatically correct). Suddenly Al found himself asking her to marry him, bear many of his children, move to another country, and then, when she turned away in horror, yelled “FOR HEAVEN’S SAKE ANSWER ME!” at the top of his voice.Needless to say, Al’s current courtship prospects are not good, and, after receiving the latest batch of these emails, sent unsolicited by complete strangers to unwitting individuals around the world, Likilla could take it no more. He decided to dump the entire project off the nearest bridge but, on his walk to the river, began wondering if he shouldn’t go further. Al found his faith in the entire human race dissipating, asking himself whether there was any future for interpersonal relationships between the genders. Arriving at Battersea Bridge, Al was in two minds about whether to jump, climbing onto the rail to stare at the inky blackness of the Thames below. As he considered whether to end it all, word reached the rest of the HDUK team who assembled nearby in an effort to talk him out of it.
But why people? Why should I carry on in a world that tolerates this kind of missive, from a 25 year oldTurk called Kara?hello nice woman…… you want talk man ? You see? This is what’s brought me here! That’s true Clint, Clint Panzerdivision there, at least Kara’ssuccinct and to the point. But surely this one-liner invites an obvious response; if the recipient did want to‘talk man’, it certainly wouldn’t be with him.Well Mr. Panzerdivision, if you don’t see a problem with that, check out this message from a fellow called ‘John’:
Hello,
I saw your profile and i really like it so much and what really interest me the most is your beauty, it seems so irresistable, i cantseem to get my eyes off your picture. (I feel violated just reading this.) Well i know this might sound crazy to you but am saying it from the bottom of my heartthat this is love at first sight (Yep, that sounds utterly mental. Love at first sight from a picture which might well be photoshopped to all hell – who needs anything else?) although i dont know you yet (You’ve got to be amused by that ‘yet’.) but i feel attracted to somehow and i will not let that feelings go awayfrom me. You can chat with me on my yahoo account on {[email protected]} so we can chat one on one and get to knowmore about each other.Beauty is not based on how attractive we are to everybody else, but how attractive we are to ourselves, (That’s right. Even if everyone in the world votes you a ‘minger’ on HotorNot.com, there’s no need to believe them.) forone cannot think other people think they are full
of beauty unless they know they are beautiful too."Only God's creations can compare to the beauty
that I see in you! (Isn’t everything ‘God’s creation’? That landfill site near my house, Battersea
Power Station over there, Peter Stringfellow…) My love for you is infinite, without limits. (Thanks for
clarifying ‘infinite’ there.)"No one realizes thebeauty of love, (Who are you quoting here John?
Yourself?) until you're caught in it Everything has beauty, but not everyone sees it I believe the
personality and the soul iswhat makes a person beautiful, it does not always have to be the
physical appearance.(His grammar is just phenomenal.) A woman's love cannot be satisfied by
beautyalone; (How do you know this? What are you talking about?) you're more than beautiful and
that's why I love you!What you feel is what you are and what you are is beautifulThe greatest gift
to my eyesight is having my eyes set on you.(That and bifocals.) I will be waiting to hear from you
asa soon as you get this message.bye JOHN
It’s that mindless optimism with nothing to back it up that really tips me over the edge. Look Clint, now you’re just shouting incoherently and waving your arms. How’s that supposed to stop me wanting to kill myself? You’re drunk Mr. Panzerdivision, and since you’re no longer even a regular contributor to this site, I’m not going to listen.
But who’s that taking over the megaphone with his spare hand, while the other proffers a lovely looking risotto? Botham! Botham Squab! Yes I’m hungry Botham, but the only nourishment I require is some intelligent courtship, something to counteract the likes of ‘Altomy’, a 33 year old from Brazil who wrote the following:
Hey my dear, how u doing. I am Altomy. You are so scarce what happen to you. (Scarce? You’ve never corresponded with this person beforeAltomy, you complete freak.)i missed you. So how is life treating you, what u most love and hate in life. (Well, hates include terrible punctuation, txtspk, complete strangers telling her she’s ‘scarce’ and so forth.)What kind of man u like. Are you single, lover? (No, and don’t get familiar – her other half’s a brick shithouse.) What are you doingwith your life? (Avoiding people like you.) What are your plans for the next future, (Depends what she’s reincarnated as. If it’s a dung beetle, ‘nextfuture’ plans mainly include dung and the gathering thereof.) will you include me. What do u want me to do to be next to you?(Cut off one of your testicles. That’s the only way to prove the requisite devotion.)You seem to be a intelligent lady, but according to the picture, there is something missing. (A stalker just behind you.) Let us face the fact; i feel the same way u do. (That this email really ought to stop?) But maybe the complex of insecurity keeps us away from people. (Or maybe it’s the knowledge there are insane Brazilians out there, lying in wait.)
What ever happen to you of no good, (Only one person around here is up to ‘no good’ my friend.)remember it might have happen to me and many men as well. (What?)
Let us give each other a chance to prove that we are better then the past.
i wish i could talk to you all the time coz there is lots to talk about, (Isn’t there just?) but i don’t know if you would be listen to me. (Hmmm… a moment of self-doubt amid so much nonsense. Maybe there’s hope for Altomy after all.)
If i am not boring you as yet. (Then surely it won’t be long.)
You see Botham? You see what I’ve been wading through every day for the past year? And yes, it’s a compelling argument. If I die now I won’t be able to sample any of your delectable comestibles. And I’ve no doubt you speak the truth, there are people out there who’ve met the great love of their life through the internet. But surely not like this? Not like this effort from a guy called Mark...
Hello
Its a real pleasure sending you an email. (The pleasure’s all Home Defence’s Mark, believe me.)
you're so Pretty that everyman would want to hold hands with you someday. Looking into your eyes alone, shows me a beautiful world.And i guess i'll be the luckiest woman getting to know you.(Yes Mark, you’ll be the luckiest ‘woman’ on earth.) If i were to present your picture in heaven, most of the Angels would hide their faces in shame.(Of course they would.) I would like a partner who is Inteligent,(That works.) self-confident, romantic, affectionate, kind, athletic. A woman who loves herself and has the willingness to be open. I want a person to love me for who i am and not what i am.(No, because what you are is clearly wrong.) i like to travel ,i'd love a Woman who will join me in sensual intimacy (That’s a village in the American midwest, I looked it up.) and a real desire to be communicative. I like going to exercise on weekends, and also i love playing pool .I'm self Employed and my Job moves me arround, but it does put me under a roof. (Quite the catch aren’t we? Any man who can shelter a girl from the rain certainly gets my daughter!)
i like what i see on ur profile....and i think we are compatable..and i love ur pic also ...please don't be rude
to me ...becos we live far from each other. i also write poems in my spare time (And wouldn’t we just love to
hear some of those?)
distance is not a problem because Distance does not always matters if two hearts are loyal with one another..
if i find the right Woman..i dont mind relocating... (No, I’ll bet Mark’s lifestyle can be tied up and moved on
pretty quickly. He just needs to sell his shack.)..i dont mind during it again as long as i find the right Woman..
i am a very honest and truthful man..i hate lies and deceit,i always like to treat my Woman like a Queen.(Make
her wave at crowds of onlookers, force her to give a speech on Christmas day, get her to troop the colour. That
sort of thing.).i want real love..
if u aint ready for what i said...please dont hit me back..i am getting too old to play games....lol..very
independent (Nothing wins a heart like ending an email with stream of consciousness babbling – good work my friend.)
Mark.
So now Harry Figgis is trying to talk me down is he? Saying that these are all God’s children and shouldn’t be mocked. So Reverend, you’re claiming that, by approaching someone they’ve never corresponded with before in this way, these individuals don’t have it coming? The likes of ‘Marsi’ here, Marsi and her ridiculously intimate sci-fi fantasies:
This letter is of great importance. I am here in order to build my own Planet which will be called a Planet of Love.(Oh yes!) My future family will live there. (Is this planet’s atmosphere even conducive to human life? Is there any oxygen on it? I’m not sure you’vethought this through Marsi.)Maybe it sounds stupid, (Yes, yes it does.)but I am serious at present time. (Indeed, Marsi is currentlyconstructing an actual spaceship.) I have serious and firm intentions to find a good man and to create family with him. (Of course you do.) I am tired of empty searches and short romantic dates.(No, long austere ones are so much more rewarding.) Ineed stable life, I need to love and to be beloved.
I dream about the day when I will give my heart and devote my life to a
good man.
I will call him "my Darling Husband" and I will be his "Sweet beloved Wife". (I wonder how long that’ll last.)
Oh, so sweet words, I dream to hear them!
I see that you look for your second half, too. (Yes, I lost it in the accident.) I ask you to stop your search
at me. We are both single people, but we have everything for love: kind
hearts, tenderness, hopes and dreams.
My heart will beat faster while I am (find me http://lonelyheartwaiting.com/luck )
waiting for your letter. (God, I hope her viscera have stopped palpitating and she’s given up on that ‘letter’ by now, for all our sakes.)
Embraces
Marsi D.
Now Archibald Scamp and Dick Holder have found a blanket from somewhere, and they’re offering me the opportunity to jump into it and start my life anew, with no recourse to e-suitor horror from now on. No more will I have to experience this kind of online idiocy. It’s tempting lads, but wait a second, my Blackberry’s buzzing. Seems someone has just forwarded me another missive, let’s check it out:
your pic and profile are great. your eyez are beautiful. so sexy. im afraid to look ur pics cuz i cannot control
myself not to explode in my pants :) Bye
No, that’s it – I can’t take this anymore. Goodbye, stupid, virtual world! Yeearghhhh!
*SPLASH*
Glub, glub, glub. Ick.
There will now follow a brief hiatus in the ‘e-suitors’ project while the Home Defence team decides whetherto continue this column, or snuff it out unceremoniously like an alleged insurgent. In the meantime, acharitable organisation has been set up in Al Likilla’s memory - the Foundation for Alleviation of RomanticThickness (FART). All donations gratefully received. 
